[amber1011]

I posted this in the intros, but then I realized it would probably actually be seen here, and I need someone to read this before I go even crazier.

Hello, My name is Amber

I love forums like this where I can come and talk to people in a non-judgemental, understanding environment. In the past 6 or 7 years, I have been a member of many of them. I have been okay for awhile, and not needed them anymore, until **** hit the fan so to say. This is why I am here.

I almost just don't know what to post and where to post them. I have so many issues, I don't feel like I belong in any one place on this site.

I am a 20 year old married college senior (Psych major). My husband and I have been together for 5 years.

I have had problems with anxiety and depression for many many years, once I "stopped" cutting in high school - I tried to ignore the milder symptoms. I have done fairly well for a person "ignoring" their mental illnesses. Only every once in a while did I regress to suicidal thoughts and/or cutting.
When I began college over 3 years ago now, my anxiety issues really started to get more serious, with me avoiding classes and avoiding my professors because of it - terrified of their reactions. I gave many excuses to myself, and many more to avoid getting it looked at.

I also believe very strongly that I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. I always felt it would be silly to go to a professional and tell them what I have though. I absolutely know I do though. I have almost every symptom to a severe degree.

Now we get to present day. All of these issues have been alive and running rampant in me for years.
Now I deal with these more recent issues:
My grandmother has been very very sick.
My parents who have been together for ~25 years are divorcing.
My dog had to be put down.
and other smaller life issues.

My problems with depression, anxiety, and even my Borderline Traits (such as anger outbursts) have gotten very severe. I haven't been to classes in 6 weeks. I sleep around 18 hours a day. If my husband didn't have the same employer as me and cover my shifts, I would have lost my job already. When I am awake, I'm always worried and constantly freaking out about failing out of school. Yet, I can't bring myself to leave the house. The only time I get some peace is from pot - which has become my coping method to keep myself from cutting (because that would really upset my husband, and I already pull him down enough).

Now I know I need help, and I just can't do it myself anymore. So I made an appointment at the counseling center at my school. Oh yeah, but they can't get me in until 11/12.

SO, now I wait for the help that I desperately need, and wonder how I'm going to survive flunking out of college in my senior year. How to explain to everyone why it happened, when no one really knows how bad its been. I just need help because I have almost no strength to help myself in any way right now. I just can't climb out this hole.

If you actually read all of this- thank you. I know it is kind of rant-y, but I really needed to get it all out.

[madisgram]

welcome to pc! i'm glad you found us. it's a friendly supportive community i believe. the ppl here have helped a lot during rough times and i hope i do the same for them when i can.
is there any way you could get a medical leave from school until you become more up to the task? from what you've described you have an awful lot on your plate right now. my concern is your not being able to deal with everything, including self, and stay focused on school. your not being to class will hinder your progress as i'm sure you know. so rather than doing poorly with your senior year, a hiatus might give you time to sort out everything and then get back on your feet. your job may be on the line too since you aren't able to bounce back up.
so often i've waited too long to get the help i needed. don't beat yourself up about it but your mental health-iness is vitally important. right now that may need to come first. chatting with your hubby about how you are feeling will help too. i am sure he knows, is worrying, but waiting for you to let him in.

[(JD)]

You put off seeking help until now, all these years, so a few more weeks--though it may seem long--really isn't.

Why would you flunk out now? Even if you have to do the semester over, or even the whole year, it isn't the end of the world., right?

Psych major ? You can work on the 10 common cognitive distortions found in a sticky post at the top of the psychotherapy forum. That should get your through to your appointment.

[amber1011]

Thanks for the thoughts. Actually, I have been contemplating medical leave. Obviously, I would have to get clearance from the counseling center, but it has crossed my mind. The only problem to that is that I do get extra government money from school to pay for my rent, and that money is already spent on the rent. I have to see whether I have gone through enough of the semester to not have to pay that back, because I can't afford to return it.

I do want to graduate of course, but I'm worried that if I don't get something like medical leave that my gpa will be lowered to the point that I would be forced to take another semester off too, and be even further behind.

Things are just all out crazy right now. The only lovely thing in my life is my husband. So I guess I can look on the bright side that I have him to keep me from hitting rock bottom. He's a sweetheart, and puts up with entirely too much from me sometimes. lol

[Princess_Obsidian]

Greetings,

Welcome, Amber. I hope you receive the support, as well as, proper medical attention you are hoping for.

Have a good one.

Hello, amber1011. Please do what you need to do to get better. Once you are better, you may deal with the other concerns you mention. Talk to those who need to know you require some time to get better. Seek professional help and put together a treatment plan.

Good luck.

[lonegael]

Welcome! I would suggest trying to get med. leave, as you mentioned, or permission to cut back on class load. This can present it's own problems, but right now you are trying to cope with too much. I know that trying to go through school in a Psych program can make you feel like you are under a microscope, but try to ignore that and make sure that YOU get taken care of. I've been there, done that, and would never want to do that again. Just get through what you have to now. HUGGGGSSSSS and good luck with the good advic you've already gotten.

[sane1logic1]

Extra special wishes for Mr & Mrs Amber