[WestCoastGal]

Hi all!
I found this forum on searching for how to live with someone with OCD. My long-term partner of 20+ years has developed this in the past several years and it's only getting worse. Unfortunately, he's the kind of person that not only wouldn't go to a doctor unless he's dying, he will never, ever, ever go to any kind of therapist. It's not that he doesn't think it works, he just says he was raised that you don't discuss your stuff with strangers. Flat out refuses, plus he hates medication. So that's my first hurdle.

His OCD manifests as what I call germophobia, with some "checking" behaviors. He's a security guard and does legitimately see some disgusting things that bother him, like seeing the cleaning crew (he works off hours) use the same rags they used in the bathroom in the catering kitchen, then to clean the door handles, without replacing or even rinsing the rag. Heck, that bothers me just hearing about it! He sees some nasty stuff and it just makes his OCD even worse.

Some examples of what I live with:
He comes home from work and shuts and locks the door, yanking on the handle in a 1-2-3 pattern 3 or 4 times to ensure it's shut and locked. He then turns his phone off (flip style) and opens and closes it 4 or 5 times to make sure it's off. Then he takes out his wallet, even if he didn't use it, to flip back and forth several times to ensure all his various card things are there. Shoes do NOT come past the rack by the front door. Then he immediately disrobes, hanging his work pants up near the washer. I can't tell you how many times I've been warned against even brushing against them accidentally. (He puts on latex gloves to do laundry.) He then takes an hour-long shower that doesn't include the handwashing for several minutes. (I've convinced him not to use hand sanitizer for his skin's sake) When he's done and changed, THEN he gets something to drink before dinner, but has to use a paper towel so he doesn't touch the sink handles. He won't eat if I haven't washed my hands right before handling the food. He'll wear latex gloves if it's anything you eat with your hands, like sandwiches/fast food. If we go anywhere (he drives, I don't), he wears long-sleeved shirts/latex gloves/driving gloves over that and immediately changes and washes when we get home. The washing takes longer if he had to carry anything in from the car. When it's time for bed, he walks around to again ensure the door is closed and locked, ensure the sliding glass balcony door is closed and locked, ensure all the windows are closed and locked (wearing gloves the whole time....), making sure the stove is off even if no one used it, making sure the garbage can lid is closed... and always asks me if the door is locked and gets annoyed if I don't actually look at it.

This isn't everything, but it's already more than enough. I can't tell you how much money we've spent in the last few years in latex gloves and paper towels alone. I buy the cheapest ones because he can go through a roll a day, just using them to touch things, but I can't sustain this kind of budget much longer. If the tv remote falls on the floor, he has to clean it with gloves on and a clorox wipe, then a wet cloth, and makes sure it's out of reach while it dries because he's terrified the cats will touch it and get sick. We get a lot of things through Amazon because it's easier than going out and getting them, but then he freaks if the cats play on the boxes because the boxes are dirty. I work in healthcare and he's always asking me how long germs live on various surfaces.

I love him dearly and it hurts that this is clearly controlling him instead of the control over things he thinks he has. But last night, I tried so hard to not show how blanking frustrated I am. I forgot to charge my phone before bed. He was staying up later and offered to unplug it and put it on my purse when it was done, so I plugged it in. Then we kissed goodnight, my hand on his waist... and he was upset that I'd touched my phone and then touched him. Never upset with me, he recognizes what he does and has a lot of self-blame and self-hatred when he feels like he can't help it. Like, the "I'm sorry, I'll deal with it, I'm such a F---ng mess and a freak." kind of self-blame. Trying to reassure him just makes it worse. I'm at my wit's end, I don't know how to help him.

So, yea, thanks for listening. Time to get back to work, where I can actually deal with issues....

sighing,
MO

[*Laurie*]

I've been married to my husband for 36 years. He has OCD that permeates every aspect of his life. While we were raising our children his OCD, while very bad, was not as severe as it is now. It's become worse with age. He and I love each other dearly and we are best friends. BUT we cannot live together because of his OCD. He's a hoarder and I literally cannot move through his house. So I live in an apartment one mile from him. I make the best of an extremely challenging situation, but if I stop and really think about it...well, my life is HARD because of my husband's mental illness. And it's hard on our children (grown now), too.

My husband is also a Vietnam vet and does receive therapy and meds from the VA. Helps a little bit, but not much.