Childhood Experiences causing Anxiety/OCD

So I need to talk to someone about this. From what I've read on the internet the things that I've done in my childhood are normal and I shouldn't blame myself for them. However, my OCD and anxiety wont allow myself to forgive myself.

Let me start when I was young. Around 4-6 years old, my older cousin of about 9-11 years old, started doing sexual things with me. There was never oral or intercourse (thank god), but at 4-6 years old, I had no clue about stuff like this, while she obviously did. I don't want to say she molested me because she was a kid herself and she didn't know any better and was acting on the things she saw( or god forbid, done to her.) but I was obviously at the age where I was easily impressionable and went along with what she said to do. And sometimes I do feel like I was molested and abused. At first I was nervous and scared at times and felt uncomfortable, but I also enjoyed some of the play (which usually involved kissing and boob touching, and I feel gross for enjoying). She also touched my penis once when I didn't want her too. Thinking back on this stuff, it actually gets me choked up, which leads me to believe that she did other things to me that I don't remember, such as touching me in my sleep when we had sleep overs. This stopped after a short time (she got caught trying to show me her boob, but I think I asked her) and I got over it. However, the effects didn't materialize until later(my anxiety and OCD). Again, I don't want blame her, but I do believe I was taken advantage of.

This jump started my sexuality way earlier than it should have, and I'm ashamed for participating in those acts. I was also attracted to older guys at my age (now around 9-12) after that, and even tried to peak at older men in my family. I remember one time I tried to peak at my uncle's junk once, and even took a picture of his butt (mostly as a joke and deleted it soon after). I also started experimenting with my male cousin who is a year older. We did the typical stuff boys do(masturbate together (a lot), find our parents porn stash, measure dicks, etc. All of this was fine, except for one or two things. Because we experimented together, I got curious one day at a sleep over, and licked his penis while he slept once. I thought this was okay because we did other things together and this is what cousins are supposed to do ( From what I learned from my older cousin). I also touched his butt. I felt guilty, but we continued to experiment over the next two years, and then we stopped. During one the experiments, my male cousin put his finger in his dogs vagina and tried to get me to do it, but I said no.

Any way, I've never done anything like that with a male cousin or female cousin or family member ever again like that (all this happened when I was a young kid), and I feel like an upstanding citizen. Its just those things that I did with and to my male cousin and uncle makes me feel extremely guilty. I know it has something to do with being taken advantage of as 5 year-old, but I just blame myself for being disgusting. What do you think. Please give uplifting feedback.

Hello pillup: Thanks for sharing your concerns. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support. I can't really comment specifically with regard to what you experienced except to say that there are things in my childhood that haunt me to this day as well. (And I'm almost 70 years old!) I suppose we all have them. Unfortunately (or fortunately... depending on how you look at it I guess) in my case stuff that came later was, in its own way just as troublesome. So that, to some extent, has overshadowed the childhood stuff.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!