[Dark_Dreams]

I completely recognize the difference between my perception and feelings and reality. right now reality is hiding and my feelings and preceptions have taken over.

Failure is a strong word but that is how I perceive events. Maybe rejection is the right word but in my world rejection is failure.

I had submitted a paper for consideration to be presented at an honors conference. I presented last year and felt that this years submission was far stronger than last years. However, I was rejected. to me this means failure in some way. What should I have done differently? How could I have improved it so that I would have been accepted? Is it because of my current academic position or something else?

Now the reality and logic side of me realizes that it was a HUGE longshot that this paper would ever be accepted. It was a highly controversial and volitile topic. I sort of laughed when I submitted it knowing that someone people would read and immediately want to have me shot let alone allow to present such a topic at an honors conference. There is a good chance that for this reason alone it was rejected. It is also possible that there were just other topics that were presented that were significantly better. I can accept (reluctantly and only on occasion) that I am not perfect and cannot be perfect.

Back to the emotional side with my slightly (maybe more than slightly) skewed perceptions. Being rejected can seriously impact future education and maybe even scholarship opportunities. The conference itself have several scholarship opportunities. In addition, being able to say that I presented more than once at this conference would look awesome on graduate applications as well as scholaship applications. Is this correct? Beats me but it makes sense to me.

Again back to the reality side. I have presented at this conference in the past and that alone looks good on all sort of applications. I can also say that I have been published which coults for something. However, having more of that to stick on a piece of paper to impress someone can't hurt.

Logically I know this isn't the end of the world and I will have any number of opportunities to do this kind of thing. I also know that my value is not placed on this one event. Emotionally, it sucks. It sucks in a huge way that even words cannot quite express.

[Omers]

Being able to think outside the box, be on the cutting edge, raise new ideas is what brings change... The "good ole boys" feel threatened by having to keep up. I too have been rejected for my academic beliefs (that I can support) because it was too upsetting to the status quo.
Just my snobish, narsissistic 2cents

[Perna]

It doesn't even have to be a better/worse thing; there could have been a theme the people in charge were looking to illustrate and your paper didn't happen to fit. Too, they could have seen you contributed last year and wanted to give others a chance? I think it's kind of great you presented last year, when you were younger, etc. as that is more impressive than at the end when they might be throwing sops to those who have never presented yet but are graduating, etc.? It's like letting football players who have been sitting on the bench for three and a half years play in a game so they can say they played? You're already established. You won the Oscar last year, but, of course, were nominated this year.

[Dark_Dreams]

There is no theme. That is one of the great things about this particular event. The themes run the gammut which makes the whole thing so interesting. As for giving others a chance, I would buy that if I had not found out that others who partcipate last year are also doing so this year.

I have come up with two very viable options as to why I was not picked, one of which I can accept the other of which just pisses me off.

First, my topic is highly controversial. I wrote it known this with the full support of my mentor knowing that it would likely be met with a great deal of resistence. We have talked at great lengths about this and discussed that if this paper is rejected it isn't personal. Some people would rather reject something they are uncomfortable with. And for me, I would much rather put something that i feel passionate about out there than bow to the pressure of polite conversation and political correctness.

The second option is that I am not a part of the inner circle and the powers that be (many of the whom participate come from classes within the inner circle) like to pick their little proteges. Again, I am not a puppet and tend to think on the outer edges of acceptance. However, this one does hurt. I do like to push the limits a bit and make people think but I do strive for acceptance and being rejected because I just don't fit in (*cues island of misfit toys song*) is a hard thing for me, particularly right now.

I have not had a chance to talk to anyone about my rejection to determine the reason behind it. Perhaps if I do I will find the real reason (rather than over speculating) and it may turn out to be a decent educational experience.

[Fresia]

Good work getting your submission in for consideration. I agree with Omers and Perna that there are TOO MANY other reasons that have nothing to do with you or what you presented specifically for these types of things that you could have been passed over for. Besides no one counts if you were turned down for proposals or papers; this doesn't even go down on your applications or resumes. The fact that you are staying current, challenging your field, and continuing to move ahead is a success in an of itself. You should be proud of the work. You tried, it did not work out this time, but there will be other submissions and events, and other ways to establish yourself in your field. This is a very minor bump in the road and far from failure or a true rejection b/c it may have had nothing to do with you.

[hayward]

I am impressed at how well you are able to articulate the practical/logical and emotional sides of all of this. You are wise, and that will help you after some time has passed. I have no doubt that the hurt will lesson.

I think some of what has happened for you here is very basic, though. Everyone wants to be appreciated, and everyone wants people to like them and what they do! Even when I do not like someone, I always want them to like me. When I know that they don't, I get very hurt and upset and feel incredibly rejected. I simply want to be liked; I can criticize myself freely but need the validation from other people.

Please know that I am not being condescending in saying this. You clearly have many reasons to feel frustrated. I'm just saying that it's also normal just to feel hurt.. Make sense? I don't know!

[Fresia]

I was typing as you posted just now. It would be beneficial for your work to know why the submission was rejected so there is no speculation. If it was personal, that is one thing but you'll probably never find that out. If academic, it will help you to know what they were looking for, were considering this time, or help your direct your own research in the future. The input can be valuable. Hang in there in the meantime as you sort through this.

[Dark_Dreams]

I do not find you condescending in the least. I know it is normal. I also know that I may feel rejection at times when rejection isn't actually there.

I too want to be accepted even by those that I may not particularly like. Neeing to be accepted is a basic human quality no matter how much one might say it isn't

And as much as I try to push the envelope, I still want to be accepted

Hello, Dark_Dreams. What is your plan for being accepted?

[Dark_Dreams]

I'm not sure I understand your question. Could you explain what you mean?

What you are doing does not seem to be working. If it is a priority to gain acceptance, what are you willing to do? Would you push the envelope less if doing so increases the probability of acceptance?

[Dark_Dreams]

That's actually a tough one to answer. If I pushed the envelope less I feel as though I would be caving to societal standards, some of which are less than acceptable in my opinion. I also feel that I would be giving into the status quo which I feel needs to be challenged at times. I firmly believe that far too many people being complacent and are willing to accept things as they are. That is something at which I am really not very good. I need to ask questions. I need to know why. I want to solve the problems not just sit back and accept them and learn to live around them.

So then, it is a matter of choice.

[Dark_Dreams]

Isn't it always?

I guess it all comes down to what is more important and what it is that I value most.