[nikon]

hi
i'm not sure if i'm currently diagnosed with ocd (i don't know my official diagnoses), but i've identified my long-term struggle with compulsive and intrusive thoughts as the kind of purely obsessional ocd. the thoughts used to be very fear-based. around the age of 21 i learnt to deal with them in a dysfunctional way, but at least the obsessive thoughts lessened. recently i've started having really intrusive thoughts that bother me. i kind of know that i don't [I]really[I] believe these thoughts but they are happening so often i feel like i'm turning into a monster.

a lot of it will be derogatory thoughts about other people - thinking derogatory words in a racist, sexist, homophobic, all-round disgusting way. if i analyse it, i think my obsessive thoughts have probably gone in this direction because i highly value equality and want to be the kind of person who never discriminates or is prejudiced. i am part of a minority myself.

but i'm becoming really bothered by this, because it's like an inner voice that comes up that i just can't stop. i'm aware that if i think "stop it!" it's likely to spur the thoughts on, but often if i feel annoyed with a person, my mind will pre-emptively say "now you know all those things you are NOT supposed to think...." and in a split second the inner voice will have started up. i'm starting to feel like a really s*** person.

this is probably triggering >>>> i've also had other intrusive thoughts where i'll suddenly start imagining the worst possible scenario that could happen in different situations. for example, while waiting to see my therapist, my mind suddenly goes to a picture of gunmen storming in, and (the worst thing imaginable) forcing me to have sex with my therapist. like, every tiny thing about that scenario makes me want to hide forever. i don't think it's specific with the therapist, but that one just stands out because i would have talked about the intrusive thoughts, if the scenario hadn't been so awful.

i'm ashamed to bring up any of this in therapy. i don't want to bring up the derogatory thoughts because they disgust me and make me worry that i'm really that person. it feels like no therapist could ever see me as a worthy human being if they knew what i was thinking.

has anyone else had thoughts like these?

[Skeezyks]

Oh sure... I've had all sorts of vile thoughts over the years. The difference is I just don't pay them any mind. It's like the old saying: "It's mind over matter. If you don't mind it doesn't matter." It would be great if I never had any bad thoughts. But I do. So that's the way it goes...

By the way, I also have lots of things I could never ever talk about with a therapist. That's one part of the reason I don't see one. To my way of thinking, if one is not or cannot be forthright with one's therapist... what's the point? Perhaps other people feel differently.

I don't know as you would really have to talk about the "gunmen" thoughts in particular. I could see where that might be just a bit too embarrassing. But perhaps you could talk about the other thoughts you've had that don't involve your therapist? Assuming your therapist is someone who is experienced, s/he's heard it all before. I doubt s/he would think less of you for sharing your thoughts. S/he likely would be pleased & proud that you felt safe enough to share such difficult material.

Thoughts are just thoughts. From my perspective, what is significant here is the distress they are causing you. And I think the best way for you to put them to rest may well be to just bring them out in the open. Therapy is a good place to do that it seems to me.

[nikon]

thanks Skeezyks.
i try not to pay attention to them too, but sometimes when i'm around people it's this silent onslaught in my head. yeah, i agree about the being honest with your therapist bit. i've just started seeing a new therapist so am still getting to know how things work, but if and when the time comes when the thoughts get too bad, i will try to talk about them. in the past i've been encouraged to use "the four steps plus one" to deal with ocd thoughts, but i haven't used it well. it feels extremely cumbersome to go through a four step process every time i have an intrusive thought. not sure if you're familiar with it.