Anger issues, being a total ******

Frankz · Sep 05, 2009, 06:43 PM

I'm so upset.
I've been so mean to my mom and she just doesn't deserve it. She has enough going on in her life, non the less me being mean to her. I've been mean to anyone really. And just a simple thing, like something breaking or messing up can p!ss me off like that.

I don't know what to do. I can't get a therapist because for one, we don't have extra money around like that. I know that school has a part to do with it, I'm so nervous from being teased all my life I just don't think I can make it another year, then another four, THEN college. (I'm going to the 8th.) I'm so mad at the world, and I guess you can say I'm going through that "awkward stage" in my life, and I hate it. PMS, acne, and feeling ugly! It's just not fair!

I know that sometimes I can just be naturally mean, I've always had anger issues. But my sister being favored a bit more adds to it. It's not that my mom loves me any less..it's that my sister has always been the nice bubbly one, when I've been the evil loner. I don't like school, I don't like myself, and I hate that I'm being so mean to everyone else. I just need a way to let this out without it being on someone. I'm not gonna lie, you guys can hate me for this, but I've hit my sister, and I've yelled at my mom and got in her face. I don't like the fact that I do it, nor do my mom, grandad, or my sisters. But I can't help it, and more than half the stuff I say I've just blurted it out and never meant it, it came out of anger. The only person I think I've never yelled at is my rabbit, of all things.

I feel so icky about myself. Running away has crossed my mind, but I just couldn't put that type of pressure on my mom, she doesn't need it, nor does she deserve it.

Ugh, I'm just a bad person.

VickiesPath · Sep 05, 2009, 07:04 PM

((((((((((((((((((((Frankz))))))))))))))))))))))

Hmmmmmm. PMS, acne and being ugly is a stage? Wow, when is mine supposed to end??????

You are NOT a bad person. We all do bad things sometimes. But you are not a bad person even though you might do bad things. One thing you can hang on to......yes, maybe it is a phase you are going through. And maybe those people don't deserve the yelling and hitting and mean things said to them. However, this gives you the opportunity to learn how to make apologies. And to "atone" for your actions. That means, act kinder and try to be extra specially nice and understanding to make up for it. Surprise your mom and sister with something they like. Bake them a cake. Be creative. You know how they say that forgiveness is not for the perpetrator but for the victim of the crime? Well, atonement or restitution actually does you more good than the other people. Learning to sincerely apologize is a humbling thing. And it is a growing experience.

In my family of origin work, I realized that one of the things I resented about my mom is that I cannot ever, even once, remember her apologizing for anything. She never admitted she was wrong. Ever. Doesn't that sound weird? She didn't treat us kids well sometimes but she never apologized for it.

thunderbear · Sep 05, 2009, 07:12 PM

Hey Frankz

I really know what your are going through. I went through the same thing all through school. I got picked on for being overweight having glasses having braces and being poor. I also had that stage where I was mean to my mom and everyone else. But it get's better. I agree with Vickie. Do something nice for your mom and sister. Once when I was 14 I wrote my mom a poem to apologize for the way I acted. She carried it in her purse till the day she died. Things look bad now but dont let them get to you too much. You won't be a teenager forever (Thank God

)

(JD) · 07:36 PM

I don't think you are a bad person. I feel you are a person who needs adult help, and are dealing with feelings that a child/teen isn't equipped to handle.

You say there isn't money for help for you. Why do you say that? That is not your issue, that is for your parent to arrange. Do you think that they will "find a way" if they realized you are thinking the way your are thinking? Don't you think they would rather find a way to help you than to lose you? Of course they would.

You can't think like an adult yet. That's the way it should be, you aren't an adult. Please confide in an adult you can trust, and share your feelings and desperation.

You are totally worth this help. Quit comparing yourself to your sibling, that never works. Keep telling adults that you need help until you find one who listens.

Now, go apologize to your mom and give her a hug. You might find a way to tell her you need help with your feelings that burst out like that.

PS The fact that you haven't yelled at your rabbit means you do have control of your actions somewhat, eh? It's not easy, it's hard work, but you can do it.

Seabirdanne · Sep 05, 2009, 07:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Frankz

I'm so upset.
I've been so mean to my mom and she just doesn't deserve it. She has enough going on in her life, non the less me being mean to her. I've been mean to anyone really. And just a simple thing, like something breaking or messing up can p!ss me off like that.

I don't know what to do. I can't get a therapist because for one, we don't have extra money around like that. I know that school has a part to do with it, I'm so nervous from being teased all my life I just don't think I can make it another year, then another four, THEN college. (I'm going to the 8th.) I'm so mad at the world, and I guess you can say I'm going through that "awkward stage" in my life, and I hate it. PMS, acne, and feeling ugly! It's just not fair!

I know that sometimes I can just be naturally mean, I've always had anger issues. But my sister being favored a bit more adds to it. It's not that my mom loves me any less..it's that my sister has always been the nice bubbly one, when I've been the evil loner. I don't like school, I don't like myself, and I hate that I'm being so mean to everyone else. I just need a way to let this out without it being on someone. I'm not gonna lie, you guys can hate me for this, but I've hit my sister, and I've yelled at my mom and got in her face. I don't like the fact that I do it, nor do my mom, grandad, or my sisters. But I can't help it, and more than half the stuff I say I've just blurted it out and never meant it, it came out of anger. The only person I think I've never yelled at is my rabbit, of all things.

I feel so icky about myself. Running away has crossed my mind, but I just couldn't put that type of pressure on my mom, she doesn't need it, nor does she deserve it.

Ugh, I'm just a bad person.

Yikes, Frankz. I don't think you're a bad person. I think you're a very, very unhappy and confused person. You are so unhappy and confused that you are abusing others verbally and physically, and you must get help. If you have no money of your own, you must talk to a school counselor, who should be able to work with you and your mother to find you the help you need. I know it's a pain in the a--, but you obviously love your friends and family, and you need to learn how to control your anger so that you treat them better so that you don't inadvertently drive them away from you.

In the meantime, calm down and quit beating yourself up. You are not disgusting. You are not bad. You are certainly not evil. And the first step toward proving this to yourself and others might be to offer apologies to those you've hit or lashed out at lately. Maybe print out what you wrote and show it to them, and tell them what a hard time you're having. Speaking as one who got hit a lot by a sibling when I was young, you might have a hard time winning back the trust of the one you've hit. But offering an apology and beginning a dedicated effort to control your anger is a first step.

Relax. Take deep breaths. Enjoy the rest of your long weekend.

googley · Sep 05, 2009, 09:09 PM

I don't think you are a bad person either!

I remember that school was tough. Could you talk to your mom about how you are feeling? Even if your finances (which you shouldn't have to worry about) are tight, there are other ways for you to be able to get the help you need. It is your parent's responsibility to find you help. Just so you don't think I'm lying, some therapists see people with what is called a sliding scale. That is what I do. You might be able to go to a low cost clinic, or your school might have a counselor you can talk to. Talk to your mom. She sounds like she cares about you. If your mom needs help finding resources for you suggest that she talk to your guidance counselor at school or your doctor. They should have the ability to point her in the right direction to find you help, they should know the resources that are around where you live and be able to help. I believe that your mom would rather help you than not know you are having problems. That's how they are.

AAAAA · Sep 05, 2009, 11:17 PM

(((Frankz))) I’m so sorry, this is such a difficult age! You have all those hormones your mind and body are not yet used of, emotions out of control and the only thing you can do is lash out at those people you know will love you no matter what.

Take this as an opportunity to talk with your mother about your feelings. What really worked well with my own son was examining exactly what happened. The goal here isn’t to assign blame, which really doesn’t matter. It’s to try to pinpoint where things went from orange to red mode and what HE could do next time to head it off next time before it got to the red zone. Talk to your mother and set up a plan of action. For example if you’re having a bad day and mom asks you why you didn’t _______ and this would normally lead to an argument. Agree that you’ll go to your room or take a walk until you’re able to discuss this rationally. Let her know you’re not trying to use these tools to avoid discipline or be disrespectful you’re just trying to learn to cope with your emotions.

My own son did this a great deal when he began to work on his anger issues. When he came back in the room after his cool off period, he would apologize for his behavior and let us know what was really bothering him. He’s gotten to the point now that he doesn’t have to leave to calm down, he now has the ability to decide whether to control his anger or let his anger control him. Now don’t get me wrong he still gets angry from time to time, but we haven’t experience that point where he’s so frustrated and angry that he’s lashing out just to make everyone as angry as he is.

Sannah · Sep 07, 2009, 09:39 AM

Hi Franz, about the bullying, you might want to check out the website www.bullies2buddies.com. Here you will learn how to deal with bullies. It really works! Keep us posted on how you are doing...........

Locust · Sep 08, 2009, 05:43 PM

Frankz,

I know the feeling. I have been pretty mean to my mom in the past. I still can be, but it was more frequent and worse in the past. And my mother was always a good mom and still is. I was also mean to others, particularly people I love.

You said, "And just a simple thing, like something breaking or messing up can p!ss me off like that." I can relate to that, too. Sometimes, I suppose this can be because we are more prone to anger or being frustrated, period, but sometimes it's not so much about the little things or even an innate tendancy towards anger as it has to do with a bigger issue. I know when big issues are bothering me, the little things drive me nuts! It's a lot more difficult to tolerate even small things when we have bigger issues hurting us, scaring us, or making us mad. You seem to have figured this out for yourself, though, because you said you think you know what part of the problem is- being teased at school. It's good that you realize the source. In the past, I've done this without realizing the big source or trigger. I disconnected my pain from the source and thought it didn't bother me at all. Realizing where the prob. is coming from is a big step and very insightful of you.

I know some people get teased way more than others in school, but almost everyone does get teased for some reason. I know that doesn't make it okay and it doesn't make it any easier for you, but I wanted to point it out because when you realize that almost everyone is getting teased to some degree....it can make it easier to realize, it's not because there is something wrong with you. It's because some people feel the need to belittle other people.....often to make themselves feel better because they are insecure about themselves. It's not because you are somehow less than everyone else. While no one should ever be teased, and it is not okay, sometimes teasing and bullying are excessive and it can be pretty traumatic and harmful to the person enduring the teasing. If you feel it is too much, tell someone. I know it's hard, but you deserve protection. Tell the school counselor, authority figures at school, or your mom.

Acne sucks, but I bet almost everyone your age has it or is about to get some of it. As much as we all hate it, it's a natural part of leaving childhood and it doesn't mean you are gross, or ugly, or nasty, or inferior. It means your body is growing into adulthood the way it's supposed to. If you can go to the dermatologist, they can help you keep it in check.

You said, "I know that sometimes I can just be naturally mean, I've always had anger issues." Yeah, me, too, but big stressors (like you said yours was being teased at school) def. made me a lot worse. For some reason, my anger has went down somewhat over the years, but it can still be an issue for me. I still need help. I didn't get help earlier, but I know I need to do something about this before it hurts me and everyone else even more. Please get help now before more damage is done. You can be helped.

I am sorry you feel your sister is favored over you. You say it adds to your anger, but you say the reason she is favored is because she is nice and you are "evil". So, if your anger is in part because of your sister being favored, but your anger is what is causing her to be favored (if she is- because it could just be your perception of things) then you have a vicious circle going. And your sis being "favored" can't be said to be the root cause of this....because apparently your anger came first, and this is only adding to it. But you said yourself, your mom loves you both the same. That is great. I doubt she really favors your sis. She prob. just favors nice behavior to angry behavior. That's not the same as favoring a whole person over another whole person.

I, too, have called myself "evil".....but here's the thing I've discovered.... although I don't want to excuse my bad behavior, although I don't want to label it good, although I NEED to see it for what it is- BAD behavior- I also need to see myself as NOT being a bad person. When I think of myself as bad and evil and unchangeable, I have noticed, it honestly becomes harder to change. I lock myself into being mean and behaving like a bad person when I decide that is my inescapable nature. When I decide I am good, I tend to act MUCH better and change can come more easily. I know it's hard to do.....but you need to realize, having anger issues doesn't make you evil. It makes you a person with a problem. Truly evil people wouldn't care, and wouldn't want to change. You do care and you do want to change.

It's good you are admitting your problems. That is important to overcoming them. I have also yelled at my mom and gotten in her face..... I haven't hit my sister, but I'm not usually physically violent with others. But I am not judging you. You say you don't like the fact that you do these things, but claim you, "can't help it and more than half the stuff I say I've just blurted it out and never meant it, it came out of anger." When you blurt something out, it happens before you really think about it or get a chance to stop yourself, and when you are angry, sometimes you can go into autopilot almost or feel out of control. It's difficult to stop even when you want to. I'll admit that. I'll admit you can't help that you developed this problem, also. BUT if you say you can't help it at all......well, you're not only denying responsibility for your actions, but you're denying yourself hope of changing. You CAN change. You might need help to change, but it CAN be done. You can gain some more control over your angry outbursts. And it's better to do something now than later down the road after you have hurt yourself and others more and more, and can't take it back. You say you can't afford a therapist. Does your school have a counselor you might be able to talk to for free? Also, SOME therapists have sliding scale fees for patients who have a lower income. Check to see if such opportunities exist in your area.

You said, "The only person I think I've never yelled at is my rabbit, of all things." Well, that is important. That is great. And I am proud of you for that. Animals are such love aren't they?

You said you've considered running away- please don't. You'll hurt yourself and everyone else terribly. It won't solve anything. Good luck on getting better.