[silverbells]

Augh - I can get all these aspects of my life in order, but I cannot impact the limits I've got in terms of offering my daughter more from life right now. I've already sacrificed everything I can in order to give her a better life than I had. I have NO footing - her father has become his own father (a machiavellian prince and an ogre - like our worst nightmare) because of life-nonsense I have no control over, and it's just so hard to be her mother every day and have nothing to offer her beyond what I can scrape together at this point. And I have ONE conversation with ONE mother today so that I might be able to use her as a job reference, and she just went on and on and on and every single sentence was SO hurtful and inappropriate (she has a crush on my ex-husband, who's left us here completely alone) and she starting asking all sorts of questions in this RAPID FIRE series about him, and I had to like SHAKE my head and pull my assertiveness skills together and politely change the subject over and over and finally I just had to lie about having to go and hang up - and I have completely withdrawn so as not to get caught up in these parents' nonsense (what this woman did is the least offensive thing they do - you just would not believe their behavior and their values). She was the lead in a play and she just BLEW everyone away - she's freakishly talented, and someone told her about Interlochen after seeing her in this play, and she came home and showed me this video of the place, and I cannot move again in order to accommodate getting her there, and sometimes I think to myself: "It's so impossible right now to squeeze life out of my own life - it doesn't even matter. I might as well give up all my furniture and live like a hermit in some efficiency apartment in Michigan so she can have the future I thought she'd have when she was born. This place is squeezing every drop of life from us". I'm sorry - I try so hard to be positive, and being positive makes a HUGE difference, but when I'm too exhausted to forge my way thru life, I'm right back staring at a huge load of helplessness. I'm pushing myself to write this, as I really need some input from people who are kind - whatever input (PLEASE - AS LONG AS IT'S SUPPORTIVE) would be SO much appreciated. My god it gets difficult sometimes. She's such an amazing person (my daughter) but I can't keep this life from closing in on us. I cannot control it all (or compensate for it all) - other people's idiotic value systems (mostly my ex and his family) and the GRENADES they lob into our lives.

[silverbells]

...and I NEED relationships with other adults so that I can FIGURE OUT how to proceed with the kid - how to keep her motivated and healthy emotionally - how to keep her inspired - (I may have said in an earlier post that I found out the students get an avg of 4 hours/sleep at her high school - she'll start next year). It's a "great" school - with all these wonderful reviews - and it was SO DRY last year I thought we'd both lose our minds. I need other people in my life - and the adults I have access to are so ruthless and just bizarre - and she NEEDS a father figure who doesn't act like an idiot - and I hardly can be responsible for providing her with one - I wouldn't touch a romantic relationship with a ten foot pole right now. I think that's the most difficult aspect of single-parenthood - not being able to provide your child with a father/mother figure, when your ex is like COMPLETELY lost his/her grip on reality. I mean - he MUST be flirting with her friends' mothers - because they ALL behave this way with me - I'm doing ALL of the work raising her, and they used to tell me what a fantastic job I was doing (until I got to know them better and realized I'd better stay out of their head games and gossip-fests). Now they're like: "Oh, so how long is he going to be in town?" "Oh, I hear he took her to the Cape. Did they have a good time? What sort of stuff did they do?" "Oh, her dad's coming in for this or that, isn't he?" I mean he completely abandoned us for some other woman, is NOT IN TOWN for the daily GRIND of her teenhood, and - oh, it doesn't really matter to me that they all play these stupid games (yeah - it does matter - it's really really disturbing that these grownups are so dysfunctional - and her teenage friends are as sage as can be - it's really frightening to me on a very basic level). But what matters is that it's SO pervasive - this CHILDLIKE NONSENSE - that I cannot get myself to engage in conversations with adults any more - and from the looks of things she'll NEVER have a father figure with a head on his shoulders. And I cannot do all this by myself. It's killing me.

[cantstopcrying]

I, too, am a single mother in Michigan with an extremely musically talented daughter. I tortured myself every summer wanting to send her to Interlochen or Blue Lakes. Impossible. Not only are those places ridiculously expensive, I've had professionals tell me they are so competitive for the kids, they lose the fun. Sweety, you do what you can. If you are lucky, as I am, your daughter will want YOU, not things. As a parent it breaks our heart when we can't give them things we think they need or we want to give them. I would have loved to have been able to continue her lessons at FIM, but I just couldn't afford it. Yes, I saw it as a failure, but I did the best I could and she knows that. (On a note that has nothing to do with the main part of your post, check out MPulse at University of Michigan. They offer a summer program with an amazing music and theater program. Remember the things in life that important aren't things. I know all too well about life closing in....I was in tears most of the day today. But we go on because we have to. You can do it, you seem to have the skill set needed, you just need the encouragement. So consider this encouragement...You can do it!

[silverbells]

CSC: It's a miracle that you are who you are and that you read this and replied so quickly. And they do love us - I know they do. That's so very cool - I would never deny that. But I really didn't know it would get to be THIS sort of a grind - with no end in sight. And you're right - I KNOW that video is misleading (just like the PR for the schools she HAS been to) but once in a while I'll see - I saw A Wayfarer's Journey (about Mahler) the other night - and all the kids in the orchestras just seemed SO focused and SO serene - and I watched this thing on Anna Wintour tonight - and I'm like: "My god - i used to be such an incredibly adventurous person - and I'm not sure I can keep FOOD in our mouths right now - much less teach her to seize life and make something incredible of it. I so appreciate your response. Perhaps she'll have to generate something on her own - and I will look into - OH - just ONE kind post and I'm all motivated again - thank you so much - I'll look into that summer program - she doesn't even WANT to leave now - SHE doesn't think it would be healthy to go there and leave all her friends and the normalcy of life in this cow-town - but I will look into that summer program - and she does have to grab some of this on her own (I'm embarrassed to admit how much movie/tv watching I've been doing lately, but I watched an episode of The Kennedy thing w/ Greg Kinnear - and my daughter's like: "Mom, they weren't the happiest bunch." HA HA HA. Thank you again SO much for your kind post - and please feel free to gripe to me ANY time you need to.

[Perna]

Check out scholarships and financial aid for her and work with her regular school and local acting outlets: http://camp.interlochen.org/content/...-financial-aid

If one is good, or even just interested, one can work toward what one wants without all the bells and whistles; there are opportunities everywhere to keep moving toward one's goals. Check out this online book; it has helped me: http://wishcraft.com/

[silverbells]

Originally Posted by Perna

Check out scholarships and financial aid for her and work with her regular school and local acting outlets: http://camp.interlochen.org/content/...-financial-aid

If one is good, or even just interested, one can work toward what one wants without all the bells and whistles; there are opportunities everywhere to keep moving toward one's goals. Check out this online book; it has helped me: http://wishcraft.com/

Thank you so much, Perna - and you're right - and I HAVE the book Wishcraft! I gotta re-read it. I have a more detailed reply I'll post later.