[eskielover]

Life has been very complicated lately....not leaving much time to do much more than poke my nose in here once in a while. My horse & I have mostly recovered from our fall.....luckily the shoulder wasn't hurt as bad as it seemed.....& my horse is finally feeling so good that he is raring to go. Our chiropractor was out last week to put my horse & me back into place after the fall too. I thought the hurts were gone until he hit some sore spots that were hiding. Took several days & a lot of Motrin to get through that for me & my horse has had his share of bute (motrin for horses).

All of my critters seem to require quite a bit of my time daily.....or it is just that I give them time daily......makes so much difference in how they relate to me. I have added some photos to the gallery under eskielover. There are a couple of my filly's 1st birthday....she has graduated to being a yearling. The first is the birthday kiss.....then sniffing her carrot cake.....then sticking her nose into the cake. Just like a 1 year old, she smeared frosting all over herself. I also added some photos of my puppy. He is now 7 weeks old & soooo tiny. I took him out to the ranch today for my trainer to see. She was the breeder of several of my eskies. She told me that toy eskies that have the structure he does go for $1000. The other possibility (which I perfer) is to get back into showing him & there is quite a need for toy stud dogs. I love the photos of him......he has so much fun sleeping with my stuffed animals in my room. His big brother is teaching him how to be a doggie....& bops the puppy on the nose when he gets out of line. I had to stop the nursing early due to the fact that mommy's milk seems to indicate a possibility of mastitis.....not healthy for the puppy & just another thing for me to have to take care of.....either antibiotics &/or spaying.

We had fun on halloween...I dressed up in part of my witch costume & put a witchy hat on the puppy & took him to the door to give out candy. Boy did the puppy get attention from all the kids & the parents even came up to the door to check him out. I also bought a really cute witchy hat for my filly.....which I also stuck in my photos here.

It has been hard during the time I wasn't able to ride....it gave my mind too much time to let other things into it & was amazed how quickly flashbacks, memories, & depression could sneek back in. I have so much to do & when I slip into this state.....it seems like nothing gets done.....I end up too tired to do anything but don't want to sleep because of the nightmares. I am trying to deal with these things with my psychologist....but don't seem to be getting very far. At least I know that everyone is in agreement as to it being PTSD that I am dealing with. At first everyone seemed to look at the situation as the fact that the RN just ripped off my Mother.....but then when the other things happened.....it became more obvious to both my pdoc & psychologist that it is PTSD.

To add to my the things I am dealing with, one of the lady's at the ranch had bought a very old horse, figuring that her daughter could walk it around a few times a week. Unfortunately, the horse has been going down hill over the last year. First it was one thing, then another then another. There were many times when the owner couldn't be there & I would take care of the old lady including giving her suringes full of medicines. I was always checking on the horse when I went out there. This horse was also the horse that took over being a mother to one of my trainers foals when the Mare died from a prolapsed uturas during the birth. This older mare even produced some amount of milk for the foal even though it wasn't hers......she was really amazing. It was really sad to watch her go down hill & then she finally quit eating. They arrainged to have the vet come out last Wednesday night & put her to sleep. I have been around many of my critters that have died......but I don't think it is something I will ever get used to. I was with them through it & even though we knew it was the right thing to do......it was sad to watch the end of life come to her. I dearly love our vet. He is so kind & thoughtful in dealing with things like this. The reason he went into large animal treatment was because of the fact that he hates to put down animals & he knew that small animal vets to it almost every day & he couldn't do that. We knew that she was ready to die because the vet didn't even get in all the drug to put her to sleep before she went down. I must say, I still end up crying everytime I think about it......wiping the tears away.

I hope things will settle down now.......I know I have to keep my mind off of replaying last year.....trying to keep busy with things that in no way take me back to then. I am thinking about taking courses at one of the community colleges on equine science......planning on taking as many courses as I can before I end up with my own ranch & need to know all those things. I am looking forward to learning as much as I can beyond my daily training that I get at the ranch. It is taking much time to even look into places to move to.....let alone packing up the houses. My frustration level is building daily....which I am sure doesn't help. For some reason, it feels like there is a constant war going on inside of me....to keep going....concentrate on your critters.....& a little bit each day.....then feeling complete exhaustion where all I want to do is sleep.

I have a lot of work to do with photos....putting together my fillys scrapbook, the wedding scrapbook for my horse trainer, & organizing my family photos for getting together with the wife of (I think it is) my 3rd cousin. It was great that she called me out of the blue.....never met her before & hadn't seen her husband since we were kids in grade school. It is great because we are getting this part of the family together now....it was something I thought about when my mother died was that it was going to be the end of family getting together.....now we are carrying on a bit of that ourselves. It does feel good to know that there is family out there that won't be lost now that the older generations are gone.

Sorry for the rambling......just a bit of what has been going on here. The best part of my life will always be my animals no matter what.....they are always here for me & me for them.

Debbie

[jmo531]

((((((((((((((((((((Debbie))))))))))))))))))))

The pictures were awesome. Thank you so much for sharing.


Huggles,


Jen

[nightowl2]

I am glad to hear you are recovering from your fall. Back injuries can be tricky. Your puppy sounds very cute. I hope you can get back riding soon!

[wisewoman]

Welcome home. Nice to hear the stories of your critters.

[Greenleaves]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
My horse & I have mostly recovered from our fall.....luckily the shoulder wasn't hurt as bad as it seemed.....& my horse is finally feeling so good that he is raring to go.

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That's very good to hear! It must be wonderful to have your horse wanting to go again.

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All of my critters seem to require quite a bit of my time daily.....or it is just that I give them time daily......makes so much difference in how they relate to me

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You're a very good parent to your critters, to spend some time with them everyday. I'm sure they appreciate the time you spend with them. It must be a good feeling to know that your critters depend on you and you are able to take care of them. You should be proud.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
We had fun on halloween...I dressed up in part of my witch costume & put a witchy hat on the puppy & took him to the door to give out candy. Boy did the puppy get attention from all the kids & the parents even came up to the door to check him out. I also bought a really cute witchy hat for my filly.....which I also stuck in my photos here.

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I can just imagine! It must have been sooo cute!

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It has been hard during the time I wasn't able to ride....it gave my mind too much time to let other things into it & was amazed how quickly flashbacks, memories, & depression could sneek back in.

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((((((((((((((Debbie))))))))))))))

It must have been a very difficult time for you. It is good that you are able to ride again. I'm glad you are getting help from a psychologist who understands it is PTSD.

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To add to my the things I am dealing with, one of the lady's at the ranch had bought a very old horse, ... Unfortunately, the horse has been going down hill over the last year. ...They arrainged to have the vet come out last Wednesday night & put her to sleep.

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(((((((((((Debbie)))))))))) It must be very hard to have to put an animal to sleep. I feel for you there. It is good to know that the horse lived a noble life worth remembering.

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I am thinking about taking courses at one of the community colleges on equine science

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That sounds like a fun and exciting thing to do! I wish I had your drive!

[(JD)]

((((eskie)))) always good to read your posts

[ozzie]

((((((((((((Debbie))))))))))))) Keep getting better!

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

((( Deb ))) You do a lot to help yourself I give you a lot of credit and am glad to see you

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome back here! (((((((((((((((((Debbie)))))))))))))))))

[eskielover]

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. It means a lot to hear them & helps keep up the spirits which I'm sure you all know isn't easy.

I have been having so much trouble trying to fight back the depression that is creeping back into my life that I have taken working on my issues with my psychologist more seriously than ever before. She has suggested several books & I found a couple of others that are dealing with the PTSD & the anorexia (kinda secondary to the stress due to nausea). Now that I am back to riding & trying to avoid ending up like last year (in the medical hospital for several months on IV nutrition), it seems to be taking up much of my time. For some reason, the books are hard to focus on & make sure I am getting anything helpful out of them.

I am glad for the fact that my mind has something else to think about with my horses & dogs. I swore it wasn't going to happen but I have to admit that the new little puppy has become the joy of my life along with his older brother. I don't name animals that I am going to find homes for but for those I keep, I take a while in naming them. The name has to fit the personality. I have finally come up with a name for the puppy other than "doodlebug" or "Anakin" (the name my daughter suggested). He now has the name of Tiny Tim (not the singer of "tiptoe through the tulips'), or Timmy. He is going to be a toy american eskimo.....very rare to end up with & not sure where those petite jeans came from....but they are very petite. At 8 weeks old, he is only about 8-10 inches long weighing not more than 3 lbs. I just cant stop laughing at how he jumps up & grabs onto Mom's ear, with his little growl & shakes it.....when he gets pissed off at her. Then when Leo plays a little rough, Timmy gets into Leo's face with his teeth bared & his tiny little growl.....I could just watch him all day along with Izzy. I am looking forward to my new foal that I am expecting in Feburary.....but always hold my breath until then since my Mare has already had 2 miscarriages. I am hoping that this one turns out as wonderful as Izzy.....but know how much time I need to spend with it in order for that to happen. I now understand how mothers have room it their hearts for many children.....it always seems like there is another spot for each one that enters my life....starting with my 2 legged human daughter.

How strange it is realize how functional I can force myself to be for my animals & how non-functional I am when I give into myself & exhaustion takes over, I don't eat & can't sleep without my meds because I still have flashbacks & nightmares that haunt me from last year & fears from childhood about being in a situation where I am accused of something & no one listens or believes me. Luckily my meds allow me to sleep, & it feels so good I would love to sleep the day away. I can't let that non-functional person out of its cage very often so not many know it exists. Leo, my most sensitive dog knows when it happens & won't leave my side.....what love & loyalty that can't be matched.

Thank you all again,
Debbie