[nushi]

Hey everyone...

I'm having a HUGE problem that puts my whole life at risk...

My worst type of obsessions are the ones that I have toward people thinking that they're trying to tease me, anger me. When someone does/says/even looks in a way that I interpret as trying to annoy me, I feel panicked & scared from the idea that I'd keep thinking about this act/saying/look forever & ever that I won't be able to think about or do anything else!!! So my compulsion is that I have to level it out with the person, like say/do/look something annoying to her/him that my mind sizes as equal to the act done by her/him. I also tend to ask her/him several times if s/he's intending to annoy me, or why did s/he do this...

Like for example, if someone doesn't look at me while talking with me, I may interpret it as non-respecting to me, so I keep repeating things to her/him until s/he looks at me, & with a satisfying look that complies with my standards of perfection.

In explanation this seems easy, but when it happens it's so complicated, I get into details with the person that are so illogical & frustrating, & it wastes my & the other's person's energy & time. Even worse, this turns into catastrophes with people who are closer to me, & ends up with name calling & beating!!!

My whole life has been destroyed because of this, papa suffered a lot with me, my family beat me & kicked me out of the house, I don't have friends, & I'm not able to have relationships...

About a year ago, I figured a way to limit the consequences of this. I kept a journal... When I have an obsession toward a person, whether I get back at her/him after that, I write her/his name & the act in the journal, so I can say to myself that I will NOT re-open the issue or get back at her/him again (many times, after I get back at a person, my obsessions linger, & I remember or interpret other things s/he's done as being offensive against me, & that I missed them or didn't get back at her/him enough, so I go back to get back at her/him more, & then my obsessions linger more, & all is repeated endlessly!!! ). So when I writer her/him in the journal, it means this is OVER & I won't do anything more about what happened...

The journal worked almost fine with me for a whole year. I never broke what I wrote even once, when I write something, it's OVER. Except sometimes, I started to give interpretations & excuses of getting back in ways that my mind tells me it's not breaking the writing/journal. But then I figured out what my mind is doing, & kept on without ever getting back in any way after writing it off...

About some months ago, I stopped by medications. My obsessions became deathly, truly deathly, I kept obsessing about an act of someone that's very trivial for about 3 weeks continuously, & I couldn't relieve myself by calling the person, because I've written him in the journal. So after 3 weeks, I decided to break it!!! I called the guy... I said to myself, I'll start again this system of control when I go to a therapist, & s/he tells me a new better mechanism than the journal (I also have very bad perfectionist obsessions, which mean that if I break something, I can't get back to it again, because it's not perfect anymore, as I haven't adhered to it perfectly, & I have to start something else perfectly all over again!!!)...

I don't know what to do now... I don't have anything to limit my obsessions toward people, I can keep obsessing with someone forever!!! I can't return back to the journal, because I broke it. If I try to do it again with the journal, each time I write someone, I'll think "Well, I broke the writing/journal before & returned to getting back at the person, so why not break this too?!!"... So the journal now has become obsolete!!!

Do you have any ideas? Any other mechanisms I can work on to limit my obsessions toward people other than that? What mechanisms do you do guys?