Just a rant about my life... Need to have someone else know...

Okay, just a warning for you, the brave reader- I can rant and ramble on. It will get long, and it might get whiney, and possibly even repetitive.

Okay, to start off with I guess I'll go back to when I started having issues with life in general... This May will mark the 3 year anniversary of my mom's death- The weird thing is I never got very sad about the whole thing until months afterwards and even then it came out more as like my own mental stuff. I worry that I'm a psychopath sometimes because I'm worried that everything I feel is fake...

I can remember a time when things like this wouldn't even bother me- Matter of fact I wouldn't have thought of them at all except for fleeting thoughts now and then. But now I worry about this kinda stuff all the time. I'm worried that I'm a narcissist as I'm writing this and sometimes I can convince myself that I am because the 'voice in my head', the usual one I mean that everyone has, changes to the thing I'm worried I am sometimes. I don't know because I don't feel that worried right now that makes me worried that I'm going crazy or something but I don't feel it and it's so ****ing... Argh it's just... I don't even know anymore it's weird and I don't like it.

I was in therapy for a few months from May 2009 to September 2009 and stopped going because me and the therapist agreed that I made enough progress to stop going... And I was fine for like 5 months, no troubles sleeping, no more than normal worries, etc... Then came the winter break... After the winter break I started worrying about not being able to sleep and then it somehow snowballed and now it's cluster****ed up again. I worry that I'm a narcissistic psychopath probably every other day, and I've probably got some kind of OCD or something, I don't know... I'm worried that I'm falling into the ways that I was in for the second half of 8th grade and the summer before this, my freshman year.

During those times I would stay up till 1 or 2 in the morning on a school night, listened to nothing but death metal and stuff which in itself might not be that bad in small doses but I was starting to get really wrapped up in it and stuff. During that summer I would regularly stay up until like 6 in the morning and then go to bed and I was doing all kinds of weird stuff like trying yoga, alternative sleeping methods, diets... And yeah, it was just weird for me. I used to talk to my friend Matt about stuff even when I was being really reclusive, we'd talk about things like building a human sized hamster cage, assassinations... ****ed up stuff... And I did that willingly but now I fall back into it unwillingly and I just don't know. I'm worried that I'll hurt someone even though when I was evaluated they said I wasn't a threat to myself or others, I still worry about it. I just it's like...

Sometimes I fall into vibes where I feel like a time I did before like during the times I was talking about and then I worry that I've fallen back into it and won't be able to get back out again- But it all sorta seems appealing to me for some reason and I don't know why. It's gotten to the point where I can't listen to certain music at certain times- Or any music after it gets dark, watch certain shows... And then I have to have a very 'similar' routine every night... To a certain degree the nights can vary but even tonight I feel 'off' and I feel worried and like I'm not myself or something... I know it shouldn't be this way but I really can't control it much... And I just don't know. Tonight, my dad, who had to go into work at 8am instead of 5am as usual got home at 4 because of the time shift, and then stuff was sorta okay for awhile... But then my dad, who has had a few beers, got frustrated about the fact that he couldn't find a sock, and that when he found one the dog has pissed on it, so he sorta took it out on the dog, not badly but it upset my sister, and there was a huge fight and through the whole thing I was sorta upset, angry, and like... It was weird, I felt like I was at a lack for anything at all, and it wasn't fun. Now everything's sorta leveled out but I'm still worried that I won't be able to sleep tonight because my routine has been broken- Though even when I worry about being able to sleep I usually can... I just don't know... I'm tired, I'm worried that I'm sick or something, I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight, I'm worried I'm a psychopath after watching House last night, I'm worried I'm a narcissist.

I just don't ****ing know anymore... It's all starting to get to me I guess. I should probably go into therapy but every time I think about bringing it up or something I feel like I'm flashing back to last year when I was royally screwed up so I can't do it or I'll have trouble sleeping... And I just- I just don't know I guess... Argh... I just really don't know... I'm worried but I'm confused at the same time... I don't ****ing know... It just makes me want to go 'alsdkjfoiwehjfoihwego;haweoihgioehdkbgofouhbvawoegh' as it were... I just don't know... I don't know... All I want to be is normal and I just... It's... I'm worried and not worried and... Argh... ****.

I guess I feel a little better after writing this- It kind of helps put things in order for me I guess... So if you read it too, thanks for that... I don't know though... Argh... I should probably go into therapy or something but I'm reluctant to because it reminds me of that bad time in my life... :/

I'm sorry about the language... But it's like... I don't like to use it actually, and I'd rather not use it at all... I don't really know why... It just makes me uncomfortable for some reason... But I've used a lot and I don't really feel like editing it all out... But I do at the same time... Story of my life haha.

You do ramble a wee bit, but most Arsenal supporters do!
Have you ever tryed sitting down and talking to your dad, when he sober? Maybe he needs to communicate just as, I think, you do.
Go buy the dog some socks, then he can pee all he wants and your sister and you can sleep

Instead of linking therapy to a bad time in your life, think of therapy as a tool that helped you get through the bad time.

Please start therapy again.

Hon, most folks I know who worry about being a psychopath or a narcissist aren't. Worrying about it is something that kind of counterindicates the diagnosis:-) That said, something is really making you anxious and that might be attaching itself to those thoughts. I would recommend getting in touch with a therapsit again, but not necessarily the one you had when things were so bad.
About your dad, I always tell my kids if they don't like what the critters do to their clothes, then they should put them where the critters can't get to them and express themselves. I have had cats get into and pee in my drawers, and no, its not good, but for crying out loud, they aren't that smart! Well, not that cats. The socks might be but I haven't asked. Try not to take it so personally when he goes off. I wouldn't recommend to your sister taking him on when he has had a few; it generally has no effect. Huggs. I wish things were going more smoothely for you, and I am really sory for your grief.

Ah... I'm just sort of updating now... It's hard for me to do... It makes me feel anxious when I go off my schedule haha...

Lately I've noticed that like... I- it's like this... I started writing this and I thought like 'what's the point' but now I'm more worried that I'm fighting myself to stay calm/sane... I don't know I must be a narcissist because the only reason I worry that I am one is because I want people to tell me I'm not... I worry that I'm not real sometimes or that this isn't reality and I worry about other things too and it's just gotten worse recently... I don't know what started it though because I was fine up until I had a winter break... I know that's when it started back up and I just don't know... At least somewhat kinda I don't know why though thinking about the break like knowing that it started it makes me calmer. I don't know why... Argh...

Thanks for posting. Now that others know, what is the plan?