[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

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There were a few things yesterday that I learned about myself. Not sure why I'm posting here instead of putting it in a journal but here they are... As hard as they are to think about sometimes they are helping me to grow.

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1. I make jokes about "crack heads" more than the average person. At some point in the last few years I have learned to take the anger toward my dad and all people like him (on meth) and turn it into laughter. Some people don't understand and think I am strange for always making those jokes but I think it was a big step in me getting better. I'm still not sure if it's technically the right thing to do. I'm not mean about it. I just call people I'm friends with or family crack heads when they're acting hyper (adults) and make crack refrences. Don't see any harm right?

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2. Emotions and your mind can cause your physical health to deplete. It looks to me like it can even kill you (SI aside). I've been under so much stress it's caused me to faint and stop breathing for almost 3 minutes. I've been so stressed now apparently I've had 3 seizures due to stress. (all within a week). Thinking back on the childhood it seems like all of my physical problems came in phases. Chronic kidney infections for a year then none for 2 years then kidney infections again for 3 years... These phases seem to also be stressful times. I've had heart issues as well during one of the most stressful times of my adult life (the months leading up to leaving an abusive ex). Blood pressure problems and disc problems in my back. I'm only 24. All of these things seem to spike when I'm under a great deal of stress. Bad things happen and I get stressed. But I've just got to stop it because it seems like stress wants to kill me.
It really seems that way to me. The whole point of number 2 is that stress seems to be trying to take over and get rid of me. I'm not gonna let it. I'm gonna find a way to turn it into something positive like I did turning my pain and anger toward my dad into something positive.

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3. I've never been about certain things physical with my boyfriend. I haven't my whole life. It makes me uncomfortable and gross and I start getting anxious. I got a little piece of why that is last night. During this thing I had a flashback from a not so pleasant event when I was younger. It only lasted a second but I had blocked it out when I was 14 with my DID. Lost the memory. I got it back, well a small piece of it last night... Not pleasant... Gonna need to work with that... Scary part is it was just the beginning of the memory loss. I had completely forgotten about the moments leading up to my blackout just over time (It'll be 10 years in June) but I remember now the abuser going to do it, I said no and blackness. Well last night I got a flash of him actually doing what I said no to. I know there's a lot more. This would be best discussed in the DID forum. But recovering memories, fightning as they can be, is something that I need to do. First flashback of that night down, many many to go but it's a small step to getting better

I guess last night, while sitting less than a foot away from a drum set while people were having a band practice, these are the things I figured out. These are the things that I have to remember to make my life better. And these are the things that may be really hard but will in the long run help me get and keep control of my life!

Thanks for listening if you read it, if not at least I wrote it down, hopefully that will help me remember.

[unaluna]

((((PFM))))

Hello, PurpleFlyingMonkeys. I wish you well.

[gma45]

Thinking about you! At least you were hanging around loud live music that helps I believe! Small steps...I have faith you will be ok! sending positive thoughts your way!