[I hate myself]

POCD again... I think?

I know. It’s just whenever I see a child on TV or not I get very anxious and I look away. And I am still confused on what I am because OCD makes me doubt I’m normal and I’m a monster when I don’t want to be. Its scary and I am so scared I’m a pedophile, when I masturbate intrusive thoughts come up too... and ruin it...

If you read my past posts you can see my main issues with this OCD, at least I think it is. I can’t enjoy anything but South Park and Fairy tail without guilt and even then I have to look away at some scenes and it’s been like that for awhile now, anything relating to children triggers me and scares me.

Possible trigger:

I’m so worried about being a pedo and might possibly jacking off to kids and being a child molester I battle the thoughts daily, keep on resisting them no matter what, and I must never give in to them no matter how much it tires me out.

I cannot live like this, I don’t know if I’m a pedo in denial or not. The OCD thoughts make me think I’m a pedo by pouring unwanted thoughts to hell and back. What even am I? Is it possible to be a pedo and not be turned on by kids? Is it possible to get rid of this **** for good? I don’t want to be attracted to kids, I am not turned on by them, I hate the thoughts, and I avoid kids left and right so I don’t get intrusive anxiety. I am starting to believe I’m a pedo, how can I tell if I’m attracted to kids?

I am not turned on by them anymore, but I used to jack off to them. The intrusive thoughts are twisting everything and I’m afraid that I am in-fact a pedophile. The thoughts give me gag reflexes now at times. And I’m so scared of kids, yet at the same time I want to look at porn of girls my age. I’m afraid I will get the urge to masturbate to kids again. I put in all web blockers in place to avoid it. But every search engine I see has the pictures of the kids. I’m not turned on by them anymore. But still... What if? What if im actually attracted to kids and I don’t want to admit it? That is the common thought I get recurring, and the thoughts of kids being raped, molested, or just being naked in general scare me. I don’t get turned on, but at times I get unwanted erections or groinal responses. I do get gag reflexes too.

I don’t know what to do it is scary. I don’t want to be a pedophile or a child molester! I don’t want the thing I get off to to be naked little girls! Not anymore, never again! I regret all the things I did when I was 12-13... Is that definitive proof I’m a pedophile? I’m so scared because one time when I was 12, I stared at a 2 year old girl’s butt at the pool and I’m starting to feel that is also proof, I regret that, and I regret looking at kids too! Is my past actions definitely proof I’m a pedo? Should I accept being something I’m possibly not? I hate the constant thoughts and doubts. I’m not turned on by children. But why though? Why did I masturbate to them then?

[Skeezyks]

I recall replying to your previous posts on this subject. Perhaps other PC members will have some insights they'll want to share. My personal opinion is you're not going to find answers to this on-line. You really have to find some way to get with a psychologist or mental health therapist who has expertise in the areas of OCD & human sexuality & then work with that person to figure all of this out.

All of this is clearly causing you untold distress. And I know something about what it can be like to live with this sort of thing. (I've had my own secrets I've carried around for many decades.) To my knowledge there are no easy answers to it. It's simply something you're going to have to work through in one way or another, preferably with the help of a knowledgeable mental health professional.

The good thing is you're living at a time in history when professional mental health treatment is available. It may not always be perfect. But it wasn't so many years ago when there was no help of any sort. People who were struggling with the sorts of concerns you have, or the sorts I had, simply hid in the closet & did what they had to do to survive. I hope that, in some way, you can find the strength to reach out in real life for the help you need.

[bpcyclist]

Constantly seeking reassurance about all this discomfort you are having is actually a part of the condition, if you did not know that already.

You need to get a therapist.