[venusss]

I woke up with weird feeling this morning and somehow i cannot shake it off.

and once again I am questioning who I am, do I am matter and how can I matter, what my place is and what can do...

...I cannot really afford this right now. I need to go living the tedious real life. I cannot go all existentialist at the moment. I don't even want to.

but is it even possible to switch off the feeling of being interconnected with the world when I need to? To go back when it is conventient? Or is this just a price i pay?

[lynn P.]

The question you ask are existential is nature and they're also very common questions of many people your age, although most won't admit it. I don't know you obviously so what I say might not have any relevance at all lol.

I get the feeling from your personna online that you're a strong person who's proud of your independance and tough exterior. Again these are just my senses - but I get the impression that underneath there's a soft emotional side, you're not too comfortable with for some reason and you perhaps deny it. Maybe you need to get involved with something that touches the softer side of you - normally you're analytical and logical. Maybe you're longing for that personal connection where you can make a difference.

[Perna]

I've read a lot of Mihály Csíkszentmihályi and think it was one of his books (or another commenting on his theories) that pointed out that even if you're just a freckle on the elbow of life, you have an important job of being the best freckle you can be and making sure your freckle doesn't develop cancer, etc. It's the old, "It's not easy being green"

thing for me so I just think of "It's a Wonderful Life" and realize I won't ever fully know my influence on the world, at least not while I'm here.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by Perna

I've read a lot of Mihály Csíkszentmihályi and think it was one of his books (or another commenting on his theories) that pointed out that even if you're just a freckle on the elbow of life, you have an important job of being the best freckle you can be and making sure your freckle doesn't develop cancer, etc. It's the old, "It's not easy being green"

thing for me so I just think of "It's a Wonderful Life" and realize I won't ever fully know my influence on the world, at least not while I'm here.

Good post Perna I like this way of thinking. My response to anyone who's questioning their value in the big picture is: we're all pieces in the giant puzzle of life. One might think they're a small piece but it's integral to the whole puzzle. True we might not realize what effect we might have and where the ripples end up.

[Open Eyes]

Well, you can take solice in knowing that you are not alone in asking that question. Everyone in here has asked that question including me.

But I look deeper than that Venus. Not just the question but what it really means. You know I was talking to someone that noticed something that I notice too here at PC. And we both noticed a common thread the runs through every seperate forum. Well, its on the tip of our tongues and we do see it but we just didn't have the words to describe it.

Heres what I feel. If I look someone up and go to their about me page what am I seeing? Well they put it there and sometimes there is very little there and that is wonder too. But that in itself says something about that person, and it does mean something. But I see them post in different areas so, I see what they are feeling and some of them say very little and some of them are depressed. Yeah that is a very popular forum in PC. Very well traveled, that says a lot too.

But when I see what people do put out there on that about me page, it tells me something very significant about that person. It tells me what they are saying they own, or what owns them. But it also tells me that they do recognize it and want help with it or support with it, cause they really don't want to own it or have it own them. Or at the very least they want to learn how to deal with it on some level.

Then I see how they communicate on different levels and that tells me how they still seem to own it. That alone is tedious. And I also think about what I put there and how either I own it or it owns me to some degree.

But I also go further back Venus, thats what I did yesterday. I wasn't doing it for just others or even the world, I was also doing it for myself.
I have read about my disorder or whatever you want to call it PTSD.
I saw how bad it can afflict the person who has it and how it can vary depending upon what they really did have to deal with when they were children.
I also saw how it effects me and what was there that I had trouble with.
Now I had to be totally honest about it. Because after all, I really don't want it to own me Venus. And I am not your age Venus, I am older and so I have lived with it longer, not even realizing what it was. Or even what had manifested in me about it.

Now, I did have a loving mother and yes I was loved. But I also saw abuse Venus. And as I looked at it I had to be willing to not just look at what love I got, how I wanted that to be normal or appreciated. No, I had to really look and see what was handed to me on some level. And I really was amazed how I did see and understand things when I was so young. What made it different for me and why I didn't have the other disabilites that were caused by this PTSD in children? I look at that too.

Just because we are loved in some way Venus, doesn't mean that we didn't get handed something that affects us now. And it was my whole point yesterday. And it is also that common thread that I see here in PC.
I don't just see it here, I have seen it many times in what I do for a living.
I had to see it in order to be able to teach.

I taught a student who's mother did love her. And that mother was very motivated about raising that child and even being a teacher. But I saw something else Venus. And it was very hard to work around. That child had to run me, my lesson, interrupt, control, have a comment about every little thing. Wow, was she a challenge. But then I saw the why Venus.
Her mother was exactly the same. Her mother would come into the riding ring and literally correct her every move, statement, action etc. And there was no way that I could possibly accomplish anything with both of them present. LOL

I finally had to ask the mother to leave her, an go do shopping or something else. Well, that was hard for this mother to do, but she did do it. Well, at least I only had to focus on one of them, the child and Venus that was a real challenge. I had to design a specific program just for this child and it was something completely different than any other program I had designed before. I had to plan out every moment of the lesson with this child, I had to take into consideration every moment where she could possibly take an opportunity to practice her mother.

Well I did it. I had so many tasks and obstacles she had to do that she really didn't have a second to stop and practice her mothers issues that were constantly handed to her every single minute of her life. And, I have to say, we were both exhausted. LOL

Well, it was hard work every time she came. But I finally got her to work with me and stop being her mother. She actually did learn and even enjoyed this unknown freedom. Well, I got sick and was hospitalized and my daughter had to take over for me. The one thing my daughter said when I got home was, "Dont ever ask me to teach that child again, and Oh, her mother is terrible." LOL Venus.

But my daughter was not the only person that felt that way about this child. Every teacher she had felt this, even other riding instructors said it. And sadly this child was considered to have a LEARNING DISABILITY.
Venus, she did not have a learning disability, she could be normal, I did see that and I did see her let go. But her learning disability was HER MOTHER and I couldn't change that. Now, even now, she is HER MOTHER and is totally unaware of it.

Venus I saw it alot, in every student. I saw it in different ways Venus.
And sometimes I could help a parent see it too. And they would be surprised at what they saw and they would thank me. But it all depended on the parent Venus. That mother of that child that I had to really work with, would never see it Venus. No that mother, she was just too perfect and had so much control and after all she herself was a teacher.

So Venus, it isn't just about the love we get from our parents, it a lot more than that, and many children simply do not see it and even protect it. Just like that child that is now grown up and she is really her mother in every way. And every single person she meets or deals with doesn't like her and even avoids her. And I know that it will effect her in the future.
Somewhere along the line she is going to wake up one morning just like you and say, who am I, what can I do, how come no one likes me, where did I go wrong, whats wrong, why is life so tedious. And I am not talking about you here Venus but I have said those very same words myself and I do hear others say that not only in PC, but outside PC too.

That is what I was trying to say yesterday. So many people who struggle don't even realize why, they just don't see it Venus. That is what I find troubling about society not just on my street but everywhere. I have seen it so many times, so many ways now even in myself, no Im not perfect but at least I am willing to look and even critisize myself. Because I don't want it to OWN ME.

I really tried very hard to be a good mother Venus. I really worked at it and my overall general theme was that I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO DO IN LIFE, JUST MAKE SURE IT MAKES YOU HAPPY. I loved my child unconditionally and I tried very hard to make sure that I didn't push my opinions or own life desires on her. She had friends that told her that they wished that their mothers were like me. Well, yes that was a compliment but it didn't make me feel any kind of power. It made me see what they meant by it and how their parent hurt them not knowing what they were doing. And my daughter would take each friend and tell them what was beautiful about them that they should really look at it and admire it in themselves. It was sad Venus, very sad to see.

When you woke up this morning, it was saying something. What about you Venus, you are special, you feel it. But what do you have to let go of? Be honest with yourself, it has nothing to do with me, it is about you. I am not here to critisize you, and I already admitted that I too am working on myself. And, I know that I am not perfect, and yes I have problems and I am addressing them every day. And, I have had to let go and re-evaluate my life and see what I can take back, what will make my life less tedious, something I seem to own, owns me that needs to change. We all have it Venus, we all ask it, that same question that you had this morning. We just have to learn how to answer it, really be willing to do that for ourselves.
We have to be brave about it too Venus, not for others but ourselves.

Open Eyes

[venusss]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

The question you ask are existential is nature and they're also very common questions of many people your age, although most won't admit it. I don't know you obviously so what I say might not have any relevance at all lol.

I get the feeling from your personna online that you're a strong person who's proud of your independance and tough exterior. Again these are just my senses - but I get the impression that underneath there's a soft emotional side, you're not too comfortable with for some reason and you perhaps deny it. Maybe you need to get involved with something that touches the softer side of you - normally you're analytical and logical. Maybe you're longing for that personal connection where you can make a difference.

It might be cultural... I don't like to flaunt my emotions. I developed a good defense shield against the world (purely defenesive mechanism, not offensive). I developed this "flegmatic/calm/chill" personal image. I often do feel like that. But at times... I don't.

I am trying to get involved... trying is the key word. Sometimes everything seems so hard to grasph and understand and making decisions seems so difficult... with my limited capability to grasp the world... how can I know what is right??

Perna... I try to do my best from where I am. I really do... but what if it's not enough? Also... lack of control over certain aspects... scares me. A lot.

[Open Eyes]

Yes lack of control over certain aspects has caused concern for not only you but me too as well as others, normal.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

It might be cultural... I don't like to flaunt my emotions. I developed a good defense shield against the world (purely defenesive mechanism, not offensive). I developed this "flegmatic/calm/chill" personal image. I often do feel like that. But at times... I don't.

I am trying to get involved... trying is the key word. Sometimes everything seems so hard to grasph and understand and making decisions seems so difficult... with my limited capability to grasp the world... how can I know what is right??

Perna... I try to do my best from where I am. I really do... but what if it's not enough? Also... lack of control over certain aspects... scares me. A lot.

I heard you say on another thread thread, talking about being snarky but you're fine with this term. Yes it could be a cultural thing and defensive in nature, but most people have an inner softer side......also a vulnerablity. I don't know if you're also like this IRL. I don't know if I'm correct in assuming, that being like this can put people at a 'distance' from you, as if you're protecting yourself. The theory being - 'you can't hurt me if you're not close or I'll hurt you first', so beware type of thinking. When we trust certain people enough to bare our softer side, it can make us feel connected on a deep level.

I try to do my best from where I am. I really do... but what if it's not enough? Also... lack of control over certain aspects... scares me. A lot.

I think your above quote supports what I'm trying to say - you really want to be a strong, successful woman and part of that means knowing the answers to life. You're right we can't control some things and since you like the feeling of knowing where you're going, this thought(lack of control) scares you. Saying "you try your best" is another telling statement - that you expect a great deal from yourself...perhaps too much.

These are important questions you're asking yourself, maybe because something in your life is out of balance. What does Venus the woman really want in her life, as opposed to what you think you should be? Even writing this thread is progress, in revealing your emtional side, rather than your normal intellectual side.

[Open Eyes]

I have an idea for you Venus. I know you like to write and you do like to figure out politics and the world etc.

Why don't you take that ability and study children in different enviornments. But just make sure that you get to see the parents and how they interact with their children.

You have to be an observer and allow yourself to be totally objective and write about what is really going on. Now you can even travel with this and study and write about it all over the world if you like.

It would be a great experience for you and even a way for you to somehow make a difference and expose what I talked about in not only my post to you but even yesterday and even the fear that Sanada feels.

It would allow you to tap onto that inner soft part of you but still be able to use the intellectual side of you. It doesn't have to do with different religions or different country or political views either. It can just talk about children in general all over the world even.

We are the World, We are the children

But you have to be willing to see your own backyard too Venus. It isn't about a country, but the children of the countries, how they are treated, taught, what they learn from their parents.
Humanity itself Venus. It could be a life work too for you, because it cant be done over night.
You have to make sure to really be able to write just what you see, not what you think.

Just a thought,
Open Eyes

[venusss]

as much as I value your time, Open Eyes... I am already doing my share. My field is political sphere.

Lack of focus is not my issue... My issue is that sometimes my caring and my worries get overwhelming and i would love to be able to tune it out... just for a little while.

[lynn P.]

My issue is that sometimes my caring and my worries get overwhelming and i would love to be able to tune it out... just for a little while.

Part of this feeling you have might be, you're taking on too much repsonsiblity or from your depression -sorry I'm not sure if you have diagnosis. The solution would be to realize, you can't be like that all the time and you're entitled to 'take a break'. Maybe you simply expect too much from yourself. Worry only about things you can find a solution for, then let the rest go or at least put it on the back burner till later.

Since your focus educationally had been political, I would imagine this must be a daunting and overwhelming giant to grasp. If a compassionate person really thinks about the world and all the political snarlings it can make anyones head spin, especially if you happen to understand it better than the average person. The feelings you have - what kind of worries are you talking about - can you give an example?

[Open Eyes]

OH, Bless you, the other side of what comes from the influence parents have on many children. Sorry to say, that I also have to work on tuning that out.

Quite frankly I am tired of listening to the Arnold Swartzanager saga. Oh, now they have hunted down that poor illigetimate child and are trying to get those million dollar shots to reveal to the public.

As far as Im concerned one has to have a real iron suite or no sense of decency to be involved with that invasion of that one childs privacy. I certainly wouldn't want to do that for a living or even involve myself in that in any way.

I know your probably not concerning your attention on that aspect of politics but, well, politics are very troubling on every level.

I would have to agree with Lynn in that you find something to touch your soft side inbetween that is healthy to find some kind of balance.

Good Luck Venus,
Open Eyes

[billieJ]

Good Post, Venus! It seems like the feeling of being "inter-connected with the world" would be an important insight and a good thing, but I cannot really tell what your feelings about this are. I do know that the only way I can escape my ruminations, whether they be positive or negative, is be throwing myself into the tedium that is everyday life, especially work. {that is why I find retirement so distressing}. Hopefully you have work that you can take an interest in. If you are wanting to return to your existential perceptions, I would think that solitary walking would help. Just a thought. Again, a very thought-provoking post. Thanks ~ billieJ

[venusss]

Part of this feeling you have might be, you're taking on too much repsonsiblity or from your depression -sorry I'm not sure if you have diagnosis. The solution would be to realize, you can't be like that all the time and you're entitled to 'take a break'. Maybe you simply expect too much from yourself. Worry only about things you can find a solution for, then let the rest go or at least put it on the back burner till later.

I don't like to blame feeling on my depression... and i have been at peace... just some things threw me out of loop...

Since your focus educationally had been political, I would imagine this must be a daunting and overwhelming giant to grasp. If a compassionate person really thinks about the world and all the political snarlings it can make anyones head spin, especially if you happen to understand it better than the average person. The feelings you have - what kind of worries are you talking about - can you give an example?

DOn't wanna go uberpolitical here... but I worry about my country (czech republic) and our civilization over all... political theories have been failing us lately...

I still maintain to be here to rebuild the world if things go wrong. I sometimes just doubt my strenght to face the uncertain future.

[venusss]

I know your probably not concerning your attention on that aspect of politics but, well, politics are very troubling on every level.

somebody has to do it.

[lynn P.]

Since your passion is politics and love of your country - perhaps finding where you could make a positive difference in politics, would give you real meaning. It's one thing to be a scholar of politics but to actively take part would be fulfilling. In your first post - are you talking about personal or professional or the whole existential meaning of life?

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

as much as I value your time, Open Eyes... I am already doing my share. My field is political sphere.

Lack of focus is not my issue... My issue is that sometimes my caring and my worries get overwhelming and i would love to be able to tune it out... just for a little while.

What if this is a form of caregiver fatigue? Which is often caused by a desire to control things that are not under your direct control.

What would happen if you did let go for a little bit? Martyrs are great, but usually end up, well martyred.

Life is really only tedious if you let it be.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

I know your probably not concerning your attention on that aspect of politics but, well, politics are very troubling on every level.

somebody has to do it.

Yes, I agree Venus and I wish you all the luck possible and even respect for taking it on. I guess that is why you have a pretty hard shell, and yet have a senitivity inside. The fact that you say you are a peaceful person must make it very difficult to mentally digest. It is like climbing an unforgiving mountain that is nothing but jagged edges that can quickly give way if one is not careful while climbing for anyone involved in it.

However some do make progress but do admit that it is only a small progress there are still many jagged edges to encounter.

Again I do agree with Lynn about trying to find a place where you can make a difference. Some one has to do that too.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

You know Venus,

After all, we are nothing more than Human primates. We haven't changed a whole lot, we just have more tools.

Open Eyes