[MissMarple]

Hello,
My husband & I are trying to cope with my son's depression. He is 38, educated, talented - musically and artistic. He has so much potential but it is wasted. He lived with a woman for almost 4 years. He loved, trusted, and simply adored her. She turned on him, she was bipolar and none of us knew. She became violent and all her 'love' turned to hate and she kicked him out. They never married but had to declare common law, so he had to divorce her. She has so much hatred inside her and is directing it toward him as she did me at one time. He has moved back in with us until he can get his life back together. What is the best way we can help him? I am trying to get him to join this group. I know it has been a comfort to me. Please give me your suggestions and I ask for your prayers.

Hi Miss,

A suggestion from my point of view, first, Don't rush him into making any hasty decisions! Allow him to readjust to his new environment! Although your a concerned mother, he will probably need some breathing space, so maybe not a good idea to smother him. Sometimes when we push too hard, it has the opposite effect from what we are trying to achieve....I venture to say when reality of the situation sets in, your son will be able to see more clearly, and communication will open up between both of you!

Best of luck to you, Sincerely,

SongBird

[MissMarple]

Honestly, I am trying very hard to give him all the 'space' he needs. I don't bombard him with questions (although I want to). I just try to be there if and when he wants to talk. Maybe I am doing all I can but it causes me pain to see him like this.
Thank you for responding.

remember, he is 38. allow him to cope and deal. if he wants to talk to you, by all means listen. one thing that i have found out and i practice it, as much as i can, is to never criticize my grown children's choices. i may be upset and i may dislike whomever...but i do not voice it to them. if someone has made a poor choice, the last thing they need from us, is criticism. i know, for myself, that i am fully aware when i've "screwed" up. he needs time to decompress......it's really wonderful that he has you to turn to and that you can offer him a home....xoxoxo pat

[MissMarple]

Yes, he is 38. He has been through a lot of trials in his life because I did not realize he was suffering from depression even in highschool. It makes me feel terrible. I try to do all the right things. Is there something I am missing? It is so painful to see him suffer and not be able to do anything but just BE HERE.
Thank you for replying.

i can't think of a thing to tell you, except be there. and remember, it is not your fault....depression is a disease...not something that "you gave him"........let him know that you're aware of resources and give him some space.....xoxo pat

[eskielover]

Depression from the depression side that hopefully the worst is over......I realize that my family couldn't really "help" me & that it was something I had to deal with myself including my suicidal feelings & attempts that haunted me for years.

I appreciated them being there for me & visiting me when I was stuck in the hospital. They didn't cause the problem or my condition....it wasn't inherited nor was the tendancy toward it since it was no where in my past family history. It might have been helpful if they knew enough to point me in a direction & that I hadn't felt like I was going insane when it hit, but I had to live through it & had to straighten out my thinking on my own.....not something anyone else could do for me. All this crap hit me after the age of 40 including the anorexia.....go figure......where in my past could these things have been hiding.

My family was there for me & that was the best thing.....they couldn't figure out where my thinking came from either......but never seemed to hold it against me & I never held it against them.....which is probably the most important thing for those of us with depression.

Don't know if this is much help, but hope you can realize that his problems weren't caused by you, life can just take us into these feelings at times & it will be ok.

Debbie