[acrazynao]

the last few months i've had a really hard time making decisions about my life. i am constantly questioning more or less everything about what i do and what i have done. my mother passed away in jan, and even though she and i were not close i was her main care taker for the last year of her life. ever since i have been trying to get my life back to my life and its so much harder. things with my dh are falling apart. he says hes not good at affirmations, i say he's not good at being supportive. so he'll go along with anything i say (even if it means splitting up) bc he says he wants me to be happy, but he won't fight for it or even disagree when i say things are going down hill and i can't turn them around by myself.
i've been wanting to move ever since we got stationed here, but now i have two really close friends preggers and due in a few months that i don't want to leave behind. my job was a seasonal job and the season is ending so i have to look for another job anyway. i don't know if i can do it.
does anyone else have this much trouble trusting themselves?
i've been on a few anti depressants and am on lithium (not that i really believe i am bp other than the racing thoughts) i can't tell what is my real feelings and what is the depression/mental illness.
i'm so frustrated w/everything. i wish sometimes that someone could just tell me the right answer. is my dh trying even if he isn't helping? can we both get over our depression? are we both making eachother more miserable? what should i do with myself?

[Perna]

Oh, acrazynao, I'm so sorry you are going through the displacement and grief of your mother passing away and having to try to figure out "what next". That is really hard! My stepmother passed away in 2001 and my dh and I retired in 2005 and I'm still trying to figure that out.

I don't think it is about trusting yourself so much as your time and life are in flux and confusing right now! That's a "fact". I'm sorry your husband doesn't seem able to help; I guess I'd be glad he wasn't overly anti- whatever I came up with.

I would go with what feels the best at the moment. If you want to help your friends who are preggers, I'd stay, look for another job, maybe also seasonal (Christmas is only 4 months away!) and spend another six months or so researching where I might like to move to, what I might like to do, talking to my husband - see if the two of us can work together on anything or if I felt he was pulling me down or I, him, or whether just "leaving it alone" would not be harmful to each and just "easier" at the moment?

My husband and I moved to this location in 2005; he was still going to work for another year or so and this location was my choice but partly because it was closer to his work and if he wanted to do some different kind of work after he retired, would be in a good area for him to find it. I thought I made it clear that we were just going to do 5 years here, kind of a pre-retirement retirement so we could figure out our "permanent" retirement options and druthers and then do them about this year :-) However, I will now need dynamite to get him out of this house, LOL.

I don't know that where one lives can really make that big a difference if one has lived lots of different places before (I take it you might be military since you were "stationed" where you are?) and doesn't have a clear idea, from experience of where one would really feel good? I like the water and my husband likes mountains and we are here by the water but now I would like to be in a more urban environment since we're getting older. I want to be nearer the children and grandchildren.

Interests, needs, circumstances change. I don't think there is any "right" answers for you, it is about what you would like, what would make you most comfortable. I think you can work on your depression; do you have a doctor and have you done any counseling for it? It does not sound to me, from your description, that your husband is getting more miserable. I wouldn't "worry" about him too much at the moment since he doesn't seem to want to engage in anything on his own. I would look to what would make you happier and more comfortable and call that "right" for you.

[imatter2]

Perna's message is wise and well stated. I would like to add just one thought - if he'll do "whatever you want," do you think that he would agree to couples counseling? Even if he thinks it isn't needed, would he do it "for you?" My husband and I have done couples therapy in the past and though he was resistant at first, we both found it to be helpful after a short while. It is immeasurably helpful to be able to talk to your spouse in the presence of someone who is trained to help show flawed thinking on both parts and give you the tools to correct it. Yes, awkward at first but really worth it I think.

Anyway, anything else I could have thought to add, Perna already addressed

Welcome once again, I hope you stay around.

[acrazynao]

Perna i appreciate the perspective. Phrick we've gone once before and he really didn't participate, but we are going to try again. the part that is hardest for me to get past is i stopped loving him like i used to. if i could get it back i think i'd have enough umph to drag on until things are fixed. but me lacking it and him lacking it really makes it so much harder. i am not going to therapy on my own. life keeps getting in the way. in a few weeks when this job is done maybe i'll have more time.