Victim of Victim Mentality?

My T discussed "victim mentality" to me as well. It doesnt always mean something bad.

For example, I am the type of person who is more apt to speak up, point out abuse, call someone out on something while others back away and complain but say nothing. I am not always so "popular" because I am not so willing to "go along and be blind". So if a person is guilty or has a game they play, that is "not truthful or is manipulative" they are not going to like me, because I don't play along or choose to ignore.

For example, the neighborhood 'socialite" was neglecting her horses, leaving them out in extreme heat with "no water". People noticed but were "afraid" to say something to her. I noticed it too, and wondered if there was no water because they were standing over the huge tubright in the hot sun instead of seeking shade. Everyone came to me saying the tub was in fact empty, and yes, I went right into action and made the call and I didn't care what she thought of me. Everyone was happy because the horses finally got the care they deserve. Here is the catch though, they all went back to being friends with her and I was the bad guy. That happens to me "alot". But I don't care, I don't want to be friends with someone who would allow their horses to suffer like that anyway.

A victim mentality doesn't mean something bad, it can mean you know what bad things feel like first hand and you will not put up with seeing abuse etc.

I didn't understand that myself, didn't see myself as having "victim mentality" I thought victim mentality was always about being afraid all the time.

However there is that victim mentality when someone is convinced they are stuck in a bad situation and they don't feel they are strong enough to actually "walk away from being trapped with an abuser".

"YES" Vibe, good point because the first step is identifying one's own victim mentality and the abuse, but finally coming to terms and the next phase of healing and "being a thriver again".

Getting away from abuse is the first step and that is hard, then one has to slowly step outside their comfort zone and slowly learn how to "thrive" again.

OE

I wouldn't call that a "victim mentality" although developing empathy can certainly come out of going through difficult experiences. The story sounds like a better example of being assertive.

Yes, Open Eyes, I think you are talking about helping others, defending victims. I think 'victim mentality' is something else, lots of things, but not about helping others. I think it's about how we see ourselves, what we think of ourselves. It's no one's 'fault' to get 'triggered,' it happens, but I think it can -eventually- become a choice as to if we are going to continue to see the present through the lens of the past, or if we will start to see the present with new eyes, that encompasses far more of ourselves and the world around us, than the trauma of our pasts.

While I agree with you in some ways, as someone that struggled trememdously with cPTSD, and is thankfully on the mend (and starting to thrive), I do not believe it is as simple as some assert.

There are many layers of the onion to peel back before one can identify the true REASON for the trigger(s). Before that can happen, though, there are many painful, hideous symptoms to get through (SI, severe depression, severe anxiety, lock yourself in the bathroom panic attacks, and let's not forget that little rascal, feeling like you are losing your mind,for instance. They are no picnic )

It isnt just a simple choice of saying one day, "Gee, I had some set-backs in life...wow. Silly me for not choosing to just put it all behind me, let it all go and move forward now.....wheeeeeeeeee, life is fun now!!!! I love this rollercoaster. The vertigo is fantasic!"

(*in other words, ask yourself this, say you eat shrimp and umfortunately you get not only an upset stomach, but food poisoning so bad you have to go to hospital. You gonna go back to that restaurant, maybe. Will you eat shrimp there again, doubtful
At least not until you get over the immediate viceral response- biological reaction. You might even throw up simply by the smell of the shrimp.

Then, you let time pass. It becomes a little memory. The fact that you almost died. Now, multiply that one experience by 20 other things that happened back to back to back...to back...to back...all boiling down to that one thing: Death. Torture. Emotional Pain. Agony. Fear of Dying.

But by that point you cannot even think anymore...your body just responds for you, your body is on automatic pilot.

Choice, yes. Easy, simple, obvious, no way).

Ahhh, I was surprised myself, Vibe and ultrma, I never thought what I was doing as "victim mentality". My T told me there is more than one kind.

He talked about two kinds the one that turns away, doesn't want to look, and then what I do, "take action".

I had to really think about it, I "have" been a victim of abuse.

Yes, I have "alot" of empathy.

I had my horse in a "show barn" noticed the trainer was severely neglecting his children.
I was the only one (other than other children who talked to me because they were upset too), that took my horse out of that barn, left the trainer and "reported him". I was "the only one". I know others saw it, they "chose to look away and ignore it". And "who" these people were surprised me. I told the parents that if they allow their children to see this continue it is telling them it is "ok". They didn't listen. I don't have good stories in how some of these children turned out. Not good.

I have this happen all the time, it irritates me to no end, I can't believe how many people "choose to ignore" or see it and don't speak up.

I asked my T about this, and that is when he "explained my victim mentality". I never thought of it as that tbh.

OE

So for people who don't have the ability to somehow see themselves in a different light there really isn't much 'light' so to speak...Yes its hard not to take things personally when you're constantly worried about people trying to tear you down because its happened so many times in the past. Also it sucks knowing your coming off as anxious and insecure could very well attract nasty people that would try and cause you further harm...thus making it even harder for that individual to overcome this 'victim mentality'. As for feeling the need to justify...I would describe it more as feeling like no one ever takes you seriously and that the stigma is real which it is so its kind of hard to let it go when you feel like people are downplaying your issues, saying you just need to try harder or sometimes the suggetions get to be too overwhelming, you just want to crawl into a hole and disappear and then you get hit with 'well you gotta start excercising regularly, eat better, shower every day and on and on and on.' I know if I take what is meant as good advice personally its more about my being overwhelmed and unable to comprehend what to do with all that than it is them...but I can see how someone would feel bad if they try and help and it seems like the other person doesn't appreciate it or whatever.

I guess I am glad for people that can somehow overcome that, live fulfilling lives and avoid lifetime problems...but it seems impossible for me and probably some others even with therapy and other help. I guess my goal is more having a tolerable life.

But yeah escaping the past is probably easier if one doesn't have PTSD...and that is a good thing I wouldn't wish PTSD on anyone because its like being trapped somewhere you don't want to be...and then when you try and escape you just end up getting burnt out and can't handle the stress. Even when its positive stress like the sort that is supposed to motivate one. Anyways I do see your point and I am not taking it personally just further discussing it, just want to make sure I don't come off too defensive or at least express its not my intent.

Compassionate hugs for Hellion, and anyone else who has been genuinely made to feel the victim's role in their lives, and also might be struggling with hapless therapists. It's happened to me, too; but I'm looking at it from a slightly different (but friendly) angle.

I think that besides the interpretations of the term, "victim's mentality" that have been discussed, there is unfortunately another, disparaging way in which it is used (which is absolutely damaging, and in no way helpful to anyone who has genuinely suffered, or is still suffering the aftermath of traumatic events.).

Someone I entrusted with an early revelation of my depressed symptoms, and the abuse that was definitely making things worse, actually simply turned to me and dismissed me as "suffering from a victim's mentality" (as if being a victim was something I aspired to---or was imagining was a good thing! Or, that it was something to be left unspoken for all time----). I was aghast---doubly horrified, because this was someone whom I trusted completely and who also (I thought) had my best interests at heart.

The truth is, she didn't want to hear a word about my possibly having depression, or that members of my family were abusive bullies, and complicit participants in my abuse. So apparently, she needed to shut me down as fast as possible, conveniently utilizing some jimcrack pop psychology she'd overheard somewhere.

Let me just say: It worked. I was gob-smacked, thunderstruck, incredulous.

It also added generous helpings of salt to the searing, gaping wounds. I was so upset, I did not discuss what was happening to me emotionally, again, to another soul, for another year.

It still causes me pain when I remember it.

This just shows how easily people can so carelessly use expressions, without fully grasping what all the ramifications of them might be. I believe the saying is, "A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing.". And it is very true. Words can wield great power; especially an expression as emotionally and psychologically charged as, "victim's mentality".

My father, an otherwise deeply intelligent man, was also known for carelessly (and often unpredictably) utilizing very harmful expressions, in order to appear smarter about a situation that he was---OR, to exact immediate silence, which of course, worked---but not because he was right, or had demonstrated a lightning quick grasp of a huge truth----it was because or horror and/ or dismay in the listeners, more than anything else.

Ultimately, I'm pretty sure, from all I've learned over these last 7 years, plus the years I suffered in silence, that I do not care for this expression, very much. I think it is probably too simplistic, for one, and therefore inaccurate. It is also much too easily tossed around---and is like a live grenade in the wrong hands. It is capable of doing so much more damage, than it can do healing.

I, for one, would love to see it dropped in usage altogether, and would like to see much more accurate terms used for the stages of healing a person may be in. That would be a much more positive way to approach all of this.

We are all still learning so much about PTSD and everything associated with it----and of many other aspects of mental health, too. We're really still in early days of even starting those conversations!

So, it's never too late to introduce NEW terminology that expresses the truth of a thing, especially where it concerns our well-being.

I also believe that no single article in any magazine or online can ever encompass EVERY ASPECT of what it means to begin to heal from emotional trauma and pain. They are only beginner outlines for people who may have had no exposure to even thinking about what it means to be a victim, or for someone who has not been afforded the luxury of any time with a therapist.

I would never take any article too much to heart.

You just do what you can! Then the heck with it! Everyone is different!

I mentioned before that everyone and their experiences are different. But I think it's generally true with most folks that sometimes having to work at a little joy will actually make life more enjoyable and bring more peace, despite problems still existing and unsurmountable setbacks. . . .IMHO, just my two cents. . . .

yes, been in a similar situation like that in first marriage, so can relate. It's a different deal, for sure! The best!

awesome comments, thanks!

for sure!

outstanding comments, thanks!

yes, we need a better vernacular here, for sure. More accurate, more specific, etc. Great idea!

absolutely!

I guess what I could have said, in a more efficient way, is that getting wrapped-up in terminology is always dangerous. I know it's hard not to have an immediate response to catch-phrases when we're vulnerable...but so much needless irritation, confusion, and hurt could be avoided if we dropped paying attention to them, altogether.

I read the link in the initial thread starter with great interest. It does resonate with me. I've tried to see what role I've played in the difficulties of life that I've dealt with, and I think that's all I can really change. I know a number of people who talk about their lives in terms of how they got victimized, and it seems that they just go round in circles without really solving anything. I've gotten to where I've started to refuse to talk with people who seem to want to perseverate on that.

People need and deserve validation about things that were wrongly done to them. I have always tried to appreciate that and be willing to discuss that. After a certain point, though, it becomes like a leaf stuck in a whirlpool.