[flora_poste]

I turned 26 in december and since I've been having a storm of epiphanies and resolutions. I guess because in my mind 26 is the age where I imagined that clock to start going off, and by golly I was right!

Tonight while hanging out with my housemate/friend and our mutual friend I realized that being around my housemate makes me feel anxious much of the time... and not because I have people issues. She's just so negative! Since I've been sober and a little more aware and sensitive I've been picking up on all the passive aggressive things she says and how most of our conversation is about ragging on other people... granted, it's almost always people who haven't been the most lovely characters, but sometimes she gets a little mean and catty and it's just negative energy. She was going on about our friend and making mean judgments about his relationship with his new wife. He's never been anything but a doll to us, especially considering he met us as fans (he's kind of a rockstar here on the east coast). He's been nothing but sweet and gracious. So I felt just dirty even letting her go on about it. I had to tell her I didn't feel it was right to talk about him that way when he's never wronged us and we should talk about something more positive. Later on in the evening I realized I'd had enough of her and excused myself... not in a huffy/anxious/annoyed context, mind you, but I just no longer felt like being social and wanted to retreat to my comfy bed. It's pretty awesome that I'm becoming more mindful of my feelings and what kind of energy I want to be around, and still accepting someone for who she is even if she wasn't making herself particularly pleasing tonight. Normally I'd let the feeling linger, I'd take her too personally and then I'd just be feeling even more negative than her!

I also realized that she and I are VERY similar in all the wrong ways. Except she's 12 years my senior and not quite as introspective, lets say. This has made me both understand her better and to see how I probably come off to other people. We got to talking and she told me in so many words that the things that bug her about me are exactly the same things that bug me about her. I also realized that I don't want to grow up to be her. I love her to death, she's a really great friend and is like family... but I really hope to be in a happier and fulfilled place. I don't want to keep focusing on flaws. I don't want to keep making the same mistakes over and over, and I want to be able to know how to let the right people close and to keep the rest at a happy safe distance without the negative context.

Even though I've still a ways to go, I'm still in the best mental health of my life. I'm starting to really be grateful for even my worst experiences because I always take something valuable from it. Falling in love with my best friend and him breaking my heart (inadvertently) inspired so much passion in me that I've been blessed with because it opened a Pandora's box of creativity, and it's even cooler because the people around me are taking notice. Because of this, I'm becoming so much more comfortable with my own voice, which makes me more comfortable with who I am, etc. Being satisfied with my own company has been the most liberating feeling. I love being around the people I love and I do crave companionship, but it isn't a gut-wrenching need anymore. I don't feel that desperation I used to feel. It is pretty freaking awesome, I gotta say.

I guess I'm feeling kinda blessed tonight.

[paddym22]

That is a really encouraging, motivating post on personal growth and development, and I too can take a lot from what you are saying. It seems like you are outgrowing your best friend and you are big enough and ready enough to make a go of it yourself now. This is exciting and it will lead to lots of new opportunities to meet new people who you can decide for yourself where the relationship will go. You have so much positive energy it is wonderful. Good for you.

Paddy

[sanityseeker]

That is totally freakin' awesome!! I am more than twice your age and have learned much about myself from reading your post. You have so nailed great wisdoms on the head. You go girl!! Thanks for sharing.

[lynn P.]

Good for you. Sounds like you're setting proper boundaries and you know your limits. Negative energy can bring you down. Keep up the good self discovery.

[flora_poste]

Thanks so much! I'm so glad I shared.

I don't know if I'd say I'm outgrowing my friend, I'm certainly learning to appreciate her more for who she is. She has her good days and bad days like anyone else, and I'm starting to see that she can't help a lot of her behaviors because she doesn't see them, just like me with my issues. And who knows, maybe I can be a good influence.

I'm starting to see that if I just give myself a moment to see things from a different perspective, things generally aren't so bad as they appear to be through the foggy lenses of self consciousness. I'm starting to see that I'm no more flawed than most people, I just take my insecurities way too close to heart.

Getting to know one of my housemate's friends better has been making me see this as well. I've always seen this girl as the coolest, prettiest, most together girl... she's got the best marriage, she fronts a really popular local band, she's a super successful graphic designer (if you've bought kids clothes at wal-mart, chances are they were of her design) and I've always had such a girl-crush on her. But getting to know her, I see that she has just as many problems and she has a lot of insecurities too. If this girl who I just think is the coolest ever can be insecure, then I must not be all that freakish myself. Only difference is, she has better coping skills.

Thanks for sharing, Flora.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~Anais Nin

[flora_poste]

Anais was a wise woman, indeed.

[amante]

You go girl, I am happy that you are feeling blessed today. Way to go.

[Renovation]

Your post is very inspirational, Flora, and hit home with me. I have been hanging out with a friend who, like me, is undergoing a challenging time financially. We have become close friends because we are the same age, have similar professional and personal backgrounds. We try to lift each other's spirits but I have to admit that it's getting old for us to keep complaining about the banks, government and health care system. We probably have ample reason to be upset but it tends to be a core part of most of our conversations. We fuel each other's flames so to speak. He is moving out of the area and I wish him the best. He is a very good man at heart but it will probably do us both some good to take a break from ranting. It really is important to surround yourself with positive people. PS is a great place for me to get stuff off my chest.

Good luck to you!

[flora_poste]

I'm glad I could inspire! Yeah, when we're down it's easy to develop that kind of relationship. I'm glad I found this site as well, cause it is a great place to vent without projecting too much negativity on those in your life.
Most of us are feeling the crap economy and the lack of health care, it's pretty easy to get depressed about it. It helps to see that there are always those of us who are way worse off and to try to surround yourself with as much positivity as possible.

Good luck, back! =]

[sanityseeker]

Must be something in the air.... positivity all over the place at PC. Its great to see. So encouraging. I too have become more observant of the energy that surrounds me. It is so easy to fall into criticizing things and people but it gets really old fast. Not to mention how draining it can be to get caught into that kind of thinking.

I have been really encouraged lately to look on the bright side of life and get out from my behind my protective walls. It has proved fruitful for me to keep a focus on the positive and let slide those things that are negative. After all life is too short to dwell on unpleasantness.

I noticed something the other day when I was talking to a friend who is always complaining about someone. In the past I would sometimes participate in the dising but then it started to wear on me so I would just sit quietly and listen until she ran out of things to say until she changed the subject. The other day I decided to call her on it, admiting I did it too and I suggested we didn't rag on anyone and avoided complaining about anyone or anything. As it happened after our visit she hugged me and thanking me for brightening her day. How cool was that hey.

[flora_poste]

Positivity breeds more positivity and negativity breeds more negativity. It's hard to get out those negative patterns when you are so used to thinking that way... but once you start feeling the fruits of your labor, it's just so awesome, isn't it?

[sanityseeker]

It sure is flora. Thanks for injecting some positivity. It is a feel good thing to share.