[mori-girl305]

Hi there, this is kind of embarrassing to admit but I think I may have some form of OCD called HOCD. I haven't had a proper diagnosis yet since my psychologist hasn't even heard of it so I'm constantly questioning myself if it's real or not.

It was three years ago when my roommate and I started discussing gay culture ect.. when suddenly she asked me, " do you think you can turn gay for for that one someone, since sexuality is fluid?" I told her probably not as I've never heard of such a thing. And soon everyday she'd ask me this and it got really annoying then one day she declared 'no one is %100 straight' . Which irritated me cause...I identified as being %100 straight ,I was boy crazy! haha I loved reading fanfiction, daydreamed about my fictional crushes ect.. and to have someone declare 'your not %100 straight' was a bit insulting. If I declared to her 'well no one is %100 gay' she'd throw a fit! So yeah...this went on for days and I grew kind of uncomfortable around as I was wondering why she was so persistent on changing my mind.

I didn't want to agree with her cause I was content being myself -I never had a moment in my teens or tweens where I questioned anything! I was actually relieved growing up that I never had a 'questioning' phase. So I didn't want her to define my sexuality. But of course as the days went by I got paranoid thinking... 'oh god, what if she's right! I don't want to be gay or bi...I love men...' Then one day she and I made dinner to celebrate graduation and of course we brought out the wine and I got a little tipsy. As I was cooking I felt so happy and I was thinking 'I've never felt so happy and content-I really hope I'll be able to cook for a boyfriend like this-' Then I looked up at my friend and felt my blood run cold. For a split second I grew paranoid thinking that my thought was actually about my friend-that my fuzzy feelings for a future boyfriend weren't real at all and that I was actually gay for her.

This really freaked me out and I felt a bit grossed out...and through out the night this feeling got worse. Every time I looked at her I was thinking 'oh **** why am I staring at her?! If I looked at a guy that way that would mean I wanted to kiss him' and that made me feel even more disgusted with myself as I felt my whole identity was shattered. All those years being boy crazy, crying over guys, dreaming of a getting married, having a family, reading countless love stories where gone. I just felt sick.

Basically....to cut this short, I've been anxiety ridden ever since! I question constantly, I avoid eye contact with women for fear I might 'feel' something, I don't watch my favorite shows/movies anymore cause again I don't want to fall for any of the female character nor do I keep in contact with my roommate as much, I also have moments where I measure my ring finger and I look up articles on 'how to know if your gay' ect... As well as go over my memories to see if there were any signs.

Overall it's driving me insane! I hate feeling guilty, anxiety ridden fear. And I feel even worse as I keep thinking back to my past counselors who asked me if I was gay since I didn't have an interest being around guys (secretly I wanted to) as I was afraid of them (I got bullied by guys during middle school and high school both physically and mentally as well as being touched inappropriately )and was just really shy and wasn't ready to jump in any relationships.

So *deep breath* my question is, for those of you who have a proper diagnosis of OCD or HOCD, does this sound like I have HOCD? Or have OCD symptoms? I know I'm not looking for a proper diagnosis but I'm just looking for some advice or opinion on my experience.

[Skeezyks]

Hello mori-girl: Well... I don't have a proper diagnosis of anything. So I can't really offer you definitive advice with regard to this. However here's a link to a video California family therapist, Kati Morton, uploaded onto YouTube regarding how to address intrusive thoughts:

Here's a link to another of Kati's videos on the subject of "Pure O" (OCD)

And then here's a link to a Q &A on the subject of HOCD from PsychCentral's "Ask The Therapist" service:

https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-the...der-or-denial/

Hopefully these links may be of some benefit.

This appears to be your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

I wouldn't worry about yourself being gay. It sounds out of the question to me. I couldn't tell you why you had that fleeting moment of feeling that way, though the tipsiness of wine makes a little sense to me.

It could be possible, I think, that your friend may have a "thing" for you. I can't be positive about that.

[Angelique67]

Me too. I think your friend is attracted to you. You do not.sound gay whatsoever, but maybe if you discuss this with.a good therapist, you will trust your own feelings more. Good luck.

[Fuzzybear]

[mori-girl305]

thanks everyone for the lovely feedback :3 as of now my hocd seems to come and go when anxiety hits it's hardest. It's incredibly difficult and I have nights where all I want to do is cry and just admit I'm in denial or I'm gay or bi ect.. but even if I do admit those things I still feel terrible and guilty as I know that's not true either-it's just really hard. I miss the old me before hocd came into my life. I was really carefree and confident on who I was and now I just have no idea anymore, I just feel empty.