[Leora]

Am I suppose to post my stuff here and not in chat. So here it goes. I have had depression since I was a kid. I had a home life that was awful. For example my father would not let me call him dad because he didn't want anyone to know that he was my father. My mother cared more about what the neighbours thought than what I thought. The only person that I had was my Gram she died in 95 and to this day I miss her everyday. I have no contact with my family what is the use if I want to feel bad all I have to do is listen to the little voice in my head that already does that. I have 3 kids who I adore and only want the best for. I am just really tired of hurting and always crying. I have no friends because I don't trust anyone. I don't eat my main sourse of intake is Tea. My husband is awsome but I feel like we have this dirty little secret that the rest of the world can't know about. I am afraid to leave my house because I just can't deal with anyone. I just don't care anymore. I just want peace and not sure where to find it. Thank you for letting me rant
Leora

(((((((((Leora)))))))))))

I'm so sorry that you have had such a hard life. It sounds very painful. I'm glad you made it here. Are you currently in therapy? That has helped me a bit move beyond some of my issues. We care!

[ozzie]

((((((((((((Leora)))))))))))))

[Raynaadi]

Those "dirty little secrets" can do more damage than we can imagine. I'm in the process of trying to rebuild my life by taking a look at my actions and my past. It was suggested to me to get rid of secrets. So I told a trusted closed mouthed friend my last deep dark secrets and it's amazing how freeing it is. I'm glad you came here and told us your troubles. This is a great community for getting that stuff off your chest and for getting great advice. Keep coming back ok? Welcome!

~Rayna

welcome...most of us have some secrets. keeping them isn't healthy for any of us. i'm so glad that you came here and hope you'll continue to post. there are wondefully supportive people here. xoxo pat

[Leora]

I was in therepy for a while but because leaving the house is so hard that is out of the question for me right now. I am just feeling like crap and have no one to talk to and I am not sure anymore that that would work. Maybe this is what my life is suppose to be and I should just stop fighting it.
Thanks for the hug Ozzie.

[ozzie]

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Maybe this is what my life is suppose to be and I should just stop fighting it.

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I think we can always work toward making our lives better. Don't give up on that ok?

[kimmydawn]

Hi, Leora and WELCOME!

I'm so sorry to hear that everything is so hard right now. We're here to listen. There's alot of us who can relate and show you support.

Again, Welcome!

KD

You can post here and talk in chat if there are people there who are able to listen. I find here easier, but that is probably personal.

There were some striking similarities between the experiences you describe and my own. Like you, I was really close to my Grandma. She died in 1994 and like you I really miss her. The pain of missing her has resurfaced for me recently. I am trying to remember her as well as missing her - remembering how she loved me and how she made me feel loved. She did all she could to make me feel safe, and I know she would be sad if all I focused on was how much I miss her. MAybe that could help you too? It still hurts that she is not there, but I can remember what she tried to give me was the courage and confidence to live my life.

I have similar things with my kids - I really want the best for them. My dr yesterday gave me some really good advice which I am trying to follow, He told me that, instead of focusing on the way I did not meet my parents' expectations, I should try to recognise how much I am doing to make my children's lives better. It is hard to do but has really encouraged me.
Trust is a hard thing too. Online can be a good place to start trying out trusting people, and you are doing a brave first step by posting here what you have.
I'd add my voice to the others who have suggested trying to find a therapist or counsellor. It can really help. Can you talk to your dr? He/she should know how you are feeling too.
There is a lot that you can do and others can do to help you. You don't have to feel like you do now for ever. Keep on posting here - I hope you can find some support in 3D too.

Caroline