[January]

Hello Friends,

It's time to update what's been going on with me. I'm not very good at this, so please bear with me. As most of you know we've had a terrible problem getting a bipolar med to work for me. The latest we tried was Depakote. I've been to the point where I can't stay awake when I take it and I stagger and have every symptom of hypoglycemia and it only happens when I take the Depakote.

I called my pdoc yesterday, but when I went in to see my counselor, she told me if I could drive that far, she wanted to schedule an emergency med appt with the pdoc. The upshot of if was that we've had to reduce the Depakote to a third of the normal dose. It won't be the blood level I need to maintain the bipolar condition, but we have tried every med that isn't an antipsychotic.

I don't know if I'm going to fall back down into my black hole of despair and mania now. She told me I'm just going to have to adapt, and I admit that I am very wary of what will happen.

Medically, I discovered some lumps under my arms. My surgeon says with my past history and my family history, they must be removed, then biopsied. My body is throwing off antibodies against my thyroid and I have to have tests on it to determine if it must be removed. He can't tell me if it's cancerous, so I won't know for a while if I will need just surgery or surgery and chemo and/or radiation. I just want them to figure it out and start working on it. Hopefully there will be no cancer and my biggest worry will be having to figure out how to take care of myself after the surgery... That is daunting.

Today I went to the store to stand in line to pay bills. I ran into a casual family friend, named Randy, whose sister was once married to my cousin. We were talking about people we knew in common and he mentioned my father. For some reason I told him that everyone thought my father was wonderful but we didn't get along. Randy looked at me and told me that he knew my father was terrible. He continued to tell me that once when we were very small he was visiting my house and for some reason I passed out. My father started smacking and hitting me because I passed out. Randy ran and hid in the car. My relatives told him not to worry, that Dad was just trying to "make a man out of me" so I wouldn't be weak. I was unconscious! Not one adult lifted an hand or voice to help me.

I don't remember any of this. I remember Dad doing it another time when I was older, but I don't remember him doing it when I was that small. There were peope standing all around us who heard Randy. I managed to pay my bills, but the store started to swirl around me and I got so sick I didn't know if I was going to make it to the car. I managed to get to the apartment and got thoroughly sick. It's amazing how an abuser sometimes never really dies.

Jan

{{{{ January }}}}

I am so sorry you are faced with these awful challenges.

You are such a strong woman and I respect that you are able to put one foot in front of the other and still take time helping others.

I am sending you best wishes and positive vibes.

I care.

Petunia

[Lexicon78]

OMG! You have so much to deal with right now. I wish you the best of luck in getting over these obstacles. You are in my thoughts.

[hereiam]

(((((((((Jan)))))))

you can always PM me, you know that.

im sorry your father was such a complete jerk. he'll get whats coming to him one day.

[BlueFaith]

((((Jan))))
I'm sorry for all you're dealing with right now. You can PM me anytime you need.

[eskielover]

(((((((((((((((Jan))))))))))))))))))),

I am so sorry you are going through so much right now. It is really sad when our health is down, then along comes something else like the incident with your friend. It has to be hard having someone telling you things about your childhood that you don't even remember. But it would have been hard to remember when you had passed out. I guess it could be a good point that you know now that you aren't the only one that thought your father was a horrible man. It validates what you have been thinking (maybe 1 plus for that?).

I do hope that everything starts going better for you. It is hard having all those health issues looming over you.

You are in my thoughts....& in my thoughts, I am baking up your favorite scoones.

Take care,
Debbie

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((Jan)))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry you are having to cope with so much right now. You are an amazing person that you are able to do so.

I am sorry that your friend brought back the negative emotions you had about your father. That must have been really hard.

If you ever need an ear please feel free to PM me. Take care.

[SS8282]

((((((((((((((((jan)))))))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry you're hurting like that. I understand what you're going through. It's really hard to control the images, feelings, memories from coming back. Of course also the feeling that your family and relatives didn't help you. Huggles.

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{Jan}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Okay, enough is enough! It's time for you to really concentrate on getting you better! You're scaring me, Lady! YOU come first until that happends, ok?

Know that I'm thinking of you and sending up prayers for you, Sweety!

[bebop]

(((Jan))) hon I know how hard it is for all these medical things going on. You are in my prayers. It is very hard when confronted with things that happened as children and not remember them. Been there done that too hon. Please take care of you right now. Your dad isn't worth the worry. I do know it hurts though. I love you hon.

[January]

(((((((((((((( Pet )))))))))))))))

Thank you. It means a lot to me.

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

(((((((((((((((((( Lexi ))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

(((((((((((((((((((( Miss ))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you. Thank you for everything.

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

(((((((((((((((((((((((( MP )))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you. I really appreciate the support.

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

(((((((((((((((((((( Debbie ))))))))))))))))))

Oh man, scones!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Enjoy!

Thank you!

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

((((((((((( BP ))))))))))))

Thank you so very much, Bear. I really appreciate it.

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

(((((((((((((( SS ))))))))))))))))

Thank you!

Huggles right back,

Jan

[January]

(((((((((((( Tomi )))))))))))))

Thank you. I'm working on it, I really am! I can't prove it, but I am!

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

((((((((((((((((( Be ))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much. Thank you for everything.

Hugs,

Jan

[January]

I answered everyone but I also want to thank each of you who answered. I can sometimes manage to share things that are going on in my life one on one, but to do it in a post is almost impossible. Thank you for answering. Thank you for caring.

Many hugs,

Jan

[SS8282]

Thank *you* for sharing.