[cutbuddie]

**WARNING** May trigger some people...

I'm not even sure how to say any of this. Well then again nothing's easy, because my life sucks. But anyways, my 16th birthday is in 2 days. I know it should be awesome. Girls always go crazy and plan a big party for their Sweet Sixteen. But I don't even want a birthday. I hate the attention, I hate when people say happy birthday to me and I hate the gifts.
All I want to do is sleep for the next 2 months. So I don't have to bear with my birthday, then xmas and new years. I don't want to remember. It's not fair. Noting has gotten easier. After seeing my therapist, talking about my anger towards my mom and how I used to relieve my stress by spending some time with my dog, Belle. But she's no longer with us anymore. My parents put her down a couple months ago. If only they knew how much I loved her. Oh yes, they did. But that did nothing. They just didn't understand. She was the best dog I've ever known. She was always there for me, that's why I always called her my guardian angel.
I was so close to crying when we talked about her. But I was too scared to cry infront of her. I don't like crying infront of anyone.
But I've been really depressed because of the PTSD, and because in 3 days it's the anniversary of my cats death, Oscar. He was just like Belle, my guardian angel. Although he died 3 years ago in 2008. He was such a special cat. Always there.
That's why I don't want to have my birthday anymore after that. Just never the same. Because I'm afraid I'll start crying when someone wishes me a happy birthday. It's just too awkward.

Ugh, I can't say what I want to say.

But my doctor put me on an antipsychotic which is also an antidepressant called Seroquel XR 50mg. It makes me even more tired than I am. The everyday headaches have turned into occasional migraines but still a constant headache. I'm never happy anymore. I try really hard to, but just does nothing. Every second of the day I just want to cry. It's that constant feeling in your throat when your about to cry and that hurt in your heart like you got stabbed. And the flashbacks and images/hallucinations or things and voices that aren't there. The blurred vision, the feeling of not living to see tomorrow.
When people say how tired they are or anything all I think is "yea, imagine what it's like for me. 4 weeks and barely any sleep.. etc"
I never wanted to SI again, I didn't want to have my funeral song picked out, but idk because of the voice taking over my body I almost drowned last night. I couldn't move, I was just paralyzed. And the new burns on my arm too. From a lighter. My doctor told me not to do anything reckless because of the voice. But seems like anything I do, my mind tries to be reckless so I, you know, do what it wants me to do..

[kikki27]

Originally Posted by cutbuddie

**WARNING** May trigger some people...

I'm not even sure how to say any of this. Well then again nothing's easy, because my life sucks. But anyways, my 16th birthday is in 2 days. I know it should be awesome. Girls always go crazy and plan a big party for their Sweet Sixteen. But I don't even want a birthday. I hate the attention, I hate when people say happy birthday to me and I hate the gifts.
All I want to do is sleep for the next 2 months. So I don't have to bear with my birthday, then xmas and new years. I don't want to remember. It's not fair. Noting has gotten easier. After seeing my therapist, talking about my anger towards my mom and how I used to relieve my stress by spending some time with my dog, Belle. But she's no longer with us anymore. My parents put her down a couple months ago. If only they knew how much I loved her. Oh yes, they did. But that did nothing. They just didn't understand. She was the best dog I've ever known. She was always there for me, that's why I always called her my guardian angel.
I was so close to crying when we talked about her. But I was too scared to cry infront of her. I don't like crying infront of anyone.
But I've been really depressed because of the PTSD, and because in 3 days it's the anniversary of my cats death, Oscar. He was just like Belle, my guardian angel. Although he died 3 years ago in 2008. He was such a special cat. Always there.
That's why I don't want to have my birthday anymore after that. Just never the same. Because I'm afraid I'll start crying when someone wishes me a happy birthday. It's just too awkward.

Ugh, I can't say what I want to say.

But my doctor put me on an antipsychotic which is also an antidepressant called Seroquel XR 50mg. It makes me even more tired than I am. The everyday headaches have turned into occasional migraines but still a constant headache. I'm never happy anymore. I try really hard to, but just does nothing. Every second of the day I just want to cry. It's that constant feeling in your throat when your about to cry and that hurt in your heart like you got stabbed. And the flashbacks and images/hallucinations or things and voices that aren't there. The blurred vision, the feeling of not living to see tomorrow.
When people say how tired they are or anything all I think is "yea, imagine what it's like for me. 4 weeks and barely any sleep.. etc"
I never wanted to SI again, I didn't want to have my funeral song picked out, but idk because of the voice taking over my body I almost drowned last night. I couldn't move, I was just paralyzed. And the new burns on my arm too. From a lighter. My doctor told me not to do anything reckless because of the voice. But seems like anything I do, my mind tries to be reckless so I, you know, do what it wants me to do..

Awww Iam so sorry that you are suffering like this you are too young too be sad .You need to let your parents know this so they call your doctor big huggs

((((((((((((cb)))))))))))

i'm so sorry you are still struggling with this so badly. have you told the pdoc about the headaches/migraines and increased fatigue? they might be able to adjust your dose to lessen these side effects. you have definitely been thru way too much in your young life. please take care.

[sugahorse1]

GIve the Seroquel some time to kick in. You are probably feeling the side-effects, which should ease over time. But it's important to stay in touch with your doc when you start new meds.

Yes, you've been through a lot recently. I'm sure your parents didn't put your beloved dog down to cause you grief - I'm sure there will have been a reason, and was for the best for Belle.
But it's still normal to feel grief. Things will get better over time. Talk to your T about these feelings. When you are grieving, you often get depressed and pull away from society and life. But please try reach out to your support structure.

Please listen and understand that things will get better - the grief will pass and your life will look bright and breezy again. Don't be too hard on yourself right now.

Thinking about you, cutbuddie. Wishing you the best.

[cutbuddie]

Thanks guys so much. I always feel supported on PC. Today was surprisingly better. I was more happy and awake. But still the constant headaches and moments of feeling worthlessness. But tomorrow is my birthday and I really hate being put on the spot like that, where everyone sings happy birthday and such.. :/ yea..