Homicidal Ideation

Since a teen I've had recurring and infrequent suicidal thoughts and urges, often paired with self harm. This thought pattern is always frustrated by the notion that it would be too cruel on my mother if I were to die before her. I suspect due to this frustration the thoughts and urges have recently begun manifesting as the urge to harm others, brutally. When strangers pass me by I hallucinate horrific bespoke punishments and feel my body will to carry them out. My GP says I have low mood and prescribed me Citalopram, which only smears a feverish dreamlike surreality across my waking life, under the influence of which I feel less able to control my urges. I'm afraid to go outside. I fear myself. Morally I'm against violence in all its forms but I'm physically capable of carrying out these urges. Is this OCD? Has anyone experienced similar?

Do you think you could have bipolar disorder? Citalopram is an SSRI, which can cause mania. Part of my hypomania I got from Zoloft was violent thoughts and loss of inhibition. Might be worth looking into.