[a hurting mother]

my 28 year old son. has a bachalor degree In political science with a minor in sociolgy. HE THEN ENTER A LAW SCHOOL in va. he stayed there 2 years and was academicly dismissed. He hated the school. when he went to his dads to live in N.Y. state. his whole personality changed. His beloved Grandmother and his beloved Aunt both passed away while he was attending college. My x-husband and I started to see his interest in life slowly fade away. He incured 150,OOO worth of student loans that he has yet to pay a dime on. He's been out of school now since2006. meanwhile his father pays on his credit card debts. he tells me he hates his parents ,and his Grandfather we all love him but he has used us all untill we don't help him anymore. he can't hold down a job and has a problem when he does work with pot. he stays held up at my dads on his computer most of the time. he isolates hisself. and will not answer his dads or my calls. I send him emails but I doubt if he even reads them. Iam a good mother to him. he had a mental breackdown several years ago. he was adminted in a psych ward for several days and was diginosed with aspergers symdrom. He moved back back to s. C. 3 years ago. he hates it here. He wanted to move back ti N.Y. and said he had a job there. my father gave him enough money to move him back there. he used that money to take him a vacation. to see his friends and was back here in a week.we knew he was'nt happy here. 3 years ago when he moved here he was having a nervous breakdown. I took him to the hospital and was turned away because he had no insurance. I tried to get him on at our local mental health center and was told he needed to go to drug rehab . he had'nt smoke pot for months. now he is at the lowest level with his mental health. that I have ever witnessed. His dad"s heart is giving out on him and all he can say is he hates everybody.I draw a small social security check and am not able to help him.I don't know what to do anymore it hurts me to see this once top of his class student that has no desire for life anymore. Can anyone help me ? I'm afraid he will do somthing to end his life. Please someone help me.

Hello, a hurting mother. How sad. There are no easy answers as you know. You may want to talk to an attorney about a guardianship or civil commitment. Generally, the adult must have an incapacity for a guardianship. To be committed the adult must be mentally ill and a danger to himself or others. Even if committed your son may be able to refuse treatment. An attorney can tell you what is required in your state.

You also might call the department of health in your state to find out if your son is eligible for any assistance. Again, your son may not agree to seek help and may be able to refuse treatment.

Another option that is in the tough love category is for your dad to tell him he gets help or has to leave. Not having a home or source of income may provide the basis for forced treatment. The danger, as you note, is self-harming.

I hope you find a solution.

[madisgram]

i'm sorry you are so worried about your son. they are precious to us.
much of what you posted seems to have a thread of continuuing to get him out of jams by monetarily supporting him (and allowing him to camp out at relative's homes.) it doesn't seem to help since he throws away the money. so if it were me, i'd stop enabling him this way. he's old enough that he should try to pay his own way. if there are consequences re his money issues, it's his responsibility to fix them.
it sounds like his use of pot is interfering with his productivity. many users of pot have this symptom. this is confirmed by professionals that evaluated him too.
his asperger's may play a role in his strange behaviors also. isolation, nonsocial, etc. he does need help imho.
the first thing that seems to be fixed is his drug use. i base this opinion on what the mental health center said. you really don't know if he's telling you the truth re pot use. if he is still using pot any mental health help will not yield positive results.
lastly since he's an adult there is little way you can force him to get help. he can apply for medicaid to receive medical coverage. then if he chooses to get help he will have something to help him get mental health help and substance abuse help. BUT only he can put the wheels in motion. i don't know if he will do this.
my conclusion-he needs help but the ownership of all his behaviors rest with him. imho, you are spinning your wheels and there are no good results doing anything like you have to help him.
i'm sorry that he seems to be ill. i understand your worry but he has to want to get help on his own and not be enabled by a free roof over his head and money from family.
this is only my opinion. i'm sure others may be helpful too and offer other suggestions that may be more helpful than mine.

[Martina]

What the others said is pretty much what I had to say. Except to add one thing: if you ever feel that he is in IMMEDIATE danger to his own life or others, you can have him involuntarily committed for 72 hours to keep him safe. If you go through an Emergency Room, they have to treat him regardless of ability to pay, and they will make the referral to somewhere else.

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

[(JD)]

I can only imagine that they diagnosed him with a drug problem and that's why they felt "justified" in refusing him care, because unless they are a private hospital, they cannot turn anyone away because of lack of ability to pay.

If he becomes suicidal, call the police and tell them that. THEY can place him in a 72 hour hold in the psychiatric ward. Or make connections with a psychiatrist who can also do that.

I'm sorry he's struggling so, and that it's taken this long to figure out why he needs extra help in managing his life, and hasn't done well so far. If neither of you (parents) co signed his debts, then don't pay them. Let them work them out with him, or have him go bankrupt. Don't let his illness ruin 3 lives...besides if both of you go under, you won't be able to help him now and in the future.

It sounds like he needs some tough love, with rules. Family counseling is in order, imo...because you need support in how to stick to any guidelines he needs.

The social worker at the hospital can find resources for you, and the SW consultation (through the ER) is generally free advice.

[lonegael]

If your son has been dianosed wth Aspergers this can make getting him off the pot more difficult. Sometimes people with this time of problem can get very fixated on a substance, even beyond what we would understand as normal addiction. The idea that it feels good and that they do't really understand the long term consequences in spite of the intellect they have is often a factor, but they are also very habit fixed people, as a group, and the usual pressure that can get folks to straighten up doesn't work well with them. The same can be said of "tough love", but the rules my be necessary for YOU and your FAMILY to keep your bearings and boundaries.

Is there any way you can contact a support group for parents of children with Autism or Aspergers where you live? you might be able to get some good advice from folks about who you can contact to help you further. This is a group where the usual rules about dealing with drug abuse and adult responsibility often don't work as they should.
Hoping for the best, dear. My heart really, really goes out to you. HUGGGGSSSS and good luck.