[*freak*]

Put a trigger icon because I mention death and suicide. This is NOT a suicidal post however. -----------------------------------------------------

If somebody noticed that I'm suffering and asked me what's wrong, I'd say I'm lonely. Of course there's no one around to ask me this question, or any question for that matter.
Anyway, I wouldn't say I'm depressed, I wouldn't speak about my anxiety, nor would I mention my eating disorders. I'd just say I can't stand this loneliness any more. Funny, though... how many times have I thought something had become unbearable and yet I kept going. I always survived what I thought was unsurvivable. The unpleasant truth is that humans are incredibly resistant beings who can stand unbelievable amounts of pain without crashing. And I am no exception.

I just wish I wouldn't have to do this. Every day, every single day is so so so hard. Nobody understands. I don't know the appropriate words to describe how difficult it all is. Having to go on and on and on... without wanting to live. Without hope for things to get better. Knowing that although many things will change, I'll remain alone. Who would ever want the company of someone who doesn't make eye contact, who doesn't speak and who looks just horrible?
I will spend the rest of my miserable life without the possibility to share my thoughts, my feelings, my actions with another person. Wondering what it would feel like to have someone, anyone by my side. Longing for something I've never known. And knowing I can never have it.

I feel devastated.

Through all these years what I've been telling myself when the pain got overwhelming was: "Ignore it. Go on. You will die one day and then you'll be ok. Just hold on for now until death comes to save you". I always found it ironical that what kept me alive was the thought of death.
Another point nobody understands. Wanna know what people asked me after my last suicide attempt? "Did you do it because of a man?". Sure. Why else would I try to kill myself. I'm a girl so there must be a man in my life who broke my heart and made me want to drink myself to death. And I didn't know what to reply. How could I possibly explain that there has never been a man for me? Or even worse, how could I ever find the words to make them understand what's going on in my mind and in my heart?

Sorry, I know there are many people here with much more serious problems than mine. I really am sorry, but I just needed to vent and to know someone will read. I don't like to write posts like this because it makes me feel guilty, but I desperately needed to post this tonight. No need to reply, I'll just look at the views tomorrow and it will comfort me to know that someone has read this.
Thank you so much if you came this far but even if you stopped earlier.

[CombatBaby135]

I might not fully understand your pain, but I can relate to the highest point in my life..
Even though we might not know each other, I am here to lend an ear..
My blessings are with you <3

[Onward2wards]

This is one of the most important posts I've ever written (No pressure, right!?) ... and one of the most difficult ... I almost feel like I'm writing to myself. I have been in a similar place to where you are now. Same thoughts, same yearning, same hollow emptiness, same frustration that devours from the inside out. Loneliness is a difficult pain to fully describe, isn't it?

I'm going to describe what helped me, and I'm willing to share a deeper look at myself than I normally feel comfortable with. If you don't feel up to hearing advice right now, it's okay, just stop here for now.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Please try to keep an open mind. It has taken me a long time to FULLY realize that our own fears and past memories of rejection or negative judgment create negative expectations that tend to come true for us. It's not some mysterious curse, it's just that when you get to the point where you don't expect much from the world and don't think much of yourself either you don't ask much of yourself, then you don't get much either, socially or otherwise. It's learned helplessness and a very negative view of one's self, and all the logic behind it seems absolute - I know because I've fought it too. I think it has been the driving force behind the depression I've fought periodically for many years.

My own biggest fears, very honestly? Being powerless and irrelevant. I remember waking literally screaming from nightmares about that. And powerless and irrelevant is how I would act (it's only obvious looking back) and I would make my life a reflection of that just because of all the things I never dared try!

I found that reaching out to people and striving for my goals no matter how pessimistic I ever felt about my "chances", focusing almost defiantly on what I wanted to achieve instead of what I was afraid of happening (or more often, not happening), was the way to move ahead. That's a war I'm still fighting, but every battle has been worth it. In time, we become stronger facing down our fears and trusting ourselves and the world enough to risk just a little more every time.

I'd advise you to: find a competent therapist who intends to get results for you, not just listen without offering suggestions; work with a psychiatrist or doctor who will fully listen to your medication concerns; and read everything you can that gives you any sense of possibility ... books on self-esteem, socializing and optimistic thinking aren't silly, they can really work. The most important thing is to hold on to the life you yearn for and the faith in yourself and the world that says the life you want is actually, seriously possible. And why shouldn't you have that? I hope you get it. A long time ago I started to open up socially because I was sick of being lonely ... and I started to get results I literally never imagined possible. Many, many people feel to varying degrees as you do, as I did (and sometimes still do!).

I know how you feel and wish it were possible to remove that pain even for a moment. You have shown yourself to be strong, and caring (you have to care about others to feel lonely, I think), and expressive. I'm going to have to stop because I'm tearing up right now ... because for whatever it's worth I think you deserve to find happiness. I hope you do find it, and I believe you can.

[gelfling]

((((((((((freak))))))))))))thanks for reaching out and keeping working at things - I echo Onwards sentiments and would add some words from M Scott Peck - Life is difficult...avoiding problems leads to suffering...the longer we avoid our problems the more difficult to solve and the more pain experienced.

Doesnt make the road any easier.....we all have problems and our problems are important to us, so please dont ever feel like you have to down play what you are feeling - your feelings are real and you deserve to talk about them - especially when your problems are causing you pain.

Wishing you some peace and some clarity in working through your problems

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by *freak*

Put a trigger icon because I mention death and suicide. This is NOT a suicidal post however. -----------------------------------------------------

If somebody noticed that I'm suffering and asked me what's wrong, I'd say I'm lonely. Of course there's no one around to ask me this question, or any question for that matter.
Anyway, I wouldn't say I'm depressed, I wouldn't speak about my anxiety, nor would I mention my eating disorders. I'd just say I can't stand this loneliness any more. Funny, though... how many times have I thought something had become unbearable and yet I kept going. I always survived what I thought was unsurvivable. The unpleasant truth is that humans are incredibly resistant beings who can stand unbelievable amounts of pain without crashing. And I am no exception.

I just wish I wouldn't have to do this. Every day, every single day is so so so hard. Nobody understands. I don't know the appropriate words to describe how difficult it all is. Having to go on and on and on... without wanting to live. Without hope for things to get better. Knowing that although many things will change, I'll remain alone. Who would ever want the company of someone who doesn't make eye contact, who doesn't speak and who looks just horrible?
I will spend the rest of my miserable life without the possibility to share my thoughts, my feelings, my actions with another person. Wondering what it would feel like to have someone, anyone by my side. Longing for something I've never known. And knowing I can never have it.

I feel devastated.

Through all these years what I've been telling myself when the pain got overwhelming was: "Ignore it. Go on. You will die one day and then you'll be ok. Just hold on for now until death comes to save you". I always found it ironical that what kept me alive was the thought of death.
Another point nobody understands. Wanna know what people asked me after my last suicide attempt? "Did you do it because of a man?". Sure. Why else would I try to kill myself. I'm a girl so there must be a man in my life who broke my heart and made me want to drink myself to death. And I didn't know what to reply. How could I possibly explain that there has never been a man for me? Or even worse, how could I ever find the words to make them understand what's going on in my mind and in my heart?

Sorry, I know there are many people here with much more serious problems than mine. I really am sorry, but I just needed to vent and to know someone will read. I don't like to write posts like this because it makes me feel guilty, but I desperately needed to post this tonight. No need to reply, I'll just look at the views tomorrow and it will comfort me to know that someone has read this.
Thank you so much if you came this far but even if you stopped earlier.

(((( (((( (((( ((((freak)))) )))) )))) ))))

I do understand the pain and the continual pushing on, I think many of us here do. It may have triggered some and so they haven't replied.

Time will come where you are able to go further in expressing what you think and feel. This was a very brave and indepth post, thank you for trusting us by sharing it,

Rhiannon

[Sabrina]

I am sorry that you are are so lonely. I would be your friend.
(((Freak)))

[Perna]

When I have become lonely as it sounds like you are, I have learned it's time to go "out" into the wider world. I go to the library or just down to the corner store. I go somewhere where other people are and interact with someone, talk with someone, if only about the weather. There's a lot more happening out in the world than in my home and my senses need that stimulation. You cannot find someone who might understand or at least wants to understand, inside an empty house/one's own head. I didn't have internet when I was lonely, I might have posted if I had and felt better. How are you doing?

[stefano]

I can't hold your hand via the internet :-(

I come near to realize your feeling of loneliness, and my feeling is... how do I say "raccapriccio", freak? Thinking about you for me is like thinking about some body who was jailed for a mistake, and held in isolation for years. I can't stand the idea of years passing in that cage.

People appreciate you, those few you expose yourself to. you can blame it on human madness, since I know it is total nonsense to you.
I appreciate you. The only disperate thing here is my possibility to communicate how much really I do.

[Shadowghost]

Freak, thank you for sharing your pain. That kind of sharing takes courage. You are a very loving and trusting person, I think, and you deserve happiness. I hope you find someone to share yourself with. You are worth being loved. When things seem darkest, don't give up. You've come so far already, you can find happiness. You have so much to offer others, please keep reaching out. Someone will reach back to you!

[beadlady29-old]

(((((((((((((((((freak)))))))))))))))))))
well, dearest freak, it sounds to beads like yuor feelings and fears are not as unusual as yuo mite think that wthey are. beads can definitley understand and feel that awful, lonely, guilty, hurting pain yuo are describing. in fact she spent what was, literally, a lifetime of wating far a death that she was not allowed to create in order to end the suffering. ( yuo know, that rule whear yuo did not ask far any of it from day 1 but your not allowed ta break the rule which say yuo is not allow to take yor self uotta the ballgame).

just like the others who have posted on your coureageous thread have stated hear, the way out of that cycle is to reach out. its also the single most important voice of supportive advice beads has to offer yuo.

and beads wuold like to tell yuo that we would be willing to lissen to yuo vent any time yuo need to that she can be their far yuo. yuo are already much strongewr then yuo realize. please keep posting!
beads

[*freak*]

Thank you so much to each and every one of you (((((((((everyone)))))))))
I wasn't expecting so many replies and I'm grateful for all of them. Your words have comforted me and made me feel better. This is also why I like PC so much: it's full of kind people that totally "get it". When I come here I know I won't feel a total alien, as usually happens irl. All this to explain that I really appreciate your posts. I will think about it and re-read this thread many times, trying to follow your precious advice.

((((((((((((((((CombatBaby135))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((Onward2wards)))))))))))))))) Thanks so much for sharing, I know it's not easy
((((((((((((((((Gelfing))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((Rhiannonsmoon))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((Sabrina))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((Perna))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((Stefano))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((Shadowghost))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((Beads))))))))))))))))


freak

[Shadowghost]

Freak, I hope you keep posting, because having people to vent to, ask advice, or just seek comfort from, is very important. Your problems are important, you deserve to be heard, and understood. Please remember that when you're feeling down, it is just a feeling, and quite often our feelings lie to us. They keep us from seeing things clearly. It's okay to feel a particular way, it's natural, but always remember that what you are feeling, especially a negative emotion, is JUST that, a feeling, an emotion, and it WILL pass. It may seem a cliche, but it's still very true what they say, fear is only False Evidence Appearing Real. The reality is that you are worth being loved and understood, you deserve happiness, and you have important things to share with others. Making a difference in someone's life doesn't have to be about big things, because everything we do, even small things, make ripples in people's lives. Those ripples spread outward, touching others, and we will never see all the consequences of our actions and words, but those actions and words keep spreading, keep influencing people, long after we're gone. One small act of kindness can spread to touch many people. They may never know who started the ripple, but that's alright, because the truly important thing isn't with who the ripple originated, it's how that ripple affects others. If you can make even a small difference in someone's life, then you did something worthwhile, something to be proud of. That's just my two cent's worth.

[50guy]

Lonliness....that's a tough one for me. I can be in a room full of people that I know and love, yet feel lonley. My thoughts are with you *freak*

[barleysmile]

Yes, I do know what it feels like to consider death a 'rescue'. My son and I joke with each other (he's 20) that "noone lives forever" is a comforting thing to say. It's true. Noone lives forever. I just wanted to say that so you'd know it's not just you, others feel the same. As for the loneliness, you'll have to do something to get busy. Some people throw themselves into working out, reading, blogging, work, meditation, dance, learn a foreign language, a pet (fish, cat, dog, etc), anything that makes you wake up and feel impassioned, like you need to hop-to-it first thing.

I am 43 and have always been alone. Even my son's father wasn't really a boyfriend. He was my first and only, just a friend really. He left town when I got pregnant. I'm glad you posted. Well written. Keep on hanging on and remember you are contributing to others recoveries here by sharing your own stuggle so don't hold back. We all feel better when we discover there are others in the same boat. It's the best way to reach out. It was a well written post and I look forward to hearing from you again.

Don't give up. We need your words too. Never be sorry that you shared. Many of us are here to read exactly your words because that's what we need right now.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( freak ))))))))))))

[(JD)]

(((freak)))) Don't sell yourself short. Your post is quite important, and what you are going through seems top of your list as important too! Comparing to others is rarely a good thing. It doesn't matter the "what" but the "how" it's being handled. I mean, a small one might not bother me, and with someone else, they might consider the small thing huge to them, or vice versa. It's all depending upon the person and where they are right then.

Are you able to go to therapy? You can feel better. Yeah, it is lonely without others in your life. Human beings are made to be with other people, and to feel like they have a purpose, imo.

Keep sharing...what do you do to get through the day?

[sunsetsunrise]

Freak, thank you for your eloquent words that speak of the deep pain. I sadly understand all too well what you are talking about. I live a life of devistating aloneness. the pain is extreme. I understand all too well the feeling of hoping that life ends before too long. I wish I had answers for you. But I do not. Best I can tell you is that I have known so many people who hung in there and somehow miracles happened.

I live on fumes of hope. Sometimes I run out. And I find more fumes. When I go out to the grocery store, or talk to a neighbor, I smile. "All is great", I say. You are not alone freak. I know that kind of pain. All alone I live in it. I pray that no one feels this kind of aloneness. I try to smile. And I am successful. I try to hide the pain. And I am often successful. But I understand how the pain of anxiety, depression, aloneness and isolation takes a toll day after day, month after month. year after year. you are not aone, freak. I know the pain you described. Thank you for putting it in to words. (((((((((((( freak ))))))))))))))

[Gus1234U]

the only cure for Wanting, is ,,,, Giving. Give what you want and you will have it.

[sunsetsunrise]

Thank you Gus. I, for one, have given all my life. Still do. Stopping would be unthinkable. People whom I give to are grateful. Some come to expect and depend on it. I make sure to give wiith love in my heart. I appreciate your sage wisdom !!! Thank you again.

[sunsetsunrise]

Sending more hugs for (((((((((( freak ))))))))))) Maybe we are not alone if we are truely heard. I am holding your words.

[Hunny]

Thank you freak for this post. It has met us at our point-of-need. Not that I wish this upon you but I thank you for stating these deeps feelings with your heart and mind. The following are my comments and my thoughts:

Waking up alive is mostly a mystery for us on most days. Eyes open and what this day will bring..."hmmm...". One foot, then the other, sometimes there were rewards, sometimes the day goes by and still there is a mystery the next day of being here..."hmmm...".

This week, went to a session on making Goals at an employment centre. "Goals? Oh, yeah". First time in a long time there is a bit of feeling of hope.

SMART Goals...is the model they used.

http://www.goal-setting-guide.com/go...t-goal-setting

Did this about five years ago and most of those goals are met..."oh, I didn't realize".

Now, a new set of goals..."hmmm...let's see"

Freak, in no way do I want you to stay in this lonliness place or me either but I thank you from my heart for sharing. I hope it might help you to do some goals too.

By the way I haven't done mine yet, I just hope to be able to pretty soon. The next session is on Motivation.

[lonegael]

Ahhh, Freak (and I have a hard time writing that word, since you speak to and for so many of us). There are times I have prayed to die, and then found myself thanking God that He said NO. It didn't feel like something to be thankful for for many years, and I found that getting past the pain was far, far harder than I had ever thought. He was with me, but for some reason He let me do some hard, painful work. I'll probably never understand.

Dear, no one can understand what happens to us when we chose to try to exit. I can only say how I felt at the time. I can only say what I see when I look in the mirrror. I can't try to convince you of something other than what you have written without risking not taking your experience seriously. It's only that a lot of us have come away with the feeling of not being understood, of living in a sterile, barren world of waiting for the end to come, and of just going through the motions.

Dear, please have faith that "the motions" are more important than you think. They are to all of us. I wish you peace in this world, dear. Rest in that you share this much with the rest of us. You try so hard already, I would ask that you simply let it be. HUGGSSSSSSSSS.

[Puzzle1031]

((((((HUGS)))))) You have a lonely friend here.

[*freak*]

Thank you all. I don't even know what to say. Just wanted to thank you for your words, they have touched my heart and made me cry (but in a good way).
I don't see how I could possibly come out of this, but it's good to know some of you have made it. I think you see me as a much better person than I actually am, for some reason. But thanks for all of your good wishes, I'm returning them with sincere gratitude

freak

[Shadowghost]

Sunset, I know how you feel, somewhat. I live in loneliness also. You're right, it is devastating. I wish I could do more than just post replies on message boards, but sadly that's all I can do. *freak*, I really do hope you keep posting. Sharing your pain with others is important. I know that in my case, I feel more of a connection to people when they share their pain with me. I don't share my suffering with others as often as I used to, mostly because when I did share, the people I shared with seemed......embarrassed, uncomfortable, as if they were unsure of how to respond, so after a time, even though my pain hadn't lessened, I just....kept it to myself. Now I'm more cautious about sharing my pain.