[Sabrina]

I have reason to believe that somebody in my life is enabling me, I don't want to go into details. But I may just be looking for excuses for my own bad behaviour. What are your thoughts and opinions on what it means to be an "enabler"?

Thanks

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Sabrina

I have reason to believe that somebody in my life is enabling me, I don't want to go into details. But I may just be looking for excuses for my own bad behaviour. What are your thoughts and opinions on what it means to be an "enabler"?

Thanks

let me get this straight you dont know what an enabler is but you are saying someone is enabling you.

how do you know they are enabling you if you dont know what the word means?

what do you mean that they are enabling you...

frankly with so many different people of different backgrounds, languages, races, and all that ..

for some enabling can mean the person is helping them
for others enabling means the person is forcing them to do things against their will
for some the word enabling means getting someone treatment
and for some it means keeping the person stuck in the negative...

so how about you tell us whats happening and why you are calling that person an enabler using the word enabling how its used in your location and language.

in the end its not what we think the word is and how we think and feel about it, its what you think about the word and how you feel about whats going on right.

[Sunna]

Merriam-Webster: one that enables another to achieve an end; especially: one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior (as substance abuse) by providing excuses or by making it possible to avoid the consequences of such behavior.

I would include in substance-abuse, food, internet/excessive gaming, gambling, shopping etc.

The enabler may think they are doing you good, by covering up for you, agreeing with you, they are just soooooo nice to you. They may seem to be motivated by caring for you, and usually firmly believe it, but if you look at it from a distance they are playing the rescuer, and needing you to need to be rescued.

I would also stretch the definition a little to cover our negative, destructive patterns of thinking. Enabler would never try to coax a depressed person out of bed to go for a walk. Enabler would not try to ground your suspicions of other people's motives, but agree with every bad thought. Enabler will not try to find another point of view to a situation that may help you center yourself, balance, but just push you deeper in, by what they think is "supporting" you. If you don't believe a therapist will help you, enabler will readily confirm it, and make you feel quite right about not getting one or not going.

[Flooded]

My example is I was unwittingly enabling my husbands painkiller addiction by bringing home the drugs and leaving them where he could access them easier. I made it easy for him to get addicted.

Everything Sunna posted, it did

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Sabrina

I have reason to believe that somebody in my life is enabling me, I don't want to go into details. But I may just be looking for excuses for my own bad behaviour. What are your thoughts and opinions on what it means to be an "enabler"?

Thanks

now speaking about here in NY USA in terms of health issues an enabler does things that go against a persons treatment plans..for their own purposes..

examples

an alcoholic who has just come out of rehab is visiting with a friend. the friend says wow you havent had a drink in weeks bet you really one to tie one on, how about we go get us a 6 pack and hang out and get wasted?

motive the one making the offer and supplying the alcohol doesnt like being around sober people and think thats how to have a good time, good forbid his friend stays sober and starts preaching sobriety to him. better to get him off the wagon before he can start in on me for drinking.

A wife abuser and a wife. the abusers dont want their wives in therapy, around their friends and relatives because then he wont have them all to their self and he diesnt want his wife to become independant and strong enough to fight him..

so even though the family, friends and therapist is trying to get the wife to do things on her own and be h er own person the husband knocks that progress down every chance he gets...

wife drops a glass - husband says - here let me do that, I dont know what you would do without me, you are so clumsy you cant even get yourself a drink of juice..

wife tells him what her therapist says about her needing to get a job so she can support herself husband says you dont need a job I can take care of you , how are you supposed to get a job anyway you cant even keep this house clean and keep the kids clean. dinner is late more times then not and never cooked right anyway. what are you qualified to do anyway flip burgers for the burger king for gods sake what if some guy comes along and gives you grief, you cant even stand up for yourself to your family how are you going to stop all these jerks from making moves on you.. come here you dont have to cry, Im here Ill take care of you, you dont have to go to work. I make enough money for us all.

in other words here an enabler appears to be helpful to the person they are enabling but in the end what they are doing is manipulating the person for their own gain, needs and wants. theres almost always a motive.

[Sabrina]

Originally Posted by Sunna

Merriam-Webster: one that enables another to achieve an end; especially: one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior (as substance abuse) by providing excuses or by making it possible to avoid the consequences of such behavior.

I would include in substance-abuse, food, internet/excessive gaming, gambling, shopping etc.

The enabler may think they are doing you good, by covering up for you, agreeing with you, they are just soooooo nice to you. They may seem to be motivated by caring for you, and usually firmly believe it, but if you look at it from a distance they are playing the rescuer, and needing you to need to be rescued.

I would also stretch the definition a little to cover our negative, destructive patterns of thinking. Enabler would never try to coax a depressed person out of bed to go for a walk. Enabler would not try to ground your suspicions of other people's motives, but agree with every bad thought. Enabler will not try to find another point of view to a situation that may help you center yourself, balance, but just push you deeper in, by what they think is "supporting" you. If you don't believe a therapist will help you, enabler will readily confirm it, and make you feel quite right about not getting one or not going.

I found this informative, interesting and helpful. Thank you! Based on this post, I should probably say that I am not really being enabled so much as indulging in my own bad behaviour without support. Does that make sense?

[yellowted]

I believe an enabler to be one who helps another person to achieve something they wish to achieve. if the person does not wish to achieve the goal which the enabler is steering them towards then the enabler is no longer an enabler but an overbaring busy body! Enablers can help a person to achieve anything be it to improve their lives e.g to tidy their home, learn something new etc, to things which are detrimental to the persons wellbeing e.g. helping to roll cigarettes or wacky backy for the person or passing the stuff to the person so they can roll their own, ok these may be lame examples but they give the idea. enablers can also be people who just give support verbally, e.g encouraging a person to try something new - the encouragement gives the person courage which inturn enables them to feel ok about trying the new thing.
if it is your choice and you get no help, support or encouragement to carry out your choice you are not being enabled to do it, no enabler is involved, you are able to do it independently.
hope this is not too confusing

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by Sabrina

I have reason to believe that somebody in my life is enabling me, I don't want to go into details. But I may just be looking for excuses for my own bad behaviour. What are your thoughts and opinions on what it means to be an "enabler"?

Thanks

You've gotten some good answers but I'd like to add this. Some of the enablers I have known encourage and facilitate unhealthy or destructive behavior because it meets a need inside the enabler, and underlying it is an issue of control.

Enabling And The One You Love

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...e-one-you-love

[Sabrina]

Thanks for the link Byz. I found the article articulate and easy to read. I am slowly coming to the conclusion that my irresponsible / maladaptive behaviour is being enabled entirely by myself and not by my loved one. I think what my loved one is failing to do is support me. But from all the replies I've had here, I don't think I'm being enabled. Maybe just a tiny bit from time to time.

[unaluna]

I would look at it the other way - is this person in your corner? Are they actively trying to help you get what is GOOD for you, or what you have said you wanted, supporting you in achieving some goal? THIS is something I never got from my family, never had the feeling of someone being on MY side, until THIS T. It's like the, is the glass half empty or half full question.

[Sabrina]

Originally Posted by hankster

I would look at it the other way - is this person in your corner? Are they actively trying to help you get what is GOOD for you, or what you have said you wanted, supporting you in achieving some goal? THIS is something I never got from my family, never had the feeling of someone being on MY side, until THIS T. It's like the, is the glass half empty or half full question.

I believe this person is in my corner but I am not getting active help, basically a lack of support. Possibly even understanding.