Self-Sabotage - WHY?!

Not sure where to put this so I'm posting in General. It goes along a lot of areas I guess.

One of my biggest problems is self-sabotage. Whenever my life is going good, I f it all up. It's like I do it on purpose - but why? Why would I want to mess my own life up like that?

How do I STOP it?

Example - 2 years ago I lost a ton of weight on Weight Watchers. My life was going great. I got a new job, we moved to a new area, my marriage was going better, my daugther was growing up...my life was otherwise PERFECT. But then...I fell off the deep end and started binging and gave up on tracking my food. Gained back 30 pounds fast. Then a few months later I fell off the deep end depression-wise and did some things I'm not proud of that really ruined my marriage. That's what finally forced me to get help - I wasn't medicated/treated at all until last spring.

But why do I do these things to myself? Why do I screw up my own life?

Lately, it's food again. I'm really trying to lose weight, but all I do is gain it. I'm now heavier than I've ever been in my entire life -244 pounds. 2 pounds heavier than when I was 9 months pregnant, only now I'm not pregnant. And I hate being fat - but then I still eat! And avoid exercise!! WHY, why, why, why, why??? I don't understand myself. There have been a couple times recently when I got in the car and told my husband I was driving over to a nature trail to go for an hour long walk/hike. And I fully intended to go on that hike, I was dressed and ready for it. But did I go? No. I drove to a grocery store, bought a single-serve chocolate cake from the bakery and a pint of Ben & Jerry's and scarfed it all down in the parking lot, disposed of the evidence, sprayed Febreze in my car, chewed some gum, then went home and ate dinner with the family as if nothing ever happened. I disgust myself.

My psych nurse (does meds & therapy) has mentioned that it's self-sabotage....but she hasn't really told me how to STOP it yet. Maybe we'll get to it eventually, I don't know. Lately we're working a lot on my marriage, not on me. She sees me with my husband every 2 weeks, then me alone only once a month now. Maybe I should just schedule more appointments with me alone, even though she doesn't think I need them? I don't know. I feel needy to ask for more.

(((((Martina)))))

We can get caught up in terminology like self sabotage, you may just have a fear of success, like then there would be nothing left to strive for....more appointments with your psych nurse alone sound like a good idea...food is just plain yummy sometimes...I go to restaurants alone and eat sometimes myself....sometimes we make things more complicated than how simple they are, just a little more therapy for YOU 'cause you matter

Sometimes the self sabotage is a symptom of something going on with us emotionally. For example maybe the night you were going to go on a walk , your husband didn't respond in the manner you wanted, so you instead of dealing with the emotions ate because it is something you have control over. Unfortunately, until we get our underlying emotional baggage checked the self sabotage will continue. Hang in there and keep seeking help.

PSJ

Yes, sometimes it's a matter of stuffing your feelings down, or filling a void in your life, with things like food, even behavior.

Ask yourself if you are stuffing some unpleasant feelings or pains down inside someplace, and trying to ignore these feelings with behaviors that distract you from facing up to something?

Maybe there are some fears you have not dealt with, or some disappointments with where your life is going, or a sadness needing to be expressed...

You can start to write things out and bring this to your supportive nurse when you see her alone, and I do think that asking for more visits for yourself is just good self care and sense. I hope you do this.

The best to you, and I trust you will get through this. You are moving in the right direction.

Peace,
Nightbird

I tend to go through the same behaviours. So I would just like to tell you that I understand your feelings. It can be a very lonely place. I try to break my day into manageable little chunks and just deal with each little chunk at a time. If I can manage not to binge during one of my chunks of time, then I feel proud and it spurs me on to try a little longer. Eventually I can get through a whole day like this.
Sending you strength.