Hopeless Thoughts

Sorry if this is a little disjointed...

T lent me a book to read about self-acceptance/self-image. I've been reading it but I feel I don't entirely agree with it. I hope I'm just misinterpreting things. Self-acceptance is one thing, but am I really to just consign to the fact that I'm just a sullen, cynical schizoid, incapable of change, unable to become less negative? Then this thought just sets off other bad thoughts. If I am to always be this way, does that mean I'm incapable of giving love, recieving love? I feel that perhaps then I am supposed to be alone, incapable of making friends or experiencing more, and that will never change because that's just who I am. I am just to be an outsider, never living life, only capable of watching others live their lives. Of course, then this thought floats through; did I do something to be deserving of this inability? Or is just being me sin enough to deserve these feelings? Hopeless feelings abound...

Hello, Umbral_Seraph. Some good questions to ask your therapist.

You can't believe everything you read.

I don't know; I've just been feeling exceptionally lonely.

I'm almost through the book at least and I see T on Monday.

It's not something I've really ever spent alot of time thinking about, but bit by bit it has crept in as I get older. I guess it's just something else about myself to question.

Self-acceptance means, for me, that I take a good look at what are my deeper characteristics ("sullen" seems like a surface thing to me, that could be changed if you wanted to, for example) such as honesty, humor, creativity, imagination, etc. and accept them. They don't have to all be positive (in fact, no one is just made of "good" characteristics). I can be lazy and selfish, sullen, (my T once commented that I was "stubborn" but I prefer "determined" or "persevering" :-) etc. but self-acceptance means that's okay!

Acceptance just means that you recognize what is true at the moment, not that you like or dislike it. It's kind of like when you have an annoying friend who talks too much or something, you put up with her, "accept" her because she's your friend and has other characteristics that endear her to you. My husband loves me and tries to help me with my "disabilities", he'll say, "I don't hear any nouns!" when I get excited, talking, but he's clueless what I'm talking about We both laugh and I stop and go back, go slower and picture in my mind the subject and work slowly to get all the words, etc.

Accepting and liking yourself, you can laugh at the sullen you. My T once startled me with exclaiming "Not with THAT attitude!" when I was going on and on about what I couldn't do or how bad things were. I use it on myself now; still hear her voice in my head :-) Like with my husband and the words, when I get to complaining too much or thinking/saying things are helpless I either stop and go back and deliberately think about a situation differently or I exaggerate just how bad things are until they're laughable. It can be so easy to get carried away with how bad things are and forget that nothing is ever all bad (or all good) and sometimes things are so bad they are funny. Next time some literal bad thing happens, say to a friend or yourself, "It can't get worse than this!" and then watch as it gets worse Taken from the right perspective and "enjoyed" the bad can be made fun and rendered harmless.

Look at things from a little space and their importance will have lessened. Sometimes it feels like making the bed or taking a shower is similar to climbing a mountain but a couple days afterwards we wonder what all the fuss was?

I'm sorry you are feeling lonely; I think everyone does from time to time, more or less? When I get feeling lonely I can call on myself to help me feel better. It is like having a good friend, even if only in one's own head. Think of little things that might make you feel better. I was once in the middle of a large City zoo, all by myself, and realized I was incredibly lonely, almost started crying but sat on a bench and made myself answer, "What would make you feel better, what one thing do you want?" The answer? An ice cream cone! Took me several hours to get one (there were no shops nearby so I finally decided I had to buy ingredients and make my own :-) and by then my mood had shifted and I was feeling good about taking care of myself/my needs.

Part of the problem is I really have a very small social circle and lately I feel like I'm being avoided by everyone.

I am also frequently refered to as blunt, stubborn, insensative and withdrawn (all things I have been called by my family).

I'm writing these as they come to me...
In my position of being the observer, I see everyone elses life move on while mine seems stalled. It seems people no longer flit into my life, only out, and the world feels as though it's moving farther and farther away.

Thinking about my needs is depressing, especially since I don't know what my needs are. I have no idea where to start looking, that lack of direction that has plagued my whole life but had not been a problem before college.