social acceptance

deleted - should have used the trigger.

awww try again and maybe ask a moderator maybe where it could go?

Please don't let that stop you from posting! Oh, sorry I'm Crew, nice to meet you. Crew

Awww Suzzie you needn't delete what you wrote. All you need do is click "Edit" and add the trigger icon.

What you have to say is just as important as what anyone else has to say. And as Dear Crew said, the mods will edit or add a trigger icon if they feel a post needs it. They are caring patient people who will support us through until we get to know the ropes.

Please post again because you are important too and we would love to be able to support you as much as we possibly can. There aren't too many members who have not had one of their posts edited or an icon added.

Take care, please,

Rhiannon

ill try and word it better.

just wondering if you are so different that people think there is something wrong with you. that youre not good enough for them to need/want to know. how do you find social acceptance. when its clearly impossible. and you dont fit in anywhere. something i have a problem with.

i dont think there is an answer for this. so maybe not a question. just a thought. dont worry about it.

Rhiannonsmoon, i cant believe thats all i had to do. thanks.
sometimes i dont think.

hi

just thought i'd share that i had to do a lot of work on liking and accepting myself before i could even think about working on how to be accepted by others. it's funny, but once i started liking myself even a little, it became a lot less important to try and have others like me.

i still have a lot of trouble feeling like i belong and still feel like i'm very different to everyone else, but i guess i still have a bit to do on liking myself. also, i figure that trying to like myself isn't a waste of time - after all i'll get to enjoy the benefits for the rest of my life. lots longer than any friend would last.

good luck in your journey!

ps should also add that i found it really hard to let go of the idea of looking out to others and turning in to myself. like i was so desperate for it, it was incredibly hard to let go. had to take me quite a while to accept this kind of approach.

There seems to be so many of us that you'd think this wouldn't be a problem. Are the others just so good at "putting us in our place" or a place of their choosing that we fail to realize we can find our own places?

((((((((((((suzzie)))))

My life has been a similiar struggle...I just keep fighting and living And coming here, to PC

Hello, suzzie. It took me a very long time before I refused to let others define me. Being instilled with a sense of value as a child is so critical to living a meaningful life. Striving to love and accept yourself to some degree will always be a work in process.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/1752

I wish you well.

I think we all get an idea of what others think it takes it fit in. I know that I have always scared people for being too intense, too active, too aggressive, too passionate, too angry, too sad, too quiet, too observant, too inobservant, too contradictory, oo uncompromising, and , sad to say, too smart (for a woman, yes, it's been said) Scince all of us learn to wear masks, it took me a long time to learn the differnce between wearing a mask to hide the real me, and learning to fine tone the real me for appropriate situations. I no longer feel I have to be something other than what I am to fit in, and I know now that fitting in would destroy what ever it is that makes me half way good at what I do. Think, I had to live twenty years with my illness, and had to become a foreigner to learn that! HuGGGGGGS.

The idea of "masks" struck a chord with me this morning.

I used to do a presentation for small groups (using a cool, if I may say so myself, way to visualize and keep their attention) about masks that we all wear. At that time, wearing a mask wasn't so acceptable. Nowdays, the idea of a "mask" is okay, because the idea behind that has changed somewhat.

Maybe it's the reality tv shows that have altered the idea of who you really are versus the various masks you wear? I mean, it is okay to wear the "professional" mask when you're at work and need to be and act polished. But it's also quite acceptable to wear the "sports fan" mask when you go to the ball games. When we attend a more somber scene, we are expected to not wear our sports fan mask, but our "respectfully quiet and pleasant mask." Right?

Maybe it's learning how to juggle the masks that is so difficult at times? To be able to wear a mask, or to change masks and still know who we truly "are" is a skill that seems to have to be learned by trial and error, and a lot of support!

I know for an online community the masks we have are only visualized by our avatars, and our words we present. That makes it even more difficult to represent ourselves at times, doesn't it? And it makes it difficult to know who the others are, as well. Well, it does for me. TC!

to all.

thank you for the suggestions on self acceptance. it is interesting stuff. dont think it is just that tho. dont think accepting myself would change anything. besides i dont know if could ever like myself anyway. i just want to be considered good enough to know and maybe be fun to be around. but as soon as people know i dont have kids, never dated, no boyfriends or husband, and other stuff. they think for my age this is strange and dont want to know me that much. they are nice to me. but always keep a distance. its no fun when you have no friends. not one. and not a close family either (parents and siblings and cousins, etc). just you and the world. gives it no meaning. nothing to look forward.
the wearing masks are a good point too. i have a lot. i dont dare be me.

Suzzie-

Can you list ten good things about yourself? Can be that you are a good cook, a good listener, have a good sense of humor..

I feel this may help.

I can tell there are many special things about you

I did not have a boyfriend until I was 37....I know how it hurts and how others percieved me as well..

Our worth is not is being a couple, our worth is God given, simply because God imagined you just as you are and brought you into this world..

Can you go to a church or support group, are you in therapy?

I feel a kindred spirit in you, please write more, PM me if you wish

Love and kindness,

Your true friend,

Junerain

suzzie,

I also feel some of the things that you do. I have many masks. When I'm in a social situation, I often say very little - just smile and nod when others talk.

A class or group as Junerain suggested might be fun for you and you would be able to meet some new people. I recently enrolled in a visual journaling class and have met some new people and I am learning new things about myself through the art. (I am definitely not an artist, but they were so nice and assured me that I didn't have to be able to draw, that I signed up. Now I'm glad I did.)

Do you have a T? Do you take your masks off when you talk to him/her? While you are looking for answers, you can always talk to us. Hugs to you - ((((((suzzie))))))

slow

Junerain, you sound just like my t. she said this too.

(Our worth is not is being a couple, our worth is God given, simply because God imagined you just as you are and brought you into this world.)

church is a nice idea but it is the same. they are nice but keep a distance. dont want to know me that much. just at church. not even at church groups. tried it. never been to a support group. so not sure about that.

we are going to work on this in t at some point. i hope it somehow works even a bit.

I think we need to accept ourselves and learn to love ourselves the way we are faults and all, then maybe we won't worry so much about what other people think. No one is perfect and no one should judge anyone else cuz everyone is screwed up in one way or another.

Please try this support group, plug in your zipcode..

This atmosphere is conducive to true friendships, no one judges....just listens

Here you go

I have met all my true friends at these groups..

http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/Page...rt_findsupport

The irony for me is how you lament not being accepted by others when you will not accept yourself.

yeah, i noticed that irony too. and thought about it. its got alot to do with my past. but i think even if i was a very confident and self assured person it wouldnt change this. because that isnt what matters. i could be the way i am and have alot of friends and acceptance if i had kids, bf, etc. its those things that people identify with. the rest it seems can be over looked. but you must have done certain core things to be considered ok and safe to know.

In my mind, loving and accepting yourself is the key. If you are unable to see your self-worth, having a family and friends may get you some social acceptance but not necessarily the peace of mind that accompanies the knowledge you are a valuable person.

You seem to be delegating your self-worth to the opinions of others. I hear the trauma of your past talking. Is therapy an option?

i would be happy with the acceptance. it would be enough. you are right about self value. that part i dont know. i do base it on others opinions. it matters to me what they think. because i want to please them.

i am in t and doing trauma. started this summer. not sure that we are doing the trauma part just yet.

suzzie... can you try writing a letter to someone just like you? Pretend someone you know has done whatever it is you have done that you feel is beyond forgiving or accepting... pretend it's someone you care very much about, someone you dont want to hurt or suffer as much as they do. What would you say to them? What would you tell them about their worth as a person and how they ought to try to look at themselves and their past?

try it... leave yourself out of the equation... write it to another person and be sincere

when we dont accept ourselves, when people taught us to think or feel bad things about ourselves we adopt those as real, as truth... and it makes it very hard to forgive or move forward.

but dont wait for your feelings and beliefs to change... because you may wait a lifetime. Try what i suggested, read stories of others who have come out of bad things and made better lives out of nothing... and tell yourself what you *wish* to believe. Tell yourself everyday what you want to be the truth. Don't wait for the belief to change, tell yourself positive things and eventually you can come to believe that just like you came to believe the other things you heard from others.

peace

not to be difficult, but its what they want that counts. its all that counts. and i dont have it. maybe the way it is, is right for me. whats meant to be.

God wants the most for us...I feel....self acceptance is just a heartbeat away for you..with the rest of your life falling ever so slowly into place, after that

I have seen this in my own life.....I used to be completely isolated and alone.....now have a full life.........used to get ridiculed everywhere I went...now its getting more and more rare

Life can turn around...took me ten years....but it slowly, did.....be it God....or my own inner knowledge that I didnt deserve a lonely life, that I had so much to offer......well, these things worked for me,,,,and here I am......I carved out a life for myself.....by the tips of my teeth....sometimes all we have to fight....still fights the fight..over years....my battles have been won

i agree with a lot of the posts, suzzie. we need to learn ourselves before we can be loved/liked by others. it's like you may have the cart before the horse or shooting your own self in the foot. if we don't like ourselves what we project is that poor self image. so the cycle continues. i hope in therapy you can discuss this. it took me time to accept who i really am and i was amazed...i actually like myself. well sure i still have room for improvement but who doesn't?
hope you'll keep us posted on how therapy goes. consider it a journey in self enlightenment.

i am listening. and i do agree that you need self acceptance. although im not going there right now. but even if i did. thats not the problem. i present as very pleasant. its my lack of certain life experiences that causes people to back away. they always like me initially. its after a few questions that problems start. nothing in common equals no interest. cant talk about kids and what goes with that, anything about men, relationships, girl stuff, or friends. whats left. just superficial stuff. would you want to get to know someone who had none of this. probably not. it would seem like something is wrong. and thats what they think too. so i guess there is no answer. but its ok. i already knew that.