[Out_of_denial]

I know that sounds crazy, but I dont know what else to call it. My background quickly (turned out not so quickly) is I grew up with a mean alcoholic father and a VERY stressed out mother. They divorced when I was 20. Instead of being at home during this huge mess, I moved in with my first husband. He was 10 years older, set in his ways and also an alcoholic (go figure). I wanted to be away from him after 6 years so badly and I wanted our daughter not to suffer by being caught in the middle so i basically gave him everything in the divorce. I did end up taking the brunt of it myself and in hindsite, that was stupid. But when you're in the middle of it, it seems it will never end.
My daughter is now 16 and AWESOME! Thats another story though.

During this time, I met my current husband who is very sensitive and sweet. He did have some FOO issues that would come out in very angry ways. I always pushed his buttons though because I thought he was screwing everything up and being so stupid on purpose. We have a 7 year old now.

I was on paxil for a short time in 1998 but quit for some reason. I have been to a bunch of counselors, but never for more then a handful of sessions. Turns out I had a seriously big wall that was not even accessible to me. When i was 14, I took too many pills but I got sick and didnt die. It was a very real attempt. I told no one.

towards the end of my first marriage when things were getting bad, I took some pills in order to shut my husband up. He called 911 but hung up. When they called back I told them why he called, so the police took me to the psych hos. I drank the charcoal very unwillingly, but got to go home that night.

The next time i ended up there was when my 2nd daughter was 1. I think I had a rageing case of PPD. I had gone from a very unique job at a community center to nothing. We had a huge fight and I took off. They got me eventually and I was the most angry I have ever been in my life. I also blew a 2.3 at the hospital and was taken to some horrible detox center. Talked the Doctor into releasing me the next day. But somehow CPS got involved. i still dont know how. But from that I started taking Zoloft that I bought on line because I had no insurance.

Whe i finally went legal with the zoloft 2 years ago, I got a psychitrist that I hated. I managed to avoid him for a year, then he started cracking down on me to make regular appointments. This is where it really starts
going downhill. I quit taking the zoloft cold turkey in June. I was home with kids all summer and they didnt get along. I planned my daughters large Sweet 16 for July, but on her actual birthday earlier in the week, this idiot in a giant work van rear ended me and totalled my 17 year old Geo prism. I only got 2g for it so I had to take out a smallish car loan, but we were broke so it didnt matter how much it was, it was hard to pay. I also entered into chiropractic treatment for the injuries I got that in fact just ended last week.

While dealing with all this, I was having agonizing gallbladder attachs. My husband was traveling a lot for work at that time, but I finally got it out at the end of September. I was in bad mental shape again. I found a therapist nearby and vowed to myself that I would go all the way through this till I was done. That weekend I had a complete breakdown and my H left the house while I was in the shower and the police showed up not too long after. H talked the shrink at the hospital into keep me becasue he was so worried. It was my daughters 7th birthday with a party planned the next day. I had insurance this time and ended up at a real mental hospital. Again, I talked them into letting me out the next day.

Saw T the next week and she made me an appointment with their nurse practioner. I am now on 150mgs zoloft and 200 WB SR. My therapist is awesome, but it took me four months to figure out that no matter how good I feel, I was not cured. It actually hit me like a ton of bricks. I do not ever let anyone get close to me. Not even my therapist. This has created many problems for me through out the years.

So that was two weeks ago or so. T wanted me to figure out what I was afraid of with this new info. I thought nothing, but she said that maybe I didnt know what fear felt like since i have always been one for very reckless behavior.

Okay, so here is where it gets weird. About time right? Sorry, I really wanted to explaine that I've truly suffered depression for my whole life basically. Okay, so she has me writing this autobiography. Kinda a way to get used to talking about my past. I've been doing research on depression and therapy and came across this site. Last Friday, I found the blog about "The Complexity of the Creative Mind". I finally figured out that all my years of self doubt and feeling different and stupid, I was actually creative. The job i had my whole adult life was VERY creative. Everything I did that others would always say "why are you doing that, you're crazy". When I was actually the one with an actual grip on the situation. So this really lifted my spirits. i realized i still had to work on my original issue and how it is affecting my life right now.

Well, one of my biggest problems is a very short fuse when it comes to H and DD2 constantly bickering and fighting. He wants her to listen and she diggs her heals in. Over and over. Last Sun. night, I was more depressed then ever. I wanted so badly to escape the noise and just dissapear. By Monday, EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING had changed. The depression was gone. I felt peaceful. When DD came home from school that day, she didnt feel good. I took great care of her without feeling put out or overwhelmed. In turn, H was different andf there was no bickering whats so ever. Since Monday my parenting has exploded. I have TONS of patience. I dont freak when i am getting nagged and the nagging is subsiding. I have been in a great mood with H. I didnt even talk to the man for months after the incident in Oct. Last night we cuddled in bed after not touching either other in the night for years. During the last few months, he didnt even get that lil' sumptin-sumptin because I was just so angry at him.

A week ago my mom told me that in fact i did not let anyone close and I could practice on her. I had NO idea what that meant. I get it now and my heart has melted for the people in my life. I gave away a amazing amount of items today to the Easter Seals. I am getting my home in order so I can go back to work soon. More is on its way out also. I need it to be only the stuff we use. I have been doing things in a slow and patient way to get things organized in a way they are useful and acceptable. I've always been like this, but now my organizing is on Steroids. I havent complained. Now I just simply state what is bothering me. It helps my whole household.

So as the week has gone on, I feel that my past, except a few things, is unimportant now. I feel nothing for it. I feel better then I ever have. Just by finding out that I have a Creative Personality. It validated my whole life. It explained things that I have actually managed to talk about in therapy. I am NOT white knuckling this by any means. It feels natural and permanent. Of course, T. is on Vac. this week. I am just bursting to share this with her.

Am I REALLY cured, or have I gone completly round the bend? Also, though I am not really religious, I KNOW God is guiding me through this. Thats another story also, but right now, I feel like I am on an EPIC Adventure and the whole furture is mine.

[Leed]

That's wonderful!! I think that for so many of us, we LONG to be validated! For too many years, we've either been looked at as - or told that - everything is in our heads. That we're imagining alot of things. I've had my ex tell me that I was just too impressionable - that I imagined all kinds of things and I shouldn't believe everything i read. I DIDN'T believe everything I read ~ but things that SOUNDED like me, I believed!! All I wanted was some validation!

Getting that from a doctor is pretty hard -- most of them are so closed-mouthed. If you were bleeding and showed it to them, they wouldn't admit it. LOL

I'm so glad you finally got some acknowledgment - the validation you so sorely needed. And I think that CAN make all the difference.
So good for you ~ and keep up the good work! God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Yoda]

You have been through a lot. I am glad you finally can see a brighter day.

Welcome to psychcentral.

[wing]

You sound like I feel when I'm hypomanic, and that was induced by antidepressants. I'm glad you're handling things well, and hope you recognize when to call your dr. for a med check if things start going down the tubes again. I'm glad to hear things in your life have worked out so well for you, you've had a lot of setbacks and come through. You are a very strong person.

[venusss]

I believe it is possible.

[Out_of_denial]

Originally Posted by wingin'it

You sound like I feel when I'm hypomanic, and that was induced by antidepressants. I'm glad you're handling things well, and hope you recognize when to call your dr. for a med check if things start going down the tubes again. I'm glad to hear things in your life have worked out so well for you, you've had a lot of setbacks and come through. You are a very strong person.

That was kind of what I was worried about. Though I have no history of
hypomania. I guess we'll see.

[lonegael]

I wouldn't worriy about it if aother problems don't come up. Right now, enjoy feeling well. People have snapped out of it, you know. HUGGGGS!

[ruffy]

(((outofdenial))) Glad things are looking up for you!!! Thanks for sharing!!