[madisgram]

When bad is good - know your rights.
Published on September 1, 2011 by Dr. Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D.

There are some obvious good and bad behaviors. We can probably name those off right away. It is good to help others. It is bad to steal. It is good to say "please" and "thank you". It is bad to say "Gimme gimme gimme".
But what about those other behaviors? The ones where we were told they were bad, but in fact, are very good for us?
I'm talking about setting boundaries and saying no....
http://www.psychologytoday.com/colle...definition-bad

i have often times struggled with setting boundaries with others. (People pleasing, fear of rejection, "bad" girl vs. "good" girl, etc) this article lists some healthy tools to use. it also reinforces to me that it's absolutely okay to say, "NO".
hope there's something here others can use too.

[Perna]

Thanks, madisgram, good article. I don't think "good" and "bad" are at all obvious; most of the time they're perceptual; I'm sure we've all heard friends or relatives wailing, "I was just trying to help!" when we didn't need/want their help. Were they "good" or "bad" for trying to help? Depends on one's point of view.

That's where I think communication comes in; it's not boundary crossing if someone doesn't know your boundaries and they can't know your boundaries until you tell them. So, the first time someone does something that makes you personally angry (you have to realize you're angry :-) you have to sort out if you have been transgressed on in the first place and/or if you are just unhappy about someone else being transgressed on that is not your problem, and then you have to communicate that clearly to the other person(s) involved.

Setting boundaries are a bit like setting goals to me; they have to be "measurable" and precisely limited so people know what will happen if they are crossed again. "Hey, man, don't do that!" is not a good boundary statement :-) "Hey, man, don't push me again or I'll find a cop and charge you with assault" is a good boundary statement. However, one can see how that would sound silly if it were about another two people, "Hey man, don't hit him again or I'll find a cop. . ."

In the case of wanting to help another adult, I think we should always ask their opinion; it's their job to know themselves and when they want/need help and to ask for it. I think we have trouble as adults because our parents or others often did too much for us, instead of taking the time to teach us how to communicate and set boundaries for ourselves. It's easier for a mother to wash a kid's face than make the kid do that themselves so the kid grows up thinking it's okay for someone else to wash their face for them and/or resenting it because they don't like it but it's always been that way because they never learned to care for themselves properly so don't know how/necessarily want to change the situation.

Complaining about people crossing our perceived boundaries doesn't get us anywhere anymore than complaining about how depressed we are gets us less depressed. Yes, we might get momentary comfort that others understand but that doesn't set us on the road to doing something about it.

Thanks again, madisgram, for this article on how to learn to do something about it.

[lynn P.]

Thanks for posting this Madsigram and I try to encourage others to think this way. Especially women are more so people pleasers. Even Oprah was an admitted people pleaser and had to change. I have this acquaintance mom who's daughter is friends with my 9 yr old and she regularly tries to get me to babysit her daughter. It started out being called a play date but play dates don't start at 8:30 in the morning. I've started saying "no" rather than giving in to her whims. Even my daughter was getting tired of it.

[Sunna]

I read an article about how when we grow older we finally cure ourselves from a "disease to please":

Young woman bothered by a draft:

"ahem, sorry... uhm... excuse me for.. oh, ahem, sorry to interrupt, but if it wouldn't bother you too horribly, I mean, uhm.. could it be maybe possible to, if it's not too much trouble, I mean, to close that window, doesn't have to be completely, just a tinsy, little bit...."

Old woman bothered by a draft:

"This draft is awful. Close that damn window, will ya!"

That said I did not entirely agree with all those rights. I have believed once upon a time that I have absolute right to express my emotions. And by that I mean negative emotions, pain, hurt, anger, defensiveness, etc. I believed that if someone said or done something, and it "made me" feel that way in some way, I had a right to point it out to that person, stand my ground, etc. I don't agree with that anymore.

If I have an overblown ego and no self-esteem (usually go together well) and will feel hurt by what people say, or even think ("I can tell you were thinking that, no use denying it!") and add to that freedom to express whatever emotions my screwed up mind can conjure, I am becoming quite a tyrant to those around me.

I now see my emotions as my responsibility. If I am experiencing them, the way I wish to "express them" is to say "I am having problems" and to seek a timeout, get myself out of that low frequency somehow. Not that I succeed much at it yet, I often get swamped, I let myself be carried by them, become reactive, defensive, suspicious, angry, and things go to hell really quickly. But I really do see expressing my emotions as blaming others for my faulty thought processes. And that is ridiculous.