[LittleForgetMeNot]

My emotions have taken over. I used to pride myself in being the innocent picked on one. Now I don't even care if they call the cops on me, I just wanna fk with them. It hasn't gotten far, it's just sarcasm.. mocking, etc.. But I'm enjoying it enough to scare myself. I tell my friends what I'm doing, hoping that they're gonna get mad and tell me to stop.. but everyone is telling me they deserve it, after everything they did they deserve it. I don't think they do, what I really want is to just sleep and not bother with it anymore.. but the other half of me wants them to hurt, I want the control again, I want the power to make them all cry and want to hate me again. I WANT to give them reasons to hate me. I want them to tell me I'm a ***** and I'm this and I'm that and I should go to hell. I want it but at the same time I hate that I do.

it's time to stop this. you gave them a taste of their own medicine to see what they've been doing. now, it's time to drop this, get off the computer and start the work of making real life friends. enough with the drama already, little. it's time to start making healthy decisions for your life.

[Perna]

No matter what we say or do, we cannot control what another feels about what we say or do; our vitriol mostly hurts ourselves.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

I've calmed down now. I wrote everything I felt in an empty notebook and I felt empty and calm afterwards. I've deleted and blocked them both, I'll try to keep it that way for good. I know one day they're going to come back, and depending on my mind set I might still want to play games or I might just ignore them all together. I feel better now knowing that I'm not the complete innocent one anymore for some reason, but not a complete victim either. I dunno why, but it seems less overwhelming this way.

I have a history of physical and emotional abuse against me. Outbursts around other people, family or otherwise, are to be honest, not as rare as I'd like them to be. I wonder why and when does a bullied person or an abused person become an abuser or a bully. For this situation in particular it was suppressed anger, built up from years gone by. But for other situations, I don't know.

[Michah]

Little,

People will always behave the way that they do. Unfortunately, giving back what you have gotten, does not teach lessons. All it does is add to the Darkness you carry with you from a horrible and traumatic time in your life with these people that bullied you. The more anger and revenge that is created, the more you bind them to you. I, myself, have been down this road, and was filled with rage and retribution. The main bully was my mother. I became a person I did not know.

You are powerful enough to walk away, but you must understand why and that will take time. Walking away does not give power away, but takes power back. You must empower yourself and eventually......forgive......not for them but for YOU.

"Respond intelligently to unintelligent treatment" Lao Tzu.

Take very good care of your precious self.......and do not bend to the will of the Dark.

Michah

[lonegael]

Little, you don't want to give these people so much control over your life that they can make you become someone you really don't want to be. Time to walkaway, dear, that's just my opinion. I was bullied a lot too, and i know it takes years to get over. But it has to start somewhere. You can't let them decide for you how you are going to be. Huggggggs. Warm and safe.

[kikki27]

Originally Posted by LittleForgetMeNot

My emotions have taken over. I used to pride myself in being the innocent picked on one. Now I don't even care if they call the cops on me, I just wanna fk with them. It hasn't gotten far, it's just sarcasm.. mocking, etc.. But I'm enjoying it enough to scare myself. I tell my friends what I'm doing, hoping that they're gonna get mad and tell me to stop.. but everyone is telling me they deserve it, after everything they did they deserve it. I don't think they do, what I really want is to just sleep and not bother with it anymore.. but the other half of me wants them to hurt, I want the control again, I want the power to make them all cry and want to hate me again. I WANT to give them reasons to hate me. I want them to tell me I'm a ***** and I'm this and I'm that and I should go to hell. I want it but at the same time I hate that I do.

Yeah bullies need a taste of there medicine they think that people should be scared of them so not true

[LittleForgetMeNot]

So, Jesse did come back. But I got bored and suddenly all my emotions shut off in our conversations. I lacked the energy to talk to him, I wasn't considering him anyone of importance to me, and he's become just some guy on the internet. He acts so different most of the time (most likely because Rachel is teamviwering with him) that it's not hard to convince myself he's just a stranger.

I've told him I don't consider him a friend anymore. This bothered him greatly, but even more so when he realized I wasn't planning on helping him with anything anymore (we had been working on some projects a few weeks ago). He flipped out, begged me to change my mind, and when that didn't work the cussing started. Everything bounced off me like I was stuck in a glass, sound-proof room and the more angry he got at my consistent indifference the more amusing it seemed (which is a big step up from getting angry or hurt).

It happened again today. He tried talking to me, I was indifferent and calm and normal as I usually am with people I've only just met (except with him I've known him for years). He tried to play it off as me being annoyed at him, but I denied saying I just wasn't that excited to speak with him . He over-reacted again, got upset, said why should he bother trying (which made me wonder what he's done for him think he "tried" at all) if I hated him. I calmly explained that wasn't what I had said, and he was jumping to conclusions (though quietly enjoying his breakdown). Because he was so wrapped up in his thoughts he completely ignored me and has gone back to the delete + block technique until perhaps tomorrow or next week at the most.

All in all, I'm happy that I've gained control in a way that's not so out of character for me. I'm still getting the same results but without bringing myself down. + Last night I was thinking, how this way I can leave on my own terms without feeling angry, regretful, or sad. Nothing is lingering right now, and I can say that honestly for the first time in a long while. This is good.