[anne1000]

from the age of around 6(the first memory i have of this) to 14 i remeber engaging in sexual activities with my older brother..i felt gross and disgusting for doing it but sometime i sought out the abuse...my other siblings remember being forced to do stuff at his hands but i cannot...i think i liked it but why? why did i seek it out? i hate myself for this..my obssesive thoughts tstarted after this all stopped...

[Aunt Donna]

Your brother made it seem like a common thing to do. When you got older, you realized this was very wrong. It was abuse. Your abuser played mind games with you. It bothers you that it happen. I was sexually abused as a child and had the mind games done on me. When I got older, I resisted and finally told someone who could help me. I still have flashbacks. Remember you were young and trusted your abuser.

[NuckingFutz]

I did this too and addressed it in therapy and in here. My answer was that while the sexual abuse was going on, I got that person's full attention. I got "stroked" emotionally because I felt I did not get the healthy affection that all kids should get. Loved just because they are them. That is why I did it. Now that I know this, I do not have to do that anymore. I hope that you will be able to work through this and find your reason for what happened. I feel a lot more empowered now that I know that I deserve healthy interactions with people that have by best interests at heart. They are out there. It is about making healthy choices. Best of luck to you on working through this. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

(((((anne1000)))))-You've gotten some really good input from others here.

All I can add is that you must not feel as if it was your fault, nor doubt your memories.....self-validation is of primary importance.

You were only a child; you sought love, as do we all, and someone abused your trust in them--none of it was your fault! I send you all good wishes on your journey--theo

May you learn to understand and find the peace that is yours.

[sugahorse1]

Anne - I hope you are able to seek Therapy for what you have been through. It is very terrible (I unfortunately cannot offer advice, as I haven't been through this) and I'm terribly sorry.

[anne1000]

thanks for all your support...i'Ve been thinking a lot lately...i have a hard time sleeping at night and if i sleep in my room alone(i share with my sister) i have to sleep with the light on...otherwise i freak out. i think someone is watching me...it is mostly stuff like aliens or other supernatural stuff.but i constantly wake up during the night..and have to look around to make sure no one is watching me or going to take me...i also can't stand to have people walk up behind me...a lot of the time i get anxious and have to hurry up and get away. i also startle easily....could all of this be related?

[Sunshine8]

anne i am so sorry for what you are going thru. i was the same way at your age. it takes a lot of work in therapy and honesty with a therapist you can trust.

Hope you get professional help, Anne.