rudeness

Hi
Im feeling totally c**. Ive worked so hard to get over my mh problems and feel back to square one. I had religious ocd and mh issues, that once involved a priest and a prayer group, Ive barely gotton over it, plus all sorts of phobias, and then what - I actually go out for once to a restuarant - normal thing that people do and whose sitting there but the priest - I think. Anyway instead of going over there to say hi, I feel upset and start chatting with my friend about how corrupt religion is and just being rude. I cant believe it, I cant believe Ive let myself be so rude esp in front of an elderly priest. I worked so hard on forgiveness, and I feel now as it's been a total farce.
mala

maybe you try too hard on forgiveness

Hi mediator,
I dont think I try enough otherwise I would not have behaved in the way that I did, it shows that my forgiveness was not real but that I was simply convincing myself all was ok. To illustrate when I saw the priest - its like I looked at him - I dont know what was in my mind. Dont worry I wasnt going to do anything and I am going to assess this and get the answer and overcome it as I dont like it. The sad thing is that my aunts know what the problem is, but Im not going to blame or pity myself - just find out what it is. When I get the answer I'll let everyone know - I would not want any person to be like this.

Please don't be so hard on yourself, mala. We all trip up sometimes; the key is to keep going without dwelling on the past. (Ha! That's easy for me to type, but let me tell you, I am a BIG ruminator.)

Hugs to you.

I think it just shows you are human and maybe scared or triggered by seeing the priest when you didn't expect to. Did you know the priest? I was interested in why you would, in a public restaurant, go up and greet anyone you didn't know?

If you believe religion is a sham/has many corrupt people in it, that's not being "rude" to say so or doesn't mean you haven't forgiven specific people (one can't "forgive" in generalities, like the entire Roman Catholic Church, or something). What did your friend you were eating with do/say in response?

I think that I was definitely triggered by seeing the priest and scared for many reasons some I am aware of and others not. I was not expecting to see him there, but then Ive seen him in church popping up here and there unxpectedly. I do know him, well he may not view it that way - there was an old lady at a prayer group I attended and he does healing and we met a few times, however he treats hundreds of people and is about 90 so its likely that Im one of garden variety freaks that he cares not to remember. Anyway its a story that is over and done with and the suffering entailed was awful - all out of my mad brain, so most of its mental health and fear etc. The old lady friend did tell me that I have a vivid imagination and need to socialise and move out and move on. Anyway i would have gone up and spoken to him - just to say hi. I wouldnt have go on about my problems - I think he would have gotton fed up with that. As for the opinions,there is nothing wrong with those opinions but to say it near a priest is something else. Im not religious, not sure if you are but I really felt awful. I sort of feel (thnx to good old mum who was actually a bad old mum,) that good or bad a priest is a priest and sacred. I mean I felt really awful. I would write to him if I didnt think it would annoy him but perhaps he didnt recognise me. As for my friend she thought it was a big joke, I think she was focused on eating and not really taking any notice of what I was saying. Im glad that I went though, because it showed me for what I was really like.
mala

If you had expressed your thoughts to the priest, that might have been rude but just being near/in sight of one when you do, he didn't hear you, wasn't listening to you but to his own lunch partner like your friend was paying attention to her food.

We are not responsible for what we think, cannot control what we think, only for what we do. A child wishing his mother dead because he's angry at her is not a bad child! You currently deal with your stress in nervous, negative chatter, I think it is great that you had that opportunity, were with a "safe" friend so it didn't affect anyone. It takes practice to deal with our anxieties in helpful ways, to "get over" our problems so they don't disturb us as much.

Thnkx Perna, for the reassurance, but he didnt have a lunch partner and he's a specialist priest called a sensitive, they are very rare, so he may have extra sensory hearing. He is very controlled but he may have felt my emotions - I wouldnt mind if they were happy but not horrid. I think I felt ashamed too, because spirtually I was a gay white man - Ive been quite open spirtually since so many things as Ive been like a walking toilet spiritually speaking so I guess anyone takes a leak to put it politely. There was a strong feeling of guilt that was not me but yet I felt it and I responded to it but stating rude opinions or nervous chatter - I didnt think of it like that, but I still dont feel comfortable about it, I still think a priest is a priest.
mala

But you also say you were taught that by your mother when a child so it's not really your point of view. If people treat you badly, they are not people you want in your life, whether they are priests or mothers!

The world doesn't just work for "their" favor; like Matthew 10:14 says:
You have to know your own Truth, you can't borrow other people's (that priests are "special").

I returned rudeness for rudeness today and feel crappy about it.

Regarding the 'super hearing' which only dogs have lol. I bet the priest didn't even hear what you said. I feel you attach too much importance to this man and seem to put yourself down in relation to them - he's only a priest. I hope they're not trying to turn you straight. You're entitled to your opinion even if it was in a public place.

Well tnx for comments, I guess I realise it was a supertrigger. I think you're right, that he didnt hear what I was saying and that he probably cannot remember me, and this is all fairy land in my withered mind and mh issues, Ive just got to do what I can.
mala