A lot of little things adding up.

Dealing with gambling took me a few years, but I haven't placed a bet since April '07. Still going to G.A. meetings. I'm trying to get a handle on why I used it for a crutch in the first place now. I'm posting here because I'm not sure where I fit in.

I have been a loner for as long as I can remember and have never been that comfortable dealing with people. I can cope to a degree as long as there is some space around me and I have enough time to analyze what just happened. If anyone gets closer than arms-length I get uncomfortable. If that person is a woman, especially if I like her, I damn near freeze. That freeze is making me leery of gambling morphing into alcohol dependence as every once in awhile, if I'm thoroughly lubed, I can actually have decent conversations in mixed company. Being able to do that is seductive to me.

Some of the symptoms I see in Asperger's seem to fit, but not all. The same is true of AvDP. I have some low-grade depression, also for as long as I can remember. I still feel guilty about my mother's death 5 years later.

It doesn't seem like I have major problems, just a bucket-full of minor ones. They add up, though, when your major coping strategy is to try to suck it up and bury your feelings. More and more often I'm saying or doing small things that, upon reflection, had to be annoying to people around me. It feels like the stuff I'm trying to bury is coming out to play anyway.

I don't want to stop going out since isolation seems to make things worse internally. On the other hand, why be an annoyance? Other people have a right to be comfortable and relax.

I'm not looking for a cure, just better ways of coping. At some point I'll have enough money to see a therapist (no insurance.) Until then, I could use some advice because what I'm doing isn't working. Thank you.

Hello ratanddragon.
Have you tried keeping a journal where you can write about your feelings, before I started therapy writing in my journal really helped me through some tough times. Burying emotions just isn't good for you and sometimes it helps to just let it out.
I am sending you some hugs.

Thanks. I'll try it and see what happens.

Hi R&D,
I think you are right in the end trying to stuff your feelings does not seem to work in the end. I liked your discription about about them comming out to play anyway !
yes I agree with writing them down that can help I have also found mindfullness a good way of trying to be more present in the here and now instead of worrying about the future or the past. "Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn" is a good book I also got it as an audio down load which was eaiser than reading it for me and the Mindful Way though Depression have been recomended and that comes with a CD of guided meditation.......it does take time and quite a lot of practice, a new way of life I think.
Hope this helps a bit.
Take care
Snow

When I read your post you sounded like the male version of me.

I could relate to a lot of what you said. I freeze when I am in social situations when I am attracted to a male person. I get a fumbly and say stupid things unless I have had a few drinks in me then I think I am charming.

I isolate a lot but know I shouldn't but it is easier because I just don't know what to do when I am around people.

If you ever need to talk I am here feel free to PM me.

Jan

Being aware of your possible dependency is already a step in the right direction. You 'just' need to work on your confidence. Start by making yourself say something nice to yourself in the mirror eveyday. Kinda a fake it til you feel it kinda thing.....~hugs~ The great people here will come up with some fantastic idea's I'm sure, that's just my 2 cents.......

Just caught you on the fly yesterday ( had a meeting.) I'm making an effort to be considerate and polite as these are areas I have been deficient in in the past and I thought a personal message would be more appropriate for decent advice. Thank you much.

Well, I so know and understand the seduction of actually being able to communicate comfortably. It doesn't happen quite often for me (except if i drink) but when it does, YAY! Isolation is not key to helping you feel comfortable about yourself or others, I know this because I often isolate and it actually harms me everytime. I'm in the middle of an isolation period and know that's one of my root causes of emotional collapse but I have this problem that I'm afraid to make myself uncomfortable, I'm afraid of the panic and the anxiety and the OCD traits that come with me. In truth though, I'm making myself uncomfortable but those around me aren't in the least bit uncomfortable to be around me. I doubt anyone is uncomfortable being around someone like you. You sound intelligent, you sound like someone I could carry on a fabulous conversation with. I'm wondering if you could make yourself do something? Try going out each day and talking with one person? About anything...
I also think that since you know what you're doing isn't working and you've reached out is a key first step...a very key one. As far as a lot of little things....again for me, I think it's easier for me to deal with one big crisis than a lot of little ones. To beable to concentrate one thing is wonderful for me but to have to accept and handle so many at one time stresses me out to the point of a meltdown.
Oh and congratulations! on not placing any bets!

Thanks Bats. A couple of things happened recently which prompted me to look. I've finally and completely accepted the fact that I'm the only common factor in every chapter of my life. Anyway, I've always gone out, but always to the emptiest part of each room. And that "freeze at the point of contact" thing I do is simply old.