I want to be normal if that is possible.

I just want to feel normal once in my life. It seems that I am always trying to hide something or deal with my mental state.

When I was growing up, I hid the fact my sister and I were being molested at home by my father and grandfather (father and son). We were told by our grandmother if we didn't talk or think about it, we would be okay. WRONG. My sister and I both had to go into therapy and are thankful for a high school principal who helped us out. My mother divorced him (the grandfather had died) when we finally told what was going on. His family thinks we should put the past behind us and visit him. NOPE. Like my sister said, she has two daughters and she isn't putting them in any kind of danger. My husband says the man gives him the creeps and doesn't trust him period.

Now, I am dealing with OCD, panic disorder, phobias, and high blood pressure. I don't want people to know that I am having an panic attack or when my OCD is acting up, which here lately it seems to be all the time. My mind refuses to be at peace. I would love for once to not think of anything and be happy. My mind is constantly running different facts and information through it. Going to school is an outlet, but at age 43 my husband says if I go back to school again, it better be for a teaching degree so I can stay in school permanently. I am looking into teaching some classes for my company this fall.

Also, some of my medications make me sensitive to sunlight and that has given me a complex or rather a phobia. Doesn't matter what you call it, it still gives me anxiety. I love a cloudy day. It makes me feel good like a big comforter covering me. One of my mom's friends feels this way, too. She was glad to know she wasn't the only one.

I just needed to get this out of my system. I started having a bad day from the beginning. I had to go to a memorial service this morning for my receptionist. She fell asleep at the wheel. It was interesting what I could hear and see. She worked as a receptionist during the day and as a stripper at night. It was an interesting mixture of people at the service. I felt out of place. I ended up sitting in the funeral director's and his secretary's office during the service. (They are both personal friends of mine, so I was comfortable with them). You could hear them playing the music she performed to for most of the service. I have never been to one of those type of clubs and was actually kind of scared to see what was going on during the service. They had a video show of her life. One of the people I work with said it was actually tame, no embarrassing pictures.

Okay, I had more to get out of my system, please forgive me.

Faylowell
So sorry you are dealing with all this .
I was on a high blood pressure medication that made me sensitive to sunlight and also caused gout in my foot.
My doctor changed the medication and it works just fine.
Maybe talk to your doctor and see if there is an alternative medication that doesn't make you sensitive to the sunlight.
It seems like a small thing , but every little bit of anxiety relief helps.
Hope you feel better soon . Normal not quite sure what that is.

Thanks for the information. I didn't connect my blood pressure medication with the gout in my feet. It has been giving problems. Thought it was just something else to deal with.

faylowell, maybe this article will make some sense to you:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/1752

Thanks for the article. It does make sense. I appreciate it.

How are you doing, faylowell?

I am making it. Thanks for asking. Today was kind of a bad day. Ocd still acting up along with everything else. On the lighter side of things, when I was giving in to one of my compulsion, I made eye contact with a squirrel and it ended up being a stare down. I looked away first. It actually eased the tension in my body. I appreciate you checking on me.

Hope today is better, Donna.

Today was definitely better amazingly. My niece is in nursing school and since I am off on Mondays now, I volunteered to babysit her son on Mondays. It has been awhile since I kept a baby ( he is almost eight months old). I spent the day taking care of his needs and didn't have time to dwell on me. He is a happy baby thankfully. I am looking forward to next Monday, but I am looking for a playpen to corral him. He is fast on all fours. LOL. Thanks for your concern. I appreciate the emotional support.

Do not let the 'normal police' get at you...there is NO NORMAL, we are all individuals, some of us have had more to deal with/cope with than others, that is all. I know I have had my fair share of problems, but I am beginning to see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow I shall share my pot of gold with you, faylowell, we both shall overcome..

Glad the baby was therapeutic, Donna.

(((((faylowell)))))- I love cloudy days also---always loved to walk in the rain
I so miss four seasons.

Wow, that memorial service sounds like it was interesting!!!--I, too find it therapeutic to be around small children---last time I was really glad, anxiety free, panic attack free, depression free-- flashback free, was when I was taking care of my son's baby ( my grandson ) full time--------------it goes as it goes---the bond broken again.

Your thread reminds me of a poem I kept from years ago--don't know who the author is---

"Will there really be a morning?
is there such a thing as day?
can I see it from the
mountains if I were as tall as they?

Oh, some scholar,
Oh some sailor,
Oh some stranger from afar---

Please to tell this little Pilgrim

where the place called Morning lies?"

You are in my thoughts--I send you all my best thoughts for every day---theo

(especially thinking of you on a cloudy day--there are none here--makes me feel good to know that you have them where you are--I will imagine you on a cloudy day--it'll make me feel better--thank you for posting this thread)