Yet another appointment... Here's what happened...

You'd think being told your heart, brain and ovaries are shrinking would seriously shock you into recovering as hard as you can... but a huge part of me still is tempted to just starve into oblivion, purge guts up, abuse lax's, exercise like hell, sigh. F*ked up, huh? She has said the ED is making the CFS worse, joy...

So, me and my psych and my mother, we all went to therapy, as usual... We were talking about my mother abusing me and drinking and me not knowing my mother without the bottle... she started to cry. Jeez. I didn't mean to make her cry. I had to reassure her it isn't her fault or anything. My psych was quite hands on about a lot of it. I was actually afraid she'd go on a drinking binge tonight... guess we'll see... we seem to be okay though, we're getting on... That's good... For now.

We were talking about my ED, and that having hardly any parents in the past and present(though she isn't aware I do have a father figure, but she's on about my biological sperm donor and my mother) and being abused etc is a big part of it, as well as the self harming and overdosing etc. This is probably very true... but my mum also suggested that it's because I had hardly any childhood... she's right too...
I've said I'll write another letter about all of this...

She was a bit upset about what I said in my letter this time, but we talked it out, and I guess I understand a bit more now.

We were talking about CFS and seeing the nurse, and re-integration to college, at my own pace, a pace that I can handle... which is good. She was firm about this to my mum. That's good. Now to catch up on an appointment up to see her and assess me for the CFS and talk about what's going to happen etc. Finally, something is getting done!

We were talking about that I have to eat more, that she has to keep on with it and keep demanding this of me, for me to be at least a bit healthier before I do therapy so I'll be able to handle it. I am eating more though... so yeah.

Before I left, I was weighed... I've lost more weight despite eating more... part of me is actually... happy... and relieved... because if I had gained, I'd be so angry and upset with myself... I'm trying so hard to recover, but I'm still in two minds about it...

I think I'm falling into a drug addiction... with my Tramadol... I'm still well within recommended dosage limits, but sometimes I'll take more than I usually do, which affects me quite a bit... Urgh. Stupidme.

Grieving is really ******. I hate grieving. It's painful. I want her back. I really want her back. I'm still thinking she's still there... still in her bed, asleep, or in her cage, wandering around, chewing on her cage bars... =( I keep having dreams too, it's hard... I feel bad.

So yeah. Just a tad of a mess...

Confused, frustrated, upset, mixed up, anxious, unsure, a bit lonely, quite a few things I feel quite a lot...

Anyway... I guess I'm done with this post now... Wrote too much methinks.

Adios, for now.

(((((((pup)))))

Re-integration into college at your own pace, one that you can handle, sounds wonderful

Don't try too hard to recover, it happends gracefully, from doing such things as you just did: writing it all out, reaching out..

I am reaching for you, too

You may not have had much of a childhood, but take a deep breath...this is the 1st day of the rest of your life, a life with PC and all its members supporting you, folks that have been there and recoveredit happens, yes slowly, but it happens......

No you didn't have to. . . until she owns up to her own issues, she won't heal enough to help you. Instead of her supporting you, you are using all your energy supporting her. But your support is more like enabling. You're enabling her to accept herself the way she is, that it's out of her control, not her fault etc. Looks like maybe? you've become the mother and she's the child?

Sorry, no, you haven't lost more weight in spite of eating more. That isn't possible (unless you aren't keeping what you eat.) I suspect you are only thinking you are eating more, telling yourself that lie. I'm sorry you are struggling like this.

How do you know you've eaten more, or less than before? IDK if they suggest you keep track of your food, but I think someone needs to...to be able to prove to you that you are not eating enough. It's a form of passive suicide, imo. Not-so-passive actually...just a slow, painful death.

I hope you can realize that you are punishing yourself for things you probably had no control of... and now that you are in a position to take control, rather than advocate for yourself, you continue the punishment. Keep trying to work with your T. Don't negate things she's said to your mom, or efforts she's making on your behalf.

Do your best.

Thank you.

It's been like that for a while now, I'm used to it... but yeah, I am a mother to my mother.

Yes I have, and it is possible to lose weight in spite of eating more, as your metabolism gets confused and can speed up, which in turn, causes more weight loss. It is very possible, and is common. I also tell my father how much I eat, and he knows I am eating more than I was, as well as my mother is aware I am eating a lot more than I was, and keeping it down. I know what I am on about... research it... it's very possible.


Because I count calories, and I track what I eat, and remember what I eat, and it is a lot more than before, and I keep it down... I am recovering, I am not still deep in my ED, I am actually recovering. I'd appreciate this to be known and taken note of, and if you could, research it for yourself as well as know my situation and what I am eating and how much I am eating before making assumptions like this...

I am recovering, so I'm still not punishing. And I reassure my mother that she is not at fault for my ED, or my self harm, or any of that, as that is why I thought she was crying... I didn't want her to go away blaming herself for things that are not her fault.


I am, and I intend to carry on doing so.

Thank you.

(((((Pup)))))

I'm sorry. I understand. It's better to grieve than not to grieve at all... maybe you can keep the memory alive just enough so that a piece of her is there in your heart. Corny sounding but yeah

Reading, caring, sending many hugs

No, it isn't a joy & you know it or you wouldn't be working on recovering from the ED. It is strange how when we get addicted to loosing weight (that is what it actually turns into), we don't want to stop loosing the weight & we get into the habits that it takes to loose the weight & that in itself is difficult to stop let alone eating enough for it to actually make a difference. But you are working on resisting the temptation. Remember, being tempted & acting on it are 2 different things.....just like your Mother & her drinking.....she is as responsible for stopping her drinking as you are stopping the actions that are part of your ED. I would say if you weren't resisting the temptations (at least most of the time) then you comment "F*ked up, huh?" would be appropriate, but you are working on not acting on your temptations, so you are not "F*ked up"

It is good that your mother started to cry.....she needs to take responsibility for her actions.....the thing is that IT IS HER FAULT. She choose to start drinking to escape the pain she was feeling instead of dealing with it just like you chose to get involved with your ED to deal with the pain you are feeling. Your mother has to take responsibility for her drinking & stop just like you have to take responsibility for your ED & stop. Sure, she may be an alcolholic, but that is an illness that requires the person to become responsible for themselves & stop drinking to keep themselves from dying. If your psych told your mother all the damage that was going on inside her body because of her drinking, you & your mother would have a lot to compare...for your mother is messing up herself inside in ways that can't be reversed, possibly even worse than what your ED is doing to you.
She is right about the reason for your ED.....most ED's start from some point other than just the body image thing. Much of the time it starts from feeling uncared about......don't think I have heard of many people dealing with an ED that haven't had an emotional problem that hasn't been the initial trigger, then comes the desire to loose more & more & the body image things takes over as more & more weight is lost, but mostly behind it all is just the desire to have someone care about us. Self harming & OD'ing are all cry out's from pain & the need for someone to care (been there myself on all counts except for the self-harm, but in a way, ED & OD's are a form of self harm).....your mothers suggestion that you didn't have any childhood is just a sugar coated way of saying that you didn't have parents & instead had abuse which it was impossible to have a childhood under those conditions. Your mother needs to define why you "had hardly any childhood" in order to get down to the real reasons.....which was probably that you didn't have parent there & you were abused.

Your psych or your mother was upset? If you only guess that you understand a bit more, maybe you need a little more clarification & should talk if out even more so you really do understand....it's ok to keep working on things you don't quite get & it's ok to admit that you need a little bit more information to understand better, rather than to just let it slide.

Glad your psych is firm about your going back to college at your own pace, a pace you an handle.....it's so important to get your education. Many times it's your only way out of where you have been. The need for independence & the only way to get that is to be self sufficient & be able to take care of yourself.....college is one of the best ways to get a career that provides a level of independence that is self supporting (there are other ways just depends on your talents)

It's a good feeling when you finally feel some accomplishment & on a path to getting some help & finally feeling that someone really does care.

The weight loss you experiences here even though you were eating a little more is usually due to stress (if you are anything like me). Stress causes me to loose weight even though I eat (it always has even before I was dealing with anorexia.....actually, my anorexia is always a result of stress or a reaction to a med (ups the metabolism & the weight just falls off). When I was in school around midterms & finals, I could eat a pan full of brownies, bags of potato chips, & pounds of M&M's, without purging, I would loose at least 5 - 10 pounds. It was a lot to loose when I didn't weigh much in the first place but stress really throws my metabolism into overdrive & burns off calories. Sounds like your body reacts in a similar way which is why your psych needs you to weigh more before going into the stressful level of therapy that would cause you to loose weight even if you were eating what is normal for a person. We can't afford to loose any extra when we don't weigh enough in the first place. It is wonderful that you have a psych that cares about you so much......she sounds very special even though it may be "tough love"

I think I'm falling into a drug addiction... with my Tramadol... I'm still well within recommended dosage limits, but sometimes I'll take more than I usually do, which affects me quite a bit... Urgh. Stupidme.
I have a pain specialist for my migraines....everything was tried for them & absolutely nothing helped as the migraines were 24/7 with absolutely no relief except when I would get a demoral shot in the ER.....so my pain specialist has me as his exception of prescribing a narcotic pain relief for my migraines.....he thinks it is probably because of the neck injury that the fusion didn't relieve the headache pain. My pain specialist in California & the one I have here in Kentucky both said the same thing about narcotics (which includes your narcotic-like tramadol (ultram))
All pain medication that is taken on a constant basis creates a dependence on it.....it is used to constantly keep the pain away & in doing so the body will go through withdrawal if the medication is stopped suddenly......that is the bodies physical dependence on the medication. Some places talk about dependence physical or psychological, happening after a tolerance builds up in the body, but anytime the body needs a medication to relieve the pain, there is a physical dependence. Psychological dependence has more to do with thinking that you need it when physically you may not really need the medication for the pain.....that is a whole other problem that has nothing to do with the actual medication itself.
Addiction is defined as chronic use of the medication depite negative consequences, for getting a good feeling out of the use, beyond the pain relief that the medication is prescribed for.
Tolerance is when there was a dose that was found to relieve the pain & becomes no longer effective in treating the pain & the body needs more of the medication to relieve the pain. Some bodies this happens to, some it doesn't. My pain specialist told me that when the right dose is found in the first place that handles the pain completely, tolerance is usually something that doesn't happen, but each body reacts differently.
Withdrawal will happen anytime a medication that the body has become used to having & is dependent on, is stopped suddenly. The effects from stopping tramadol suddenly can be anxiety, nausea, sweating, chills, tremors, diarrhea, hallucinations, trouble sleeping and breathing problems.

Hope this clears up some of the terminology relating to pain medications for you......I have been on the same large dose of narcotics since 2003.....we tried to lower the dose so it wasn't withdrawal & the migraines were right there waiting to happen. I have never built up a tolerance....the dose has constantly worked without having any migraine pain at all for those 6 1/2 years....however, my body definitely would go through withdrawal. When I had a problem getting my medication during the ice storm last winter, my Dr prescribed something to help just in case it took a long time to get the medication prescription problem resolved.....those are just the things that are necessary to deal with when there is a need for strong pain medication. When handled responsibly, there is no real problem (just make sure your mother doesn't start using your pain medication with her drinking)


I am so sorry for the loss of your little Babba. You were a wonderful caring mommie to your hammie. She was lucky to have you for her mommie & care giver. Grieving is the worst, but when there i love, there is grieving.....it shows how much you loved her. Your picture in your signature is a wonderful memory of her.....I am sure you will find a special way of honoring her memory & your love for her. Giving you a gentle to let you know how much I feel for the grief you are going through.

I know you will get through all of this even though it doesn't feel that way right now......it will happen.


Eskielover

Eskie, thank you so much for that very long helpful reply. I will reply to it when I have the energy and strength, been up for almost 19 hours so I'm gonna maybe doze off soon...
I WILL reply though... thank you again...

(((((((((((((pup)))))))))))))))))))))

Gee--I wish the Tramadol helped ease my constant back pain. Tried 2 muscles relaxants--no effect. Tramadol--no effect. Just had an epidural shot 5 days ago--doesn't seem to be working as after walking for 5 min. I am in excrustiating pain.

Also tried a patch that was supposed to help relieve pain, tens unit, also...

Physical therapy made it worse.

Apparently, I have 2 conditions (MRI & x-ray showed) that are not treatable so only trying to manage the pain is the option I have.

Tramadol doesn't seem to have ANY effect on me whatsoever...

I know everyojne is different, though, so if you feel you are abusing it you need to report it to doc. You have enough stuff going on without adding drug dependence, too.

Life can get very complicated, but we HAVE to sort it out...

^^ I know what that's like going back and forth with things to try and help what you're going through. I've gone back and forth, co dydramol, co codamol, tramadol, now tramadol combined with paracetamol and sometimes ibuprofen when I'm on my period if it happens.

I can't speak to my dr because he's very insensitive and unprofessional, I rarely go to him anymore. I've been doing well regarding taking more than I usually do to cope, I haven't done so in a few days now. Tramadol isn't very effective anymore, but I'm at a loss of what to do. I'm just waiting to see the CFS Nurse.