Scary POCD/porn fear :(

I just joined these forums, but I've had symptoms of OCD since I was probably six or seven (I'm in my early twenties now). I've cycled through pretty much every obsession you can name and then some (a lot of harm themes--particularly self-harm--and sexual and religious themes), but the worst has been POCD by far. I've finally and thankfully realized that I'm not and will never be sexually interested in kids, but I've had a weird fear that spiraled off of that fear, a fear of encountering child porn online or even being associated with it in any way.

The compulsion is what's killing me. It started with me having to Google anything I typed or posted online, then progressed to looking up any words I read that we're unfamiliar to me, and finally to anything I think of. Sometimes I'd have to double or triple check. I'd have to scroll through pages of image results to make sure there was nothing on there that would freak me out, and investigate anything that looked suspicious. The vast, vast majority of the time, there would be nothing there that I was afraid of, but a few times I have stumbled across material that seemed inappropriate. This made the fears even worse, sometimes resulting in me feeling too physically ill, to do eat or sleep or even think.

Please, if you have any advice, I could use it. I've confided in the three people closest to me about this, but I could use the perspective of someone who understands OCD and how it works. I'm planning on getting back to therapy and starting my meds again (I was on 40mg of Prozac a day until I stupidly decided I was "cured"). This is literally destroying me. I feel terrible and disgusting every day. I don't even know how to love with this anymore.

Hi, Eevee, and welcome to Psych Central! My therapist says to remember that the anxiety won't kill you, but I'm sure it's hard to keep worrying about these things.

Maybe someone with OCD will come along soon, so hang in here.

I am glad you are going back into therapy. I think that's the best thing you can do.

Holy **** I thought I was alone... I'm terrified of that too. I feel SOOO similar about child porn/gay porn. I'm scared I'll become a pedophile or be gay. I'm not a pedophile and I'm not gay but I get so terrified.

I hope you didn't mean to compare homosexuality to pedophilia in the way that you just seemed to?

HELL NO! I completely support gays!!!! I have a gay best friend! My aunt is gay!!! I wrote a paper on marriage equality. I stopped being a Catholic because my church teacher said being gay was a sin.

That's ok - I realised that you weren't homophobic as soon as I saw your other post.

Yeah! Sorry I just really don't wanna be taken the wrong way

I think my personal fear surrounding this is just paranoia, you know, "Big Brother Sees Us". Sometimes I google things just because I'm interested or quotes from books or movies or whatever, and then suddenly I panic that out of context it seems really inappropriate and before you know it I'll have Interpol on my door. Or that I would stumble upon child pornography, which I would also find so incredibly disturbing in addition to the fear that somehow it would be linked to me even though I never went looking for it.

So... Just some good old "government paranoia" here.

I'm not sure if it's OCD

Every psychologist I've spoken to is certain that's what it is, although a few of the therapists I had when I was younger suspected I may have mild Asperger's, ADHD, or some kind of PTSD. I don't know if that helps at all.

I feel you so much on this, I feel like I get the sexualization feeling on children, feeling I might fear myself becoming a pedophile. It's not a good feeling I tell you that, I've had Pure OCD in the last 2 years, and after going to a therapists, my thoughts are sorted out and I feel comfortable on what I think about. Tell yourself the consequences, this truly works. OCD is nothing but a thought of compulsion, and the way you react to that thought really determines your outcome of your actions. I'm not saying "Oh if I think about this I will jsut go a do the compulsory thought." Certainly not, once you're able to feel comfortable about your thoughts you will be fine.And when your next question is "What if these thoughts become normal and I might just act upon my intrusive thoughts?" Of course you won't! It takes common sense to realize a problem and you had the common sense to come to us and tell us about it. Although I did not take any meds at all, I feel as if it depends on the person. I used to have Pure O, most horrible feelings I've ever had, I always felt like giving up on fighting it, but believe me, you will get through this and feel once again great about your life. Just one true advice, REALLY rationalize your thought, need I say no more, RATIONALIZE your thoughts, think thoroughly and logically on your intrusive thoughts. Just some personal experience I'd like the share. Continue sessions with your T as long as you need to. Good luck and fight on!

Pure-O is rough, especially given that its only very recently been gaining respect in the therapeutic community.

The way I conceptualize OCD to work is that its an overactive defense mechanism; worry or anxiety is a subconscious fear. The part of the brain that regulates this is a very old one in evolutionary terms; the basal ganglia. Its reasonable for you to worry about things that truly put you at risk, for you to act on those.

Right now its happening in ways that aren't necessary for your mind to do. The next problem is that the danger and feeling of anxiety snow balls when you worry ABOUT the worry. It strengthens the very thoughts that are causing you anxiety.

What your checking is... is a covert ritual (just like checking a stove is off, only just within your mind) to TRY to reassure you of your safety. It never works, and just strengthens the OCD cycle.

The common treatment for regular OCD is exposure and response prevention. That means you get used to the feeling of your fear, but "deal with the response" with the help of a therapist, so your brain can learn a new reaction to the doubt.

Normally in POCD the rituals are entirely in your mind, which makes ERP ineffective. You're lucky in that you seem to have some compulsions that could be dealt with in a physical... behavioral way.

For what its worth, there are a few other directions you can go with OCD, broadly, including CBT (including but not necessarily more REBT based CBT - with a therapist that's experienced with the OCD process, because their experience is important.)

A new treatment thats gotten good results with treatment resistant OCD is IBT or Inference Based Therapy -- basically a mixture of CBT and a narrative approach to rewrite your faulty internal scripts.

Another thing that should be mentioned is pharmacotherapy. While it doesn't replace therapy, including an SSRI (and sometimes a variety of other pharms) can be of great assistance. You should note that sometimes OCD needs a higher therapeutic dose than depression would, and different people react very differently. Zoloft has had some good results, notably... so I think another visit to a psychiatrist to look to try some alternatives would be wise. If you've tolerated one SSRI, then its probable that another typical SSRI would be well tolerated.

The reason why people still have pure O is because we are trying to defeat an irrelevant fear or irrelevant thing. It would be like the equivalent of dumping oil in milk and then trying to separate the milk from the oil. When in all reality we could just go buy some more milk. I'm not claiming to be an expert on pure O or ocd I just wanted to point out what helps me. We already know these things are not rational but we also must realize that it is irrelevant as well. The problem is irrelevant. It is just a habit that we have created. What I mean is having these intrusive thoughts doesn't do any good at all. Just like dumping oil in milk doesn't solve anything, neither do these thoughts. These thoughts shouldn't be there at all. I know you are thinking like, "well, duh!" but I know how emotionally and spiritually draining pure o is. The best thing to do is just accept the thoughts as just information, nothing more or less. Also our minds learn based on what we take action on or what we do. Kind of like a kid learns from his/her parents. If the parent tells the kid not to smoke but smokes themselves then there is a significant probability that the child will end up smoking. It is sort of the same concept with OCD or pure O. The problem is we are having trouble convincing ourselves. It is an reassurance issue, but like I said trying to separate oil from the milk is near impossible. Accept the thoughts as just thoughts and then reinforce your TRUE values and beliefs by taking action. It takes an extreme amount of courage but it can work. I know people who have conquered their OCD and pure O so I know it isn't impossible. I suffer from pure O myself so I know how much it sucks. I hope this helps and I didn't mean to offend anyone if I did. Take care.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I too have OCD and struggle with intense fears that come with it. For me, my most recent one came with a delusion from one of my other disorders. I believed that the government was trying to round everyone up and put us in FEMA concentration camps. Everywhere I looked I saw something about FEMA and it terrified me. I eventually was afraid to open books, the computer, turn on the TV, go outside even because I thought if I encountered FEMA too much then the government would come and kill me so I couldn't stop their plan. For me all it took was upping my antipsychotic to take away the delusion and the OCD fear went with it. So definitely be completely honest with your pdoc about how much it is affecting you and how it is making you feel. Unfortunately some medications must persist throughout life...but I'm stopping my meds right now for Bipolar hoping I can do it without this time so I know where you're coming from. If you need anything I'm here.

u know what, u will be ok bby. go get some professonal help. im dealling with simmilar things as well

It's so hard because I've been dealing with thoughts of being a "P" since I was in elementary school. Because even though I've gotten older (23) the one thing I still fear is my "s" attraction. I live in fear that one day someone will know about this.

I'd rather die than hurt them.

My Pdoc knows how distressing this is for me but she thinks it's just rumination.