[harmfulleh]

I'm feeling like dirt while I'm writing this, because of what happened some time ago and what is happening in my mind these days, or months, or years.
I have already opened two topics here, but I'm not satisfied with what I wrote probably.
I'll write all the details here.

I first had BDD some (3-4) years ago, it lasted about two years and now it, it kind of 'evolved' in something else. All my thoughts were always the same, before and now, the difference is that while initially I was obsessed with my face, my body, with time I've forgot them and focused on my sexuality: I've used to masturbate to every kind of thought, thinking it wouldn't have affected me.. the point is that I find most of them disgusting (I mean, they are in many cases also inappropriate).

So my concern now is obsession about intrusive sexual thoughts, during masturbation. I find it very difficult to find relief without any of them appear.
I can distinguish between thoughts I don't like and those I do like, but I can't force myself on thinking about what I want every second of my life. This is the 'so called' control, and as an human being I would say I even 'like' control on my actions, so when I lose it I lose myself. And when this happens, I feel like I'm horrible enough as those thoughts are, and keep thinking and acting ad I am horrible.

I thought it would have got easier with time but it didn't. I have to find another way, and it's an abstract thing so it's difficult to talk about it and explain to people why I'm feeling bad for apparently no reason.
I really would appreciate some relief now. It feels so distant.

This is my ''checkpoint'', whenever I feel bad I come back to this feeling. It sucks. I feel lost.

[Skeezyks]

Hello harmfulleh: I don't have any advice to offer you here. However I think I can sympathize with what you've written here. So I simply wanted to offer you my best wishes with the hope you will be able to find deep peace within.