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Firefly92
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Member Since Oct 2023
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1
Default Oct 23, 2023 at 12:08 PM
  #1
Hi all,

This is a long one but Iíll try and be brief.

In 2010 I started having intrusive paedophile thoughts. I didnít know it at the time so after a few tremendously stressful weeks, I attempted suicide. It didnít work, I got seen to by medical professionals and was diagnosed with OCD. I was put on medication and attended therapy. I very much recovered; the thoughts werenít as intrusive or as constant though I still had them, I was mostly managing and at the end of 2011, I had my last therapy session. Life went on and as I said the thoughts would come and go but everything was fine.

A few months back around June/July, I started having thoughts about looking up child porn on my phone. Gradually, I started having thoughts, images and fears about me going on my phone checking out indecent images. Itís gotten even worse in the last few weeks; when scrolling on my phone it feels as if I want to check out such things and it has me concerned. In the last couple of weeks, the physical anxiety seems to have gone and donít feel particularly stressed. The problem is the thoughts are there and theyíre starting to feel casual, almost normal: itís as if I feel or Iím a paedo, I think about what my workmates and friends would think if I was paedo. For the record Iíve never looked up indecent images, Iím not even interested in normal porn, never was. But Iíve become intensely aware of my especially when Iím at home. And as said it feels as if Iím comfortable with the thoughts and that I would do them. I guess Iím looking for reassurance, Iím wondering if there is anyone out there who feels or has felt like this?
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