[defyinggravity65]

Hello,
I've been diagnosed with OCD and anxiety and I have this obsession right now that I could be a covert narcissist as well. I feel like I alternate between feeling superior or inferior towards others and I ruminate about all the ways I could be a narcissist for hours each day and I keep a journal of it as well. I can't stop and it's horrible. I feel like I could be an evil person and that I could actually be a narcissist, and that I'm not just having obsessions about being one.
But my specific worry now is about how I am towards my sister. We were raised pretty competitively - she is three years younger than me and my parents always considered her to be very pretty and very social (things I was always jealous of). My parents always considered me to be the smart one, with great potential for success. But I am average looking and am a total wreck (have no friends, bad social anxiety and OCD, grumpy a lot of the time, etc).
My mom always told me that the reason I was the way I was is because I am smart. She said smart people worry about stuff, obsess about stuff, pay too much attention to detail, are prone to anxiety/depression, etc. She said that my sister was not as smart as me and that she would most likely be very happy and content with life, because she is ignorant to a lot of the complexities of the world and is just very simple. For some reason, I really clung to that explanation and it made me feel better about myself when I was in my worst places with OCD.
BUT...I think it's made me narcissistic, like for real. I'm 22 now, and I'm beginning to realize that I'm not as smart or successful or driven as I thought I was, and not nearly as capable as I thought I was. I look at all my attention seeking behavior and see my constant need for praise/approval and avoidance of disapproval and get almost disgusted with myself because I really, REALLY do not want to be a narcissist.
Specifically, what is going on with my sister, is that she dropped out of her tech school marketing program to start her bachelor's in social work, after a breakup with her boyfriend and her being very emotional and talking to a social worker who helped her through it and realizing she wanted to do the same. I just completed my BA in psychology. I never, NEVER, thought she was the type of person to go into the same field I'm in, and I honestly never thought she was capable of 4 year school, since she has never tried in school before. She is going into the field for the same reasons I did as well, after going through what she said was a mental breakdown.
I want so desperately to be happy for her, but now I feel threatened and insecure and competitive and like I secretly wish she wouldn't go through with it or that she would pursue another dream. She recently got employed as an assistant teacher as well, and I'm an assistant teacher. I find myself reassuring myself by thinking "It's okay, she's just an assistant teacher in a preschool daycare and I have much more responsibility in my job". Or by thinking "It's fine, she's just going to get her bachelor's and I'm pursuing my master's - something she has no interest in". It's like I have this sick need to be better than her or something. These are not OCD thoughts either, these are very real feelings that I have, and I recognize, and I try desperately not to feel (that's where the OCD comes in), but I end up feeling that way anyway.
I want her to be happy. I really do. I love her and care about her but I guess I was totally floored when her life started to take the same direction as mine. It's hard for me to even type this because I realize how horrible it is, but I honestly have trouble believing her brief period with mental illness after her breakup was as "valid" or as "real" as my daily struggle with it, or that her desire or dream to be a social worker is a solid one. As long as I'm being honest, I guess I also feel like she has no idea how to be successful or try in school, and like college will be a huge wake-up call for her.
I know it is so selfish to think that your struggles with mental illness are "the worst" or feel a desire to be better than someone else, especially your own sister. I feel so bad, and I feel these feelings and thoughts whenever I talk to her lately and they are very painful and I want to just be happy for her and honestly wish the absolute best for her, not just wishing her happiness and success, as long as its not as good as mine. Which is basically what I'm doing.
I just feel like a huge contradiction lately and when I type this, I feel so ashamed of myself. What should I do? How can I change? I really don't want to feel like this and whenever she calls me I find myself secretly wishing deep down that she decided she didn't like her job, or that she decided she's not going into social work and staying with her marketing associate's program.
Please if anyone wants to reply or message me about this I would greatly appreciate it.

[Skeezyks]

Hello defyinggravity65: Well... you know... every human being on the face of this earth has the feelings you describe! Okay, maybe yours are a bit more intense. I don't know. But almost every human being is secretly jealous of other people's success whether they'll admit to it or not. There are ancient Buddhist techniques designed specifically to address these sorts of thoughts, which tells you how long people have been having these kinds of thoughts & how pervasive they are.

Now... I'm not suggesting you become a Buddhist. But I think the point here is that what you're feeling is nothing to feel ashamed of or embarrassed by. It's simply a part of being human. So my first suggestion is to try to lighten up. Try not to be so hard on yourself. But, if you find you simply cannot resolve this on your own, then talk it through at length with your therapist if you have one. Or seek one out if you don't. The only really bad part of this is how it will affect you if you allow the thoughts you're struggling with to continue to rumble around in your brain without expression. I wish you well...

[defyinggravity65]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello defyinggravity65: Well... you know... every human being on the face of this earth has the feelings you describe! Okay, maybe yours are a bit more intense. I don't know. But almost every human being is secretly jealous of other people's success whether they'll admit to it or not. There are ancient Buddhist techniques designed specifically to address these sorts of thoughts, which tells you how long people have been having these kinds of thoughts & how pervasive they are.

Now... I'm not suggesting you become a Buddhist. But I think the point here is that what you're feeling is nothing to feel ashamed of or embarrassed by. It's simply a part of being human. So my first suggestion is to try to lighten up. Try not to be so hard on yourself. But, if you find you simply cannot resolve this on your own, then talk it through at length with your therapist if you have one. Or seek one out if you don't. The only really bad part of this is how it will affect you if you allow the thoughts you're struggling with to continue to rumble around in your brain without expression. I wish you well...

Thanks for your reply. I will try to look into the Buddhist techniques