[cutbuddie]

Well, on thursday when I saw my therapist she asked me questions about my sexual assault that happened this time last year. I really hate talking about it. So I told her I didn't remember alot of it to get out of the details. But it was only because I don't like remembering it, because I get reminded of it everyday, and it brings back all the flash backs and the tight chest, the feeling of him being there in the same room as me. I hate it. So I lied.
My T, my doctor and my dad have all agreed that I might have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from the assault. And also anger issues, that I can't let my anger out normally, I just keep everything bottled in.
It's not me that's angry, it's the voice inside my head. The one that's telling me to hurt others and me. So instead of taking the anger out on the voice I take it out on others without knowing or being in control of my body.
I don't want to have an anger problem, I don't like hurting people, I don't like arguing or loud voices at all.
Before everything I've been so happy, used to laugh and enjoy being with my family, hanging out with my sister, all that. But now, when someone jokes with me and says somethings' my fault I take it to heart, the voice just tells me I'm useless, to get angry and hurt someone, to hurt me and to break something, anything. Then I get depressed, angry, stupid.. Never ending cycle.

Everyday is a constant battle field with me vs. the voice.
Score: Me - 1 Voice - 5

[Skully]

I am sorry you had to go through that...and the mess that it created. I know it is best to talk about it and work through it but you don't seem to be ready. Don't let anyone force you to talk about it until you are ready to handle the emotions that are going to follow. Sometimes it is best to leave things alone for a bit. While others will disagree with me, and for good reason, I still feel that you should never force yourself to deal with issues in therapy when you don't feel ready. But don't lie to the therapist...tell them you remember but you aren't ready to talk about it yet. She/he will probably ask why so tell the truth. Maybe they can help get you to the point to where you are ready to talk about it.

I hope some of this helped. It's just my opinion and personal experience. I was sexually abused as a child and was forced to give all the details when I didn't want to talk about it. I still have lasting effects from that. I think it made it worse in the long run. Do it when you are ready to. And if you don't feel comfortable tell your current therapist...get another one!

[Leed]

Hi - Bless your heart, I'm so so sorry that this has happened to you. No one should go thru such a trauma like that.

I know this is hard for you to talk about - but if you talk about it chances are you won't have any more flashbacks, or tightness of the chest, or angry feelings. It's keeping this all bottled up inside that is making this happen - and that "voice" in your head will finally quiet down too.

Yes, it will be hard to talk about. Yes, it will feel like you're re-living it again, but whether you do it now, or a month from now, it's going to feel the same. Wouldn't it be better to do it now and get it over with? Then you won't have to be dreading it all the time. Tell your therapist - get it over with. Then you can let it die and you will NEVER have to live thru that again.

Bless your heart, this is the most tragic thing a person can go thru. It rips you of your dignity, your self-esteem, and trust, plus a myriad of other things. I wish you ALL the best - God bless you. Please update us from time to time. We really care. Hugs, Lee

[bellaboo27]

hi
i was sexualo assulat when i was younger, i stuffer from drpresion used been an socialable person, enjoyed hang with friends, goind out and used been really happy but now days im really angry and get really stress going out would this been from there post? also it helps to talk about it no matter if really hard it can help u move on even if u do remeber in for the rest of your life!

[cutbuddie]

Thank you so much Bellaboo27, I realize all the anger and stuff is probably from not talking to someone about it so I'll really keep that in mind.