Not caring enough.

Hi everyone,

I struggle significantly with "sustainable caring". If I were to exist in a vacuum with my favourite things, I would wish for little else(except maybe oxygen).

I love, deeply. I care, deeply but I struggle to sustain any outward showing of the feelings. In fact I think little of it until someone I love looks at me imploringly and asks "Where are you?"

Loving and caring makes me so tired, so emotional and words leave me. I often find myself feeling deep things that I cannot understand or name, that leave me shaking and fearful. Why is it so new all the time? Why is it so painful all the time?

People have said "it is the Aspergers", "it is because you are a closet psychopath", "it is because you had a traumatic childhood", it is because, despite the fact that you have some measure of intelligence, your emotional IQ is in the bin". Maybe all of that is true, maybe none of it is and I am sick of trying to wrestle with it.

I can understand intellectually the innocent face of intimacy, and when I watch it in other people, I want the same for myself so badly that it makes my heart hurt. It is not the action I observe but the frequency of intimacy that makes my scalp prickle, so powerful that it is. For a person who has enough insight to know about NOT measuring feelings on societies norms, I fail occasionally and wonder if I am kidding myself.

I retreat for long periods of time with the excuse of productivity, so that I am not confused by people. For as much as I desperately love people, they confuse me to the core, and I am frightened.

I am often left speechless and impotent with my feelings of love and mateship, and quietly wonder if the feelings are true........

or am I just afraid?

Michah

............

"this above all,
to thine own self be true,
and it must follow,
as the night,the day,
for thou canst not be false to any man".......(or woman)

...a quote from.......shakespere's hamlet..............

.........and another one I heard..................

"the eskimos's have fifty different names for snow,
there ought be as many names for love"..............

..........and as for the "not caring,enough"?........hhmmmm.........

......I have always had my own problems with "more"........

.......it's niether "more or less".......it's the in-between......
........."the music between the notes"...........................

........so now, it's nature vs. nurture..................

........how I was raised.....and my universal placement.......or

..........society..........and............god?....................

.........what is...........and.........what ain't................

This past Sunday night, about 6:30pm, I heard the screaching of
tires and a mild crunch. I stood and peered between the mini blinds
of the window in the room were I reside. With a glance,my eyes absorbed
another accident, not twenty feet from were I stood, inside or behind my
confinement wall of safety.

A eighteen wheel truck had just crunched a chevy s-10 compact pick-up
truck. What my eyes had seen and my brain deciferred are two different
things.

.....and Micah........such difficult questions to answer, because of that
one word "love".............

I found myself in a position of "my love" for life and my fellow man. This
is love manifested to it's extremities. I have found, through reflection of
my experiance, that this is NOT the first time I have been in a situation
of this nature.

So, love in comparison...........??????????.....to what?....death?
.............equals....................awareness.............................
......."I cannot change what I am not aware of".....(quote..I forgot)

I will try and answer your question "why is it so painful all the time"?

From my experiance, I have found that; what my eyes see; what my brain
thinks; what my heart feels; the way my body acts................

...................all............are related to............................

........"teach me to care and not to care. teach me to be still".........

.........and in closing....it's not you my dear....it's just the way things are

........remember tho'........courage and fear are brothers.....(or sisters)


..................luv sparrow..................

Wow! The people that said the above things would knock anyones confidence. By the way people with aspergers usually have a special talent that compensates for the aspergers.

You ask whether you are 'just' afraid. Fear and anxiety can mask all other feelings. So yes it is likely that all you feel is fear. Learning (and yes it can be a learning process) to be aware of your own feelings and knowing how to cope when that anxiety tries to over ride other feelings takes time.

Go easy on yourself, hugs to you ((((((((( Michah )))))))))

Man, it must be so frustrating to care so much and have it not be seen, or provable.

I had a boyfriend that described things similarly to you;
It might have been a reassurance thing for me, but I really loved to cuddle and spend a lot of time with him-that's how I interpeted care. But he could go on his computer and be happy discovering, creating, etc for weeks, and then I would feel like he didn't care about me, and I would also get mad at him when he did come back to me, because I had felt unloved and abandoned, at the time.

It really did feel like it was if he was "gone". We even tried to schedule time to be together, but now I understand, when one is in that mode, it's like ripping a songwriter away from his composition in the middle of the creation of his masterpeice.

I think it would really help if you could voice your struggles as much as possible to your loved ones, (especially?) your partner. Confiding in a person is an intimate activity, and your post was actually very intimate and deep;
It may take a lot of energy at first, but like exercise I think it could get easier for you over time, especially if you're with someone who is supportive.

I'm not sure if that's the type of problem that you are dealing with, but if it is I hope you are able to find someone who doesn't pull for you to change, but can let you be who you are; there's a balance somewhere-it's just finding it that can drive us crazy!

((((((((Micah))))))))

(((((((((((( Michah )))))))))))))

Words have left me for now.......but know this...

I am moved beyond words at your kindness and compassion. Thank you everyone

I shall speak more when I can collect myself.

Michah

(((Michah)))

I see the frail, sick old woman on a stretcher being wheeled down the hall at the hospital where I work and my heart shatters for her...She is so afraid and helpless...at the mercy of strangers and I see the fear in her eyes. I think of her all day...where is her family?? Why is she all alone?? But I couldn't look her in the eye at that moment and I so regret that so much....because I was afraid of the emotion she invoked in me.

Much love to you...we do our best....

Micah, when one feels emotions so strongly, they are often hard to name or ort out. They are usually very complex, which doesn't help. Youmust feel very deeply and very strongly to be so tired when you you love and feel connected. Those who try to dismiss you as "aspbergers" or "antisocial" don't know where their heads are, dear. It takes courage to feel, and you are brave. Very obviously so. HUGGGGSSSSSS!!!!

((((((((Michah))))))))

Sending you support and safe gentle hugs, letting you know that we understand and know the care you give is more than enough and is channelled into the right places

Rhiannon

((((((((((((((( Dearest Michah )))))))))))))))))))))

I understand the struggles you are dealing with hon. But I have one question for you...........

By who's standards are you defining yourself by?