[hopefulforhappiness]

*NOTE BEFORE YOU READ: The words doctor and surgeon/oral surgeon are used interchangeably in this post.

Alright, so let me start by introducing myself for those who don't already know. I'm a 18 year old girl who has suffered with social anxiety for my whole life and I was also diagnosed with depression last year. I come from a tight-knit family and I have supportive parents who know about my anxiety and depression but they don't really know many details because I'm a pretty quiet, closed-off person. I currently take Prozac for the above disorders and have been doing so for over a year. Also, I have the tendency to obsess over people. So much so that they stay on my mind 24/7, they make their way into my dreams, and everything I do in my day to day life is with them in mind, including random conversations I have with others. I wanted to let everyone know this so you all know my background and can maybe tell me if what I'm going through is related to any of my previously diagnosed conditions.

I'm quite embarrassed by what I'm about to type right now, but I feel the need to get it all out and this is the only place I can come to without dying from my shame. So here goes.

I had my wisdom teeth out almost 3 weeks ago. I had a consultation appointment where I met the surgeon and we discussed how the operation would work. Okay. Everything was fine. When the day of the operation came, I had an enormous panic attack. I thought I was going to pass out when they brought me into the operating room, but once the doctor came in, he offered me very soothing words as the IV was put in for the anesthesia and I really calmed down. He and the nurse even held my hands because they knew I was terrified.

Flash forward two days from the operation. I started getting extremely depressed because I wanted to see the doctor again for no reason. Even though I'm still on my antidepressants and they have been helping me a lot ever since I started taking them, they seem to have slowed down and aren't helping as much. Over the next few days I had dreams about him being kind to me and when I would wake up, I would be on the verge of tears because it wasn't real life, it was just a dream. Throughout all the days of my recovery, all I could think about was him. I developed a romantic crush on him and had vivid fantasies of he and I going on dates and getting married. (I know these fantasies are extremely unrealistic, but I couldn't and still can't stop obsessing over them).

They tell you that if you think anything is wrong after your surgery, you should immediately come back to the practice so the doctor can have a look and fix anything if need be. I actually had thoughts of trying to do something to mess my recovery process up, such as pulling out my stitches or spitting water out forcefully, (as they tell you not to do because it can dislodge the blood clots your gums need to heal and cause dry socket) just so I could see him and he could treat me again. I imagined him comforting me through the pain, fixing my wounds and telling me it was all going to be okay. I did not end up doing any of that because I would be too much of a wimp to deal with all that pain and I always try my hardest to never follow through with any of the irrational actions I think about doing. But my depression just got worse.

A week later I had a post-operative appointment with him, but it didn't make me any happier because I knew I would probably only see him for about a minute and then I would be on my way again. That's exactly what happened at that appointment and after that, my depression got even worse.

So I've been moping around for another week, going about my daily tasks with no emotion whatsoever, trying to accompany my mother places whenever she goes out because she loves when I spend time with her and I want to make her happy even though I feel so numb and depressed inside. I now also have the compulsion to bring up the topic of dentistry when I'm talking to my parents and it's extremely mortifying because although my mind tells me to do it, I don't want to.

All that's on my mind these days is that I won't ever see the oral surgeon again. I've been trying to brainstorm excuses to go there, such as the fact that my father is quite a regular patient at that practice so maybe I could try to go with him for his appointments, but the problem is I don't think anyone is allowed to be in the room when a surgery is being performed, so that wouldn't really help me, considering the fact I wouldn't even see the person I was going there in hopes of seeing in the first place. I looked up all the conditions they treat at the oral surgery center and I even went to the trouble to see the causes of these conditions such as TMJ, which I found is often a cause of clenching your jaws too much or grinding your teeth so I've been thinking maybe if I take up those habits, I'll get lucky and have to go see him again for treatment. But of course I don't actually want to do that as I know it's ridiculous and I wouldn't like to damage my jaws. Although I have no interest in dentistry whatsoever, I had the fleeting thought of pursuing oral surgery as my career in the hopes that maybe when I graduate I could work alongside him. (He's not very old, so I think he would still be working when I completed my education).

I know all of the above tactics I have thought of are ridiculous, but what I really want more than anything is just to get to know the guy. I can't stop obsessing over the fact that I want to sit down with him and have a friendly conversation and become friends with him. I feel really embarrassed about this especially because I'm 18 and he's probably in his early forties, and he's a doctor and I'm a patient. I know perfectly well that none of this is plausible. I also feel envious of everyone who gets to spend time with him and be acquainted with him or more than that. (i.e. his surgical assistants, his family, etc.)

I've tried doing everything in my power to distract myself from the thought of him, such as doing things I enjoy, but because my depression is so bad I've lost interest in pretty much everything I used to love. At this point, I feel like the only remedy for my emotional pain is if I could befriend the doctor, but I know that unfortunately it can't happen. It's gotten to the point where I can't see past this cloud over my head and I feel that life isn't worth living if I can't have a connection to him.

In my personal life, I don't have many friends because my social anxiety makes it difficult for me to communicate in a friendly manner with people, especially those who are close to my age. It seems to me that the only people I ever wish I could be friends with are adults much older than me, most commonly male. Yes, some of my desires are sexual, but they are mostly platonic. (Although I have developed some romantic feelings for the oral surgeon, he is a married man with a family and the majority of my feelings are entirely non-sexual).

I probably sound extremely silly and creepy to a lot of you, but it's something I have struggled with for most of my life and continue to struggle with.

I need answers. I have made myself absolutely miserable. Does anyone else go through a similar thing and is there a name for it? How can I try to stop these obsessive thoughts? I am absolutely ashamed of myself and disgusted with the reason why I'm depressed, and that is why I came here, because I don't really have anyone else to talk to. Any advice would mean a lot. I know this is a long post and I apologize, I just wanted to make myself as clear as possible. Thank you all in advance!

[*Laurie*]

You don't sound creepy, at all. Actually, what you're experiencing is not unusual.

In my opinion, your symptoms are not OCD, but are transference symptoms. Transference with a therapist, teacher, doctor, etc. is not uncommon.

You might actually post on the Psychotherapy board here on PC and believe me, you'll get a lot of input, opinions, and advice.

[hopefulforhappiness]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

You don't sound creepy, at all. Actually, what you're experiencing is not unusual.

In my opinion, your symptoms are not OCD, but are transference symptoms. Transference with a therapist, teacher, doctor, etc. is not uncommon.

You might actually post on the Psychotherapy board here on PC and believe me, you'll get a lot of input, opinions, and advice.

Thank you for your reply! I really appreciate your advice as I've never heard of this before and I've been looking for answers for years because I have also dealt with the same thing with other important figures in my life and it's always been so distressing to me. I will definitely visit the Psychotherapy board. Thank you soooo much again!

[Blaire]

I totally get it. I've done the exact same thing with several men since my early teens. Teachers, friends, colleagues, and most recently a therapist. I'm still struggling with last one as I have to stop seeing him, and it's tearing me to pieces. It happens when men are comforting and caring toward me, just like your doctor. I become obsessed, I think about them constantly, and I feel so creepy. I'm starting therapy with a new therapist next week (a WOMAN this time), and I plan to aggressively address this problem. I'm 37 with a young child, and I need to focus on my own family and life, not the life of some man I can't have. If you can get therapy, try to address this now. I hoped I would grow out of it but never did. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's so hard. I hope it gets better for you soon. You're not alone.