[coastalgirl0279]

I lay down and I sleep, because I want the day to go away. I want the sun to go away. I keep the secrets to myself because there is no one to tell them to. I don't even trust my therapist. I am unsure if there is a God. When I feel so completely lost, I imagine Jesus up there on that cross crying..."my God, my God, why have you forsaken me." Even God turned away from Jesus, leaving him there alone, abandoned, in his final moments. I was only three when my mother left my father. He was stationed overseas; we were living with him. She, too, was mentally ill. Her therapist convinced her that my father was cheating on her; her therapist convinced her to leave; so she left. Years later, we found out she remarried, had another kid, started another family. When I finished high school, my dad remarried. My younger brother begged for him not to leave; but my dad left anyway, moved out-of-state, to be with another woman. She had two kids. They bought a house together. It was the first time my dad ever owned a house. He went to their ball games, attended their recitals, did for them what he did not do for us. It made us sick. My brother began to use drugs and began to drink. He began to have these "accidents" at work. He lost everything--his job, his house, his car, his boat, and eventually his wife and kids. He was homeless. He became a criminal. I watched and suffered silently, helpless. My own family was falling apart. My husband pushed me away and I pushed my husband away. The trust was gone. I did not believe in love anymore, did not understand it. I stopped wearing my ring and started talking to other men. And I met someone who gave me a minute. That was all it took--just one minute. You know that line from Jerry McGuire "You had me at hello." He had me at hello. I wanted so desperately to believe that love existed, that trust existed, and so I poured every single ounce of my faith into that man. I gave him all of me. And though he said he cared, though he said I was important to him, the feeling was not there. The damage was done. I was left with nothing but two tiny heartbeat beating in my womb, both weak. I could not sleep. I could not eat. I worked and slept very little and worked some more. I turned to my best girl friend, the only one who knew the whole story, my last stop. I lost the first to miscarriage. The second, at my husband's hand. It was the last time I let him hit me. I overdosed on meds and found myself at a care facility, lying to everyone why I was there. Crying every night, I wanted to go home, but I did not know where home was. I wanted my son. When I was released, I made several failed and idiotic attempts to reconcile with the man I had the affair with, but he pushed me aside. It was just too much for him. I found out that my husband and best friend are getting married. I could cry a thousand tears, bleed a thousands drops a blood, but it honestly doesn't matter anymore. There is no one there to care. There is no one left to hear my cry in the darkness. I am numb to it all. I feel nothing. Love doesn't exist. It's all an illusion. In the end, we will die alone.

[disguise123]

u are a true survivor , you have taken alot of unfairness in this world, alot of loss.
Dont give up. Your babies are somewhere watching over you. .
Life can change in an instant. Your purpose in this world may not be obvious to you today. But somewhere somthing will change, people will need you.
Im sorry that u are hurting so so much. Try hang on

[online user]

So sorry you have been through so much. You express yourself very well. You must have tremendous courage and strength to have survived what you have. I truly believe there is a better life ahead of you. Sending you hugs!

[coastalgirl0279]

Some days are better than others. The hardest part for me, is that there is no one to turn to. My "go to" guy and "go to" girl manipulated me.

[disguise123]

yes, and its gonna take courage and time to find people you can trust but they are out there.