A-Sexual or Non-Sexual

I recently saw something on the news about this, and I am not so sure the term they used is the right one. Plants are A-Sexual, meaning they reproduce by themselves. I think I might be a non-sexual, meaning I have absolutely no desire for sex, and the act actually disgusts me. Now if I were maybe 7 or even 10, this might be acceptable, but not at 30. I have destroyed relationships of mine because of this, and have turned down many a date. It's gotten to the point where I can be with someone I love, find them attractive in every way, yet when it comes time for sex, or intimacy, I stiffen up, start dreading the act, as if it is tedious work I have to finish. I also become disgusted.

I do have OCD, and a fear of germs especially toward bodily secretions. Could this have anything to do with it? When I think about it, I come to that conclusion, yet there's more. I think that sex itself has become such a cliché in society, that whenever I see a muscular man in his briefs, or mistakenly come across pornographic advertisements, instead of becoming even slightly aroused, I become annoyed and angered. Especially with the way sex is handled as a sport all too often these days, it just kills any desires I might have had.

I have been hearing more and more about this, people having no desire for sex, though most of the time it is do to some other disorder, whether it be depression, hormonal, or just a low sex drive. I am not talking about this. I am talking about no physical or raw emotional desire for sex, period. Not do to any underlying disorders. Not do to painful intercourse. I believe this describes me. I would ask if it is normal, but I don’t believe there is such a thing as normal. I’m asking if anyone has ever felt this way or met anyone like this.

This isn’t to say that I don’t get aroused. I get aroused in other more simpler ways. A compliment or gesture from someone I find attractive will arouse me. Stimulating conversation. The mere thought of that person liking me, or even provocative play. But that is where it ends for me. Most people have considered me a tease, but it’s not my intention. I feel like I never blossomed past that young adolescent girl giggling in the corner with butterflies in her stomach. Perhaps this may be psychological, but in doing research I could not find anything on this condition. That is what it may be, though it’s arguable. This condition causes me no distress, and no discomfort. I don’t feel I am missing anything. The only stress I get is from partners, and society making it seem as if sex is a necessity in life. I see this as just a sexual or rather non sexual preference. I’d love to hear others thoughts on this matter.

Is this my alter-ego talking? Everything you described is everything I feel about sex. In fact, this issue is what brought me to these forums over a year ago. I still haven't found any answers, only other people who understand. I've quit trying to understand why, or change it. I guess I've just accepted that this how I feel about sex and hope that someday, the right person will change that. I just wanted to post and say that I understand completely, and to thank you for posting so honestly, because you described me exact issue to a t. If you ever find a "cure", let me know. =)

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I do have OCD, and a fear of germs especially toward bodily secretions. Could this have anything to do with it?

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In my opinion YES!

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I do have OCD, and a fear of germs especially toward bodily secretions. Could this have anything to do with it?

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Absolutely. I have issues with OCD and sexuality, although different from yours.

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I would ask if it is normal, but I don’t believe there is such a thing as normal. I’m asking if anyone has ever felt this way or met anyone like this.

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I don't consider lack of a sex drive normal. But yes, there are many people who have a lack of sex drive. It can be for many reasons, including physical, mental, emotional or a combination of those.

A lot of it is your attitude towards sex and what you were taught about sex growing up.

I love sexy men, and I love sex. However, some of the things I was taught causes me to distrust men in a lot of ways. I always doubt as to why they want sex from me--is it the "men only want one thing" belief, or does he really care about me? I love the subject of sex, and sex itself, despite the fact that I have pain with intercourse. Yet, I've not had sex in over six years, and my boyfriend has no interest in me. I want to be desired. I'm not against pornography, but there are certain things about it that put me off. I won't get into all that here.

I have a vibrator, and I don't use it a lot, because of the hassle of having to get it out, put the batteries in (I don't keep them in, to save battery energy), put a condom on (for cleanliness; it's not just OCD...it's recommended), put lube on, have my fun, and then I have to clean up. That means taking the condom off, washing the vibrator carefully and drying it, tossing the condom, removing the batteries and putting them away, putting the vibrator back in the box, and putting everything back where it was. Plus, after I've had my fun with it, I need to clean myself up, wiping off my own natural lubrication as well as the artificial lube. Then, I have to throw away those paper towels.

I would recommend you see a sex therapist, myself.

OOoowww, HOT topic. I have flutters of turned-on-idness, but they have nothing to do with what I want in real life. In real life, I wish I could find somebody to just quietly lie on my back so I could just feel their warmth and wieght and care ina totally non threatening way. Learn how to breath that close to an adult. If that spot ever gets filled, I may be able to move on to other things. But, I sure can't imagine it from here. You don't want to know where I've been before I realized this....... oy vey, painful, painful, painful stuff. Now I'm content to rescue and pet bunnies. That other stuff is for adults, I guess I'm still little.

Great thread, I bet you get a flame.

I think maven is right - seeing someone sounds sensible in this situation. Especially since it sounds like you have the beginnings of yummy flutters and arousal and you don't understand why they cease.

personally i like sex LOTS. i had a really nasty sexual experience overseas about a year ago and for a couple of months i didn't want anything to do with sex but what actually fixed me was going back to someone i loved and trusted and having lots of fun with them. i dunno. it's all very individual.

i hope you can work out what's best for you. and really, sex isn't EVERYTHING

Whispers, I had felt like that for many years.
When I was a virgin,I forced myself to have sex just for the sake of having sex and it wasn't the big whoop everyone made it out to be then and I still haven't found it to be such a wonderful thing, since.
Honestly, I could live without it. Until I find a man who actually knows what he's doing.
Or is that another post?
I totally understand when you wrote about society over- exposing it, making way more out of it then neccessary.

I think DrunkSunflower made a good point with "going back to someone I loved and trusted and having lots of fun with them." I think love and trust plays a huge factor in it.
I haven't been able to come by that. But I think it would make a world of difference in the experience.

Your ocd more then likely has something to do with it, too. I'm sure there are guys out there who are the same way. I guess it would be somewhat comical for you to hook up with that kind of guy but he'd "get it" and that would be a good thing for the both of you.
I hope that you find someone to love and trust enough to help you out with this.

Welcome to psychcentral! IMO you are neither... unless you wish to use the term non-sexual to mean that you are currently celebate (as in not having sexual relations.) That you have desire tells me this. . . also IMO you have spoken well and answered most of your own questions good job! Yes, I think your attitude and fears about germs has much to do with this. Hopeyou like it here, btw!

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I used to have sex but didn't really enjoy it. It was like ok lets get this over with so we can go do something else. I think mine comes from my upbringing that sex is dirty. My boyfriend now is perfect because he's still a virgin and wants to stay that way til marriage. I do worry about after we are married because what if I still think sex is icky and don't want to do it. I also think some of my ickiness is because of the partners I've had in the past. They weren't that great and I don't know if they were awesome and I just didn't enjoy it or what but I don't have any desire for sex.

Jbug

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Whispers said:
This condition causes me no distress, and no discomfort. I don’t feel I am missing anything.

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I think that is the point . . . that's all that matters!

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Whispers said:The only stress I get is from partners, and society making it seem as if sex is a necessity in life. I see this as just a sexual or rather non sexual preference.

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To avoid that type of stress, hopefully you can find a partner with similar values on this subject. Do you think a female roommate may provide your needs?

I agree about differences in life-style choices. There's definitely sexual and non-sexual preferences. Just like, there is monogamy and non-monogamy preferences. Who is right to say which is the better life-style? YOU ARE!

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Until I find a man who actually knows what he's doing.

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You can't expect someone to know what you like. Sometimes you find someone who happens to "do it" the way you like, but that doesn't make him more skilled than another, except in that he may have more experience and discovered what pleases most women (in his experience). Different women like different things. Same with men. You have to show him what you like, tell him (nicely) what you don't like.

This is a strange one isnt it? I have often chased men for self gratification but felt awful afterwards. I get turned on but dont actually feel very much during and i always fake... I want to know what it really feels like but I never have. Again, I think it is a trust issue, if you trust some one with your whole heart, grrrrrrrrrr, I dont know. Its very confusing. I met some one special and he isnt in a great big rush to have sex, we hold each other all night long and that feels awesome.........grrrr pfffffffft, but then i worry that i am not attractive or desirable......... oh man, am i messed up or what? Life is indeed, a bowl of toe nails!!

LOL!!!! Bowl of toenails, I love it! I like what you said about chasing men for self gratification and then having to fake it. I too have always faked it. Until recently I had a huge resentment at all the men I slept with, thinking they had used me, but in fact, I was using them, trying to feel "a part of" something, that wasn't gratifying for me in the least. I thought I felt better being able to do for them what they needed, but all it did was make me hate men, and myself, in the process. I've been "sex free" for about 10 months, and all I miss is the intimacy, the closeness, not the act. I don't think we'll ever understand it.

Sounds easy enough, Maven.
I'll paint arrows, x's and o's on my body. I'll turn myself into a gameplay board. Maybe I'll do little cheerleader dance when he makes a good play and I'll leave a little something for him in the deposit box when he scores a touchdown.

impressive

Hmm, maybe you should pitch that to Milton-Bradley. =)

lol, er, being creative.

jax, i had a friend who tied a big red bow "there" and painted hearts around her "chest" and then drew an arrow to the bow. it was her husband's valentine gift.