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Old May 29, 2009, 01:16 AM
BiscuitTin BiscuitTin is offline
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It's been a bad week.

It's actually been pretty good.

I was worried for the previous two weeks that I had a tumour.

It turned out not to be the case, so I'm relieved, and any life problems that are thrown at me are trivial in comparison.

I have to move out of home.

I have been paying my parents 100 dollars a week. They say they don't want the money, they want me to start looking for a job.

If that's the case then why did they take the cash in the first place?

I found it an enormous inconvenience, not to mention a stab in the back to be lied to about what my money was being used for.

I paid them the money to get them off my back so I didn't feel bad about using the TV, etc. It was for the bills/food, and so on. I then found out they were just keeping the money for me. Strange as it sounds, that just pissed me off. I want to know what my financial situation is and how much money I have. I don't appreciate being lied to. I also wanted to pay them for living expenses so that I could be guilt-free and hassle-free.

I don't know why they can't just take the money and let me find a job in my own time. I do want to find a job. I am working with a vocational rehabiliation service to get a job.

Instead, I will be moving out now and the money will go to some stranger. The smart move would be to keep it in the family, particularly as my parents are retired.

I am 31 years old, so it's time to move on, but I just disagree with the circumstances I guess.

I got really mad today, I basically went absolutely ballistic and called them every name under the sun. I just wanted to know what was going on, they were keeping me in the dark and I had no answers.

I finally got the answers I was looking for though.

It's complicated.

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  #2  
Old May 29, 2009, 02:08 AM
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ECHOES ECHOES is offline
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They want for you to be able to experience the joy of independence
Thanks for this!
Catherine2
  #3  
Old May 29, 2009, 09:50 PM
BiscuitTin BiscuitTin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ECHOES View Post
They want for you to be able to experience the joy of independence
I don't enjoy being hit and screamed at when I'm paying 100 dollars a week as a living allowance. I was being hit and screamed at for sleeping in until 10 in the morning.

On one hand they enforce the rules like a landlord would, and on the other they act differently to a landlord by getting involved in my life and shouting at me for sleeping in, etc.

The solution for me is to stop paying board altogether. I don't pay for the privilege of being spat upon in the morning.
  #4  
Old May 29, 2009, 10:18 PM
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eskielover eskielover is offline
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When baby birds get are old enough, they get their feathers & their wings start to work.....The parents KICK THEM OUT of the nest. There comes a time in everyone's life whenif then don't seem to be willing to become independent & don't have the motivation inside of themselves to do what it takes to be independent, then the ones who they are dependent on are doing them the best favor of pushing them out of the nest.

It is important to be independent & self reliant......that is really what life is all about.....even when we get married, if we don't go into the marriage feeling the confidence that independence & self reliance gives us, we can end up failing the marriage miserably also.

I'm thinking you parents are doing very best thing for you by getting you out of the house...sounds to me like they at first thought you would motivate yourself to get out & get a job & start to become independent & then they found out that wasn't happening & they needed to take action to force you since you weren't doing it on your own.

Sometimes we get into ruts & we can't get out unless we get kicked out......it is sad when we can't do it ourselves & then we end up blaming the people who were trying to be kind enough to give us a chance to show how mature & independent for doing what we should have done for ourselves.

You will do just find on your own....you will find out how wonderful it feels to take care of yourself...have your own home to be responsible for & proud of.....a place to call your own...not your parents. I know there is a fear of not being able to handle being alone...after 33 years of being married & then leaving it....I was wondering if I could manage & handle everything myself.....then we surprise ourselves & find out just how happy & exciting life really is.

I am sure you will do great & everything will turn out great for you. Don't be mad at your parents for having to motivate you when you weren't able to motivate yourself....I am sure they feel they gave you enough time....& not it's time for you to FLY.....SOAR into your own life.....think of yourself as the eagle who is just taking off from it's parent nest & starting life on it's own with all the excitement, challenges, & wonderful times ahead.

Go get em.....you can do it
Debbie
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Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018
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Catherine2, Shangrala
  #5  
Old May 29, 2009, 10:58 PM
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Jewels Jewels is offline
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tough love always feel so disturbin, like u r gettin kicked in the rear for somethin u didn't want ta happen...but they seem like they r wantin the same thing for u that u want...ta have ur own place an b able ta do it all by urself...an the money they saved up for you is a treasure of love from them...most parents dont do that an end up hurtin the daughter or son they r tryin ta get out of the house ta help them become independent...

i hope that u will find a great place ta live, an will b able to relate ta ur parents in a totally different way...as the adult they know u can b...an i KNOW that its possible...we hadda do the same thing when we were in our early 20s...it isnt easy but it is so worth it...an we didnt end up havin bad feelins toward them either...we hope that the same thing will happen ta u an u will have a good relationship with them after u move out on ur own...remember...they havent gone ne where...they r actually wantin what is good for u...an they dont want u ta fail...they want u ta succeed...but it takes work...lots of it...an patience...an dont forget to smell the roses along the way...
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  #6  
Old May 30, 2009, 08:09 AM
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Shangrala Shangrala is offline
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All of the replies you've received are quite possibly accurate to which, I agree with.

Perhaps, also consider the fact that since your parents have reached retirement age, it's possible that they are also thinking along the lines of the fact that they are much older now. Once we enter our senior years we can't help but to face fact that our years are now beggining to reach our closure (of course that all depends on the individual with a vast variance of influencial circumstances).

Maybe, too, through their attempts of helping you to become independant, thus self-reliant, they are encouraging you to learn how to mangage the care for yourself, for once they have gone they will no longer be there TO help?
They love you so much, (and as a parent myself, I can only imagine how difficult it is for them to push you out of that nest).

It isn't that they don't want you with them, but rather they need to know that you will be able to care for yourself. And, what better time to try it on your own than WHILE they are there to help you, should you encounter unforeseen difficulties.

And also, perhaps maybe they felt that if they had told you that they were tucking away that money for you, it may possibly have only encouraged you to remain unmotivated, (as it may have merely been a planted seed of possible further dependance of having another source of financial backup, should you have ever needed it?...dunno, just a thot).

Try to know that your parent's intentions are with you in mind and I highly doubt they are only in for their own gain, (other than having the peace of mind knowing that you will obtain the happiness of what independance does deliver you and the fact that you will sustain on your own once the time does come that they do pass on?).

I'm confident it will all work out for the best for you. Good luck in your endevours.

Shangrala
Thanks for this!
Catherine2, eskielover
  #7  
Old May 30, 2009, 11:20 AM
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Catherine2 Catherine2 is offline
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It's been a bad week.
It's actually been pretty good.
I was worried for the previous two weeks that I had a tumour.
It turned out not to be the case, so I'm relieved, and any life problems that are thrown at me are trivial in comparison.
I'm happy for you that you did not have a tumor.
I have to move out of home.
I have been paying my parents 100 dollars a week.
They say they don't want the money, they want me to start looking for a job.
It's not unreasonable for them to expect you to move towards being independent...
If that's the case then why did they take the cash in the first place?
Most likely to save it so you would have money for deposits on utilities and phone when you move out.
My daughter is in a similar situation in my home. She pays far less "rent" than you do, is expected to make a serious effort to find work, and is also going through vocational rehab.
It was hard on all of us until boundaries were set and honored...we feel more at ease and so does she.
We sat down and *listened* to each other without interruption. It's nice to have clear boundaries set on all sides...

I found it an enormous inconvenience, not to mention a stab in the back to be lied to about what my money was being used for.
Inconvenience?! You are lucky to have parents who allowed you to move back in, and put aside that money for you. It means they are fully supporting you for now, their choice? Yes...a hard decision based on what is going to help you.
Perhaps that decision was based on love.

I paid them the money to get them off my back so I didn't feel bad about using the TV, etc. It was for the bills/food, and so on. I then found out they were just keeping the money for me. Strange as it sounds, that just pissed me off. I want to know what my financial situation is and how much money I have. I don't appreciate being lied to. I also wanted to pay them for living expenses so that I could be guilt-free and hassle-free.
Get them off your back? Interesting. Pay them so you can do what you want and expect them to remain silent...
It's their home, their rules, their lives that were and continue to be changed by the actions of a grown child.
I don't know why they can't just take the money and let me find a job in my own time. I do want to find a job. I am working with a vocational rehabiliation service to get a job.
Finding a job in your own time...yeah, it's scary out there.
It's also very easy to lose motivation when you have all your needs met by someone else.
Instead, I will be moving out now and the money will go to some stranger. The smart move would be to keep it in the family, particularly as my parents are retired.
It's a loving gesture on their part to save that money in order to help you. I don't believe this is what they expected was going to be a part of their retirement years. It shows much love on their part to set aside their own needs/wants...
I am 31 years old, so it's time to move on, but I just disagree with the circumstances I guess.
Circumstances are better than they could have been...you were not thrown out, were you? Rather you were expected to act as an adult, and make concrete moves to find your own way. Realistic, jmo
I got really mad today, I basically went absolutely ballistic and called them every name under the sun. I just wanted to know what was going on, they were keeping me in the dark and I had no answers.
Being upset is understandable. Your name calling is not...
It might be a good idea for you and your parents to have that talk, listen to their expectations of you while living in their home, and you asking for some leeway in pursing employment.
Leeway...not an indefinite amount of time.
I finally got the answers I was looking for though.
It's complicated.

It's always complicated in a situation like this one.
Your parents have as much right to their feelings as you do yours--respect those feelings. You are not owed anything by them. You do owe them respect, though.

A good life awaits you...a sense of satisfaction and pride that you are independent and can live the way you want, and that is just the beginning of standing on your own two legs, doubling your self respect, and discovering what makes you happy.

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The Most Dangerous Enemy Is The One In Your Head Telling You What You Do and Don't Deserve...
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  #8  
Old May 31, 2009, 03:50 AM
BiscuitTin BiscuitTin is offline
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[quote=Catherine2;1034362]It's been a bad week.
It's actually been pretty good.
I was worried for the previous two weeks that I had a tumour.
It turned out not to be the case, so I'm relieved, and any life problems that are thrown at me are trivial in comparison.
I'm happy for you that you did not have a tumor.
I have to move out of home.
I have been paying my parents 100 dollars a week.
They say they don't want the money, they want me to start looking for a job.
It's not unreasonable for them to expect you to move towards being independent...
If that's the case then why did they take the cash in the first place?
Most likely to save it so you would have money for deposits on utilities and phone when you move out.
My daughter is in a similar situation in my home. She pays far less "rent" than you do, is expected to make a serious effort to find work, and is also going through vocational rehab.
It was hard on all of us until boundaries were set and honored...we feel more at ease and so does she.
We sat down and *listened* to each other without interruption. It's nice to have clear boundaries set on all sides...

I found it an enormous inconvenience, not to mention a stab in the back to be lied to about what my money was being used for.
Inconvenience?! You are lucky to have parents who allowed you to move back in, and put aside that money for you. It means they are fully supporting you for now, their choice? Yes...a hard decision based on what is going to help you.
Perhaps that decision was based on love.
I'm sure it was. But why does that matter? A lot of bad decisions are based on love. My mother went to my employment agency when I thought I was terminal last year and asked them to help me get a job. I went there and found this out. I can never go back there again.

Get them off your back? Interesting. Pay them so you can do what you want and expect them to remain silent...
It's their home, their rules, their lives that were and continue to be changed by the actions of a grown child.

I don't pay them so I can do what I want, just so they don't interfere with my life. I want to find a job and be independent and all that, but I want to do it without being hit or spat upon or yelled at.

Finding a job in your own time...yeah, it's scary out there.
It's also very easy to lose motivation when you have all your needs met by someone else.
I agree.

It's a loving gesture on their part to save that money in order to help you. I don't believe this is what they expected was going to be a part of their retirement years. It shows much love on their part to set aside their own needs/wants...
I don't want them to save the money, and the understanding was that I would be paying them money that they would spend. They lied. I am no longer paying them anything.
Circumstances are better than they could have been...you were not thrown out, were you? Rather you were expected to act as an adult, and make concrete moves to find your own way. Realistic, jmo
The circumstances are always good when you find out you don't have a tumour after all. However what made me mad was the lying.
Being upset is understandable. Your name calling is not...
It might be a good idea for you and your parents to have that talk, listen to their expectations of you while living in their home, and you asking for some leeway in pursing employment.
Leeway...not an indefinite amount of time.
Leeway is what I was after. To be honest I only give as good as I get.

It's always complicated in a situation like this one.
Your parents have as much right to their feelings as you do yours--respect those feelings. You are not owed anything by them. You do owe them respect, though.
Again, I am fairly respectful and don't interfere with anybody.

A good life awaits you...a sense of satisfaction and pride that you are independent and can live the way you want, and that is just the beginning of standing on your own two legs, doubling your self respect, and discovering what makes you happy.
I hope so.


Thanks for your input.
  #9  
Old May 31, 2009, 03:54 AM
BiscuitTin BiscuitTin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eskielover View Post
When baby birds get are old enough, they get their feathers & their wings start to work.....The parents KICK THEM OUT of the nest. There comes a time in everyone's life whenif then don't seem to be willing to become independent & don't have the motivation inside of themselves to do what it takes to be independent, then the ones who they are dependent on are doing them the best favor of pushing them out of the nest.

It is important to be independent & self reliant......that is really what life is all about.....even when we get married, if we don't go into the marriage feeling the confidence that independence & self reliance gives us, we can end up failing the marriage miserably also.

I'm thinking you parents are doing very best thing for you by getting you out of the house...sounds to me like they at first thought you would motivate yourself to get out & get a job & start to become independent & then they found out that wasn't happening & they needed to take action to force you since you weren't doing it on your own.

Sometimes we get into ruts & we can't get out unless we get kicked out......it is sad when we can't do it ourselves & then we end up blaming the people who were trying to be kind enough to give us a chance to show how mature & independent for doing what we should have done for ourselves.

You will do just find on your own....you will find out how wonderful it feels to take care of yourself...have your own home to be responsible for & proud of.....a place to call your own...not your parents. I know there is a fear of not being able to handle being alone...after 33 years of being married & then leaving it....I was wondering if I could manage & handle everything myself.....then we surprise ourselves & find out just how happy & exciting life really is.

I am sure you will do great & everything will turn out great for you. Don't be mad at your parents for having to motivate you when you weren't able to motivate yourself....I am sure they feel they gave you enough time....& not it's time for you to FLY.....SOAR into your own life.....think of yourself as the eagle who is just taking off from it's parent nest & starting life on it's own with all the excitement, challenges, & wonderful times ahead.

Go get em.....you can do it
Debbie
I don't mind getting a push to move out of home, I just don't appreciate being lied to, or having the story changed every 5 minutes. I have no doubt it's a means of control. She asks me for money that she's 'given' me every now and again.

I hate my mother with every fibre of my being. I only wish I had children so I could deny her access to her grandchildren.

And don't think she's not a bully. I have social phobia and i wasn't very good at socialising.When I was younger she would hide out of sight and mouth obscenities at me to 'make me' socialise with people. She hit me until I was in my mid to late 20s and I started hitting back. Then she stopped.

I was bullied at work in 2004 and now apparently that's my fault. I lost 40 kg and was cutting during that time. Or how about my health anxiety? Apparently I'm making that up to go into an early retirement. Apparently I look up diseases so I can have an excuse not to work. I thought I was dying of motor neurone disease for 7 months last year.

She is an interfering, meddling, callous cow.
  #10  
Old May 31, 2009, 06:06 AM
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ECHOES ECHOES is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BiscuitTin View Post
I don't enjoy being hit and screamed at when I'm paying 100 dollars a week as a living allowance. I was being hit and screamed at for sleeping in until 10 in the morning.

On one hand they enforce the rules like a landlord would, and on the other they act differently to a landlord by getting involved in my life and shouting at me for sleeping in, etc.

The solution for me is to stop paying board altogether. I don't pay for the privilege of being spat upon in the morning.

My son said the same things.
Independence frightenend him and he resisted it in many ways.
Becoming independent was new territory, new experiences, a lot of unknown. So frightening that he could not consider it so he shut down all thought about it.
But he deserved to experience independence and the growth and increased self-worth that comes with being self-sufficient.
I am not going to be around forever. Thoughts of my suddenly not being here and him having to cope with that *and* being independent at the same time... frightened me, for him. That would be so much to have to deal with at one time.. what would happen to him...

Now that he's living independently he's experiencing all the things that come with it. He enjoys work, a hobby that's important to him, some social life, and I imagine he enjoys not having me nudging him in the many ways I tried to nudge him toward a life of his own.

Sometimes opportunity comes to us disguised as something else.
Thanks for this!
Catherine2, Shangrala
  #11  
Old May 31, 2009, 06:23 AM
BiscuitTin BiscuitTin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ECHOES View Post
My son said the same things.
Independence frightenend him and he resisted it in many ways.
Becoming independent was new territory, new experiences, a lot of unknown. So frightening that he could not consider it so he shut down all thought about it.
But he deserved to experience independence and the growth and increased self-worth that comes with being self-sufficient.
I am not going to be around forever. Thoughts of my suddenly not being here and him having to cope with that *and* being independent at the same time... frightened me, for him. That would be so much to have to deal with at one time.. what would happen to him...

Now that he's living independently he's experiencing all the things that come with it. He enjoys work, a hobby that's important to him, some social life, and I imagine he enjoys not having me nudging him in the many ways I tried to nudge him toward a life of his own.

Sometimes opportunity comes to us disguised as something else.
I don't think I'm resisting independence.

My beef is just with the uncertainty that I am being kept in, not knowing what is happening with my money, etc. I was being told a different story every time.

And I also took 20 dollars off my board payments for the time she created a drama because I did not get out of bed before 10:30. I feel that is fair because I am paying for a room in the house and not for being yelled at. She did not accept my deductions, and instead decided to add 20 dollars to the payments. I refused to pay. And again another example of her inconsistency; changing the payment amounts at a whim.

Just like a mushroom I am being kept in the dark and fed ********. I wrote her a formal letter asking for a written statement on what monies she has kept and if/when she has decided to put them into my account. I don't expect or demand any of the money, I just want to know what my financial situation is.
  #12  
Old May 31, 2009, 06:28 AM
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ECHOES ECHOES is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BiscuitTin View Post
I don't think I'm resisting independence.

My beef is just with the uncertainty that I am being kept in, not knowing what is happening with my money, etc. I was being told a different story every time.

And I also took 20 dollars off my board payments for the time she created a drama because I did not get out of bed before 10:30. I feel that is fair because I am paying for a room in the house and not for being yelled at. She did not accept my deductions, and instead decided to add 20 dollars to the payments. I refused to pay. And again another example of her inconsistency; changing the payment amounts at a whim.

Just like a mushroom I am being kept in the dark and fed ********. I wrote her a formal letter asking for a written statement on what monies she has kept and if/when she has decided to put them into my account. I don't expect or demand any of the money, I just want to know what my financial situation is.
And so now you'll be moving away from being kept in the dark....freedom!
Thanks for this!
Catherine2
  #13  
Old May 31, 2009, 06:36 AM
BiscuitTin BiscuitTin is offline
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Originally Posted by ECHOES View Post
And so now you'll be moving away from being kept in the dark....freedom!
I agree.

So why am I accused of trying to dodge paying board and things like that? I wasn't the one who created the problem. I stuck to my end of the agreement, every fortnight, except I forgot to pay the week when I was worried about having a tumour. But even then I offered to make the payments. They just **** me to tears.
  #14  
Old May 31, 2009, 08:39 AM
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Shangrala Shangrala is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BiscuitTin View Post
I agree.

So why am I accused of trying to dodge paying board and things like that? I wasn't the one who created the problem. I stuck to my end of the agreement, every fortnight, except I forgot to pay the week when I was worried about having a tumour. But even then I offered to make the payments. They just **** me to tears.

It seems apparent that you feel you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
You seem to be suffereing from some deep issues that perhaps seeking counselling may provide answers for, (I do not recall you mentioning that you are seeking support. If you are and have mentioned it, I apologize for my oversight).

You also seem to be at a point where you have to make a choice, which neither are very appealing to you, (though I could be wrong as, of course, I am not in your position..this is merely observations from info you have provided).

You've stated that you are not resisting independance, yet sounds like you are using many of these issues of yours as a means of avoidance. And granted, you do not have the best of relationships with your mother. However, just from your one statement alone :
I hate my mother with every fibre of my being.
It seems to me that that alone would provide you the incentive TO obtain your independance. But since it seems it is not, YOU are choosing to remain there. This is your choice, regardless of the circumstances. She is not forcing you to remain there.

You HAVE a choice. You apparently have decided to remain living in your parent's residence. Be thankful that you have that as MANY parents would have booted their adult children out. I was kicked out at 15, and had to learn the hard way what it is really like out "there". I didn't have much of a choice. And although my experience is far different from yours, I cannot help but to reflect on the comparison of the inital fact of the oppportunity of "choice".
Be grateful that you have that. And begin to see the fortune you do have.

You can choose to remain there, however, you should not even remotely hold your parents responsible for your present misery, (granted they may have influenced HOW you are now..yet it is not their responsibility for WHO you decide to be).

If you do not like your present surroundings, which you have clarified is the case, then change it. I know I sound harsh, and make it all sound so simply 'cut n dry', which I understand is not the case for you do to your social issues, but the fact remains that you still have choice.
Create your own reality consciously. BE the change you want to see happen, instead of living as though you have no choice. Just try to be thankful you have that choice.

I understand all about issues and inhabitions as I'm fighting my own as well, (it's just what you receive as a misfortune I can't help but to see as great fortune...that's all).

Nuff said. I apologize for sounding so brass...not my intentions.

Shangrala
Thanks for this!
Catherine2
  #15  
Old Jun 01, 2009, 07:09 AM
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MisanthropicOne MisanthropicOne is offline
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[quote=BiscuitTin;1034938]I don't think I'm resisting independence.

My beef is just with the uncertainty that I am being kept in, not knowing what is happening with my money, etc. I was being told a different story every time.

Being kept in? You have the freedom to spend every waking moment seeking employment and/or assistance enabling you to support yourself. I have an issue with the "my money" statement. The moment the money passed from your hand it ceased to be yours.


And I also took 20 dollars off my board payments for the time she created a drama because I did not get out of bed before 10:30. I feel that is fair because I am paying for a room in the house and not for being yelled at. She did not accept my deductions, and instead decided to add 20 dollars to the payments. I refused to pay. And again another example of her inconsistency; changing the payment amounts at a whim.

Seriously examine what you've said here. You are falling into a pattern of mimicking the very behavior you dislike. You complain about inconsistency yet isn't that what you displayed by choosing to 'deduct' from the amount normally payed.. 'on a whim'.

Just like a mushroom I am being kept in the dark and fed ********. I wrote her a formal letter asking for a written statement on what monies she has kept and if/when she has decided to put them into my account. I don't expect or demand any of the money, I just want to know what my financial situation is.

You have the freedom to open your eyes, to open the door and step through it into the light. Whatever your parents decide to do with the money paid to them as rent is entirely their decision. You know what your financial situation is. You know how much money you bring in and what you pay out. Just adhere to whatever budget you've set for yourself. Any money they set aside for you is irrelevant in terms of your budget. (you could always use the disputed money to buy them a nice Christmas gift later on. If you want it to go to them there are ways.)

I'm not attempting to sound harsh or unsympathetic nor do I want to. I myself am 31 and am living in less than ideal conditions. What I am getting at here is that there has to be a certain amount of accountability on your part.

Thanks for this!
Catherine2, Shangrala
  #16  
Old Jun 01, 2009, 06:22 PM
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Elysium Elysium is offline
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You're 25 yrs old!! YOU should know what your financial situation is. At 25 years old, it is NOT your parents responsibility to manage and keep track of your finances.

That money no longer belongs to you. It is not yours anymore. It is what you payed to them to rent your room and live in their home. What they choose to do with it is up to them.

Personally, if my parents put aside my rent to save it for me later, I would have been quite thankful.

I lived with my parents until I was 22yrs old. We struck a deal that as long as I worked enough to pay my personal bills (credit cards, car, gas, insurance) and I went to school part time that I could live with them and they wouldn't charge me rent, but I had a 5 year window. A very generous offer on their part which I took them up on. However, at 22 I bought a house...I had a mortgage was working full-time and going to school full-time. I was responsible for me....no one else.

I know every family situation is different....maybe you're a late bloomer, I don't know...I don't know you, but it seems you are becoming TO comfortable with not having to take responsibility for yourself.

I think it's time for you to put on your big boy underwear and man-up!!

I'm sorry if that offended you, but I have a low tolerance for people who take advantage of others.
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I guess i'm moving out of home . . .
Thanks for this!
Catherine2, Shangrala
  #17  
Old Jun 01, 2009, 09:17 PM
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Shangrala Shangrala is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Elysium3006 View Post
You're 25 yrs old!! YOU should know what your financial situation is. At 25 years old, it is NOT your parents responsibility to manage and keep track of your finances.

That money no longer belongs to you. It is not yours anymore. It is what you payed to them to rent your room and live in their home. What they choose to do with it is up to them.

Personally, if my parents put aside my rent to save it for me later, I would have been quite thankful.

I lived with my parents until I was 22yrs old. We struck a deal that as long as I worked enough to pay my personal bills (credit cards, car, gas, insurance) and I went to school part time that I could live with them and they wouldn't charge me rent, but I had a 5 year window. A very generous offer on their part which I took them up on. However, at 22 I bought a house...I had a mortgage was working full-time and going to school full-time. I was responsible for me....no one else.

I know every family situation is different....maybe you're a late bloomer, I don't know...I don't know you, but it seems you are becoming TO comfortable with not having to take responsibility for yourself.

I think it's time for you to put on your big boy underwear and man-up!!

I'm sorry if that offended you, but I have a low tolerance for people who take advantage of others.
Just for the record..OP states age is 31....

I have a sister who's son has recently turned 30, and for the life of her, she cannot get my nephew to move out. To make matters worse, her hubs is now carrying his financial issues (buying his way back into nephew's life as a result of ignoring nephew's childhood). My sister's now bout ready to move away from the both of them to get the peace she has worked her life for.

Sad how any adult child can hold their parents responsible for the way their life is at present. And to add insult to injury, they are remaining at their parent's home and continue to blame parents for thier problems...
Meanwhile the parents of these able adults are still struggling to endure a life with a child who has had endless opportunities and has every capability TO move out long ago.
I will never understand that.

Shangrala
Thanks for this!
Catherine2
  #18  
Old Jun 01, 2009, 10:54 PM
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Elysium Elysium is offline
Where the HELL are we?
 
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Oi.....I'm confused!!!

Biscuit.....are you 31, as you said in the beginning of this thread, or are you 25, as it says on your profile. I went by your profile age.

Regardless....it doesn't all that much matter. But if you ARE 31, I think it's REALLY time to leave the nest and get on with things.
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I guess i'm moving out of home . . .
  #19  
Old Jun 01, 2009, 11:09 PM
BiscuitTin BiscuitTin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Elysium3006 View Post
You're 25 yrs old!! YOU should know what your financial situation is. At 25 years old, it is NOT your parents responsibility to manage and keep track of your finances.


That's exactly my point . . .

  #20  
Old Jun 01, 2009, 11:13 PM
BiscuitTin BiscuitTin is offline
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[quote=MisanthropicOne;1035917]Being kept in? You have the freedom to spend every waking moment seeking employment and/or assistance enabling you to support yourself. I have an issue with the "my money" statement. The moment the money passed from your hand it ceased to be yours.

I obviously didn't explain myself too well.

I wasn't concerned about the money that I pay as 'rent' . . . In fact I insisted that it was their money, whereas they insisted they were keeping it for me.

Seriously examine what you've said here. You are falling into a pattern of mimicking the very behavior you dislike. You complain about inconsistency yet isn't that what you displayed by choosing to 'deduct' from the amount normally payed.. 'on a whim'.

Well, I am mimicking that behaviour of inconsistency, no problems there. However I was very consistent before they became inconsistent.
  #21  
Old Jun 01, 2009, 11:51 PM
Ztrauq Ztrauq is offline
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Biscuittin,

wanted to say somthing.

First of all i know what it feels like when you think people is taking the power away from you. Even if they care, even if it is for your own good they are taking it away from you and that feeling is the worst s*** you have to deal with. This happened to me at hospital and therapy. I was forced into it. All they wanted was to make it safe for me but it made so angry they chose for me and 'hid' things from me. aaghh.. it got me so angry, mad, frustrated... i know what it is like. But it is true that sometimes we have issues, we are unable to see the whole picture and people around us worry. In my case, they were docs, it was their job, in your case they are your parents and they worry because they love you. They are not profesionals theres no manual to be a parent but-from what you've said- i get they love you it's just that they don't know what to do to help you. Your family must be scared and lost and just trying the best they can. I don't know what your situ is, i don't know if they caused your issues in the first place, but it looks like they truly care... and No matter how hard you yell or hit, they'll always love you.

I ran away from home when i was 13 yo and have been on my own ever since. 'Home' was hell. Real hell. they did all kind of horrid stuff to me and now my life is all f*** up thanks to them. I really envy you ... don't close the eyes to the wonderful blessing of a family who cares, please.

good luck with your new found independence. i hope you can work on your problems and eventually try to get along with your folks.
  #22  
Old Jun 02, 2009, 12:03 AM
BiscuitTin BiscuitTin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ztrauq View Post
Biscuittin,

wanted to say somthing.

First of all i know what it feels like when you think people is taking the power away from you. Even if they care, even if it is for your own good they are taking it away from you and that feeling is the worst s*** you have to deal with. This happened to me at hospital and therapy. I was forced into it. All they wanted was to make it safe for me but it made so angry they chose for me and 'hid' things from me. aaghh.. it got me so angry, mad, frustrated... i know what it is like. But it is true that sometimes we have issues, we are unable to see the whole picture and people around us worry. In my case, they were docs, it was their job, in your case they are your parents and they worry because they love you. They are not profesionals theres no manual to be a parent but-from what you've said- i get they love you it's just that they don't know what to do to help you. Your family must be scared and lost and just trying the best they can. I don't know what your situ is, i don't know if they caused your issues in the first place, but it looks like they truly care... and No matter how hard you yell or hit, they'll always love you.

I ran away from home when i was 13 yo and have been on my own ever since. 'Home' was hell. Real hell. they did all kind of horrid stuff to me and now my life is all f*** up thanks to them. I really envy you ... don't close the eyes to the wonderful blessing of a family who cares, please.

good luck with your new found independence. i hope you can work on your problems and eventually try to get along with your folks.

Thanks for your support, Z.

It seems at this time that most of PC is quick to judge and/or are misunderstanding what I am saying.

I'm certainly not proud of the way I acted last night, but having said that, it was probably overdue.

My father? Yes I hit him, but here's a man who drove my mum to attempted suicide a few years back.

So you can see why I'm not too worried about him. It's just my nephews I am concerned about.
  #23  
Old Jun 02, 2009, 12:25 AM
Ztrauq Ztrauq is offline
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Member Since: May 2009
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BiscuitTin View Post
Thanks for your support, Z.

It seems at this time that most of PC is quick to judge and/or are misunderstanding what I am saying.

I'm certainly not proud of the way I acted last night, but having said that, it was probably overdue.

My father? Yes I hit him, but here's a man who drove my mum to attempted suicide a few years back.

So you can see why I'm not too worried about him. It's just my nephews I am concerned about.

I'm sorry you have such strong bad feelings towards your father. Dont let this sick circle kick in again yeah, especially with your nephews. nothin worst that growing up with violence around
  #24  
Old Jun 02, 2009, 01:06 AM
BiscuitTin BiscuitTin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ztrauq View Post
I'm sorry you have such strong bad feelings towards your father. Dont let this sick circle kick in again yeah, especially with your nephews. nothin worst that growing up with violence around
I don't think it will continue, especially since i'm not living there anymore, and also because it's uncharacteristic of me.
  #25  
Old Jun 02, 2009, 01:26 AM
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Catherine2 Catherine2 is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2009
Location: In The Moon Shine
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BiscuitTin View Post
Thanks for your support, Z.

It seems at this time that most of PC is quick to judge and/or are misunderstanding what I am saying.

I'm certainly not proud of the way I acted last night, but having said that, it was probably overdue.

My father? Yes I hit him, but here's a man who drove my mum to attempted suicide a few years back.

So you can see why I'm not too worried about him. It's just my nephews I am concerned about.
You have more support here at PC than you are aware of...

Many of us have been in horrific situations and had to work our way out of them.
This is another terribly sad and convoluted situation, and it's going to take a long time for any truce to happen...backing off and taking stock of all of this is good; especially with the help of your pdoc and T.
Between the three of you, you can move beyond it. Give a thought to printing out all the posts&replies from both threads and sharing them with one or the other or with both.

It may be of help to them to have this insight, therefore it would be beneficial to you. Concentrating on you is their job...

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The Most Dangerous Enemy Is The One In Your Head Telling You What You Do and Don't Deserve...
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Shangrala
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