[XbeyondXtwistedX]

Hi there!
So it happens that I just started therapy for Social Anxiety mostly and after my intake session, I feel like I am 100 times worse than before.

After the session I litterally spent my days overanalyzing everything that happened to me. And noticed some pretty bisare things that had happened to me and some stuff that followed me through adulthood.

History:

Possible trigger:

Father drank a lot every weekend. Parents fought a lot, to the point my dad would always threathen my mom he would kill her. I had no siblings or friends to escape to when things were scary. My mom once hit her pregnant belly on purpose when she and my dad was fighting. Eventually she lost the baby. (?)

Things I noticed:

• as a very small child I would masturbate to disturbing masochistic thoughts. I don't remember getting molested or anything. Did not mention this to my T. Am scared of what she would think.

• I still get turned on by now more "normal" bdsm scenes. Still with the sado/ masochistic elements though.

• I had intrusive thoughts of killing my mom as a child which distressed me a lot. I could never tell anyone this. Mentioned this to T.

• When I was like 3 or a bit older I remembered putting my hand on her neck and thinking if I could kill her. I kind of felt like I liked that masochistic feeling. What in the world was wrong with me so young????

• As I got older these intrusive thoughts went away, but then I was focused on finding a female friend who is older than me to comfort me. I would feel a very nice tingly sensation (like a roller coaster ride) in my belly when people (only older females) would show care or concern or when I see this between 2 people on tv. My life would revolve around finding that person and fantasing of having someone that cared about me. Much later on these tingles sometimes also included groinal responses. Never thought much about them until now I am in therapy. It is not sexual at all. Am I messed up? I am dying of the anxiety and shame. I feel suicidal.

So right after my therapy session I almost falled in that trap of wanting my therapist to comfort me for those really nice feelings. But I realized this is not normal. I am too ashamed or scared to bring this up to my T.

But does any of you have any idea what this might be and why I was so messed up as a kid?

[XbeyondXtwistedX]

Can someone please reply? I am really worried.

[Skeezyks]

Hello XbeyondXtwistedX: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. Welcome to Psych Central. The Anxiety forum, here on PC, is one that may be of interest to you. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/anxie...c-and-phobias/

I'm sorry I don't know as there is a lot I'm going to be able to tell you about this. You didn't mention how old you are. (I'm 72 by the way.) However I recognize quite a bit of my own childhood in what you wrote. I had somewhat different issues than you had. (I'll spare you the details.) But it appears to me, based on what you wrote, that we each grew up with psychological problems that went unaddressed. And, as a result, we both just hid what was going on with us & did the best we could to cope. That has a huge impact on a person's adulthood I believe. At least it did in my case.

You mentioned having just started therapy for social anxiety & the emotional turmoil that has created for you. I haven't had a lot of experience with therapy myself. (I'm mostly still hiding.) But, based on what experience I have had, I don't think it is at all unusual for a person to have the experience you're having in the beginning. You're inching toward revealing, & dealing with, things you've kept hidden for years. Perhaps it's like the old saying: it has to hurt before it can feel better?

You mentioned shame. Toxic shame held within can do terrible damage. I know that because I have an ocean liner's worth of guilt & shame myself. Here are links to 4 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on that subject:

What Is Toxic Shame?

A Brief Guide to Unprocessed Childhood Toxic Shame

Toxic, Chronic Shame: What It's Like to Live with It

Unearthing & Ridding Yourself of Toxic Shame

And then, also, here are links to 3 articles on healing your inner child:

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...r-inner-child/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-step...r-inner-child/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/addic...d-inner-child/

My best wishes to you. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

P.S. Here's yet another link... this one to an article that offers suggestions for how to survive suicidal thoughts:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...idal-thoughts/

[XbeyondXtwistedX]

Thank you for replying. I am 30 by the way.

I will check out the articles. I appreciate the time you took to share these with me.

[Albertina Geller]

I will only tell you one thing don't get scared from your therapist and share every thought that you get. This is the only way from which they will get a better understanding of what you are facing.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, XbeyondX, and welcome to Psych Central! We can't diagnose you, since we're mainly fellow travelers on the road to better mental health, but it does seem like you have a lot going on.

It doesn't sound like OCD to me--but rather intrusive thoughts and feelings, fueled by lots of anger--possible due to abuse. I am glad you're seeing a therapist. I made the decision to do that years ago and it has been life changing.

Like me, it sounds like you didn't get what you needed from your mother, and are reaching out to fill that void. I suggest you check out these forums as well to see if any of them sound familiar: https://psychcentralforums.com/survivors-of-abuse/ and https://psychcentralforums.com/child...ional-neglect/. Between Skeez and me, we'll keep you reading!

I agree that you need to tell your therapist everything as you feel more comfortable with her. I even wanted to crawl into my therapist's lap one time, since she was so nurturing.

It's normal for initial therapy to make us feel uncomfortable and to "stir up the pot," but hang in there. We are giving you suggestions, but it will be up to your therapist to diagnose you--which might take a bit.

We're glad you contacted us--and we are here for you. Again, welcome!

[XbeyondXtwistedX]

Thank you for all the responses. I do feel very scared of talking about these things. I am scared my T will think I am messed up. She was super nice to me in the last session so I am scared she will no longer be friendly if I share these very disturbing details.