[vintagexsoul]

I'm very close to being given a diagnosis of OCD, pretty sure I've been developing it.

I was on the verge of a panic attack tonight, and decided to clean and organize. An hour later and this is the best relief I've had from my anxiety all day. I'm...I'm exhausted. Earlier today at the mental health clinic, I noticed a child played with crayons and I felt like doing a good deed and picked them up. Then I noticed I missed one...and thought its not a big deal, no one saw me pick them up anyway. But that one bothered me so immensely I picked it up. Then started organizing the table...then noticed a child's stool was on the chair and it bothered me so immensely I had to return it to its proper spot. Then noticed a chair was crooked and had to fix it.

I turned off the light for my boss, even though he was standing right in front of it, because I just had to. I had to and I have no idea why.

Due to my social anxiety, I spend much of my time at work organizing, making things look good and fixing things. I'm super detail oriented. They think I care about my job, which I really do, but the main reason I do all of that is because it calms me down and I feel so much better. I could be on the verge of a panic attack. So I go into the back stock room and start organizing all the shoe boxes in tidy rows, according to brand. Consolidating. And suddenly my anxiety vanishes and I feel okay, and calm, and its wonderful.

This is the best I've felt in days. I could cry. I've been so bloody anxious. I stopped myself from cleaning and organizing the entire bookshelf so that I'd have something to do when I'm anxious tomorrow. I have three bookshelves. I can organize my clothes according to function and color. Tidy the closet. Organize the shoes. My stone collection. I did notice that doing photography and art calms me down too, but not nearly as much as cleaning and organizing. I'm so glad I'll be able to sleep tonight. Sleep through the night, even. Lately I've been waking up throughout the night. Or waking between 4-6am when I don't need to be up before 9am. Even if I go to bed at midnight. I've been having sleep disturbances.

[Skeezyks]