[inkblot]

I don't know what to say about work. I am trying to rebuild. I talked to my supervisor yesterday. I confessed that I have a lot of stress about this job, and that all the frustrations, the people telling me different things/procedures and coming back and being told something else, certain comments...It only makes things worse. I also said the reason having stress with this job is because of my living situation.

Part of what started this with me is that a few weeks ago I was trying to register for benefits (can only be done online) but I encountered a problem where I was being offered the wrong options. They finally figured out, I guess, that it was my PO Box for an address that made the system think I was "out of area". They wanted me to change my PO Box to *my physical home address*. That scared the hell out of me! I didn't tell the benefits person why I didn't want to change my address; just said that I was moving and it's always been easier to use a PO Box for everything. They managed to fix the problem so I could use my PO Box, but requested that I still change/add my physical address. She said that sometimes they will FedEx things to people at home. I was so scared about having to possibly tell my supervisor and/or the company about being homeless. I was somewhat relieved when I learned that I didn't necessarily have to do it. I just realized a day or two ago that situation with the benefits problem and wanting a physical address is probably near where things really started getting to me with stress from work. I'd thought about ways to tell my boss where I live, but I just didn't know the right way without doing damage.

I finally decided to do it and didn't want to waste work time trying to explain things (and confusing him), so I started with a voice mail and that I'd talk to him if I could find a better way to explain. Well, the first TWO VM's (got cut off on one) I think did the job well for confusing him, so I called and left a third a while later when I thought of something a little better. I explained how, because of my living situation, my future depends on having a good job and a decent paycheck, and the different frustrations and things about trying to learn and train mean more stress for me. I said in the messages and to him in person how cautious I was of telling him or the company because I learned from past experience that only bad stuff happens. I figured it wouldn't hurt and also mentioned in one of the messages that I am on Adderall, and the added stress probably doesn't help that problem either. (Okay, I *know* it doesn't.) Since work is a pharmacy and he is pharmacist, I am pretty well assured he knows what that is used for. And probably that it can affect learning a new job (as well as the *stress* of!)--especially with people telling me different things!

I feel a little better that he knows everything. Some of the pressure is off me now, at least. I still don't feel right, like I've been failing a class and have to repeat a grade. That's hardly the case, but I guess its hard to really understand where I am with this job because of the stress I've been under. My boss and I are working on it. He doesn't do training, but I am back with someone training me who is not a (stressed, *overworked*) senior tech like this last person, who and too much other stuff to do than actually work with me. This other person and I are using empty desks off to the side in a MUCH quieter part of the room, too--it's much less distracting! The desk area is alot smaller which I don't like, but at least its quieter. I don't know if I did the right thing or not in telling him everything, but I guess I've got some "protection" under the laws now. Not that the laws helped any before, but maybe to get me approved for unemployment after my last job.

Wish I didn't feel so odd and out of place at work.

My mood tonight could be better. I keep thinking back to not eating, and how much I'd rather not do it and be skin-n-bones. Makes me sad and almost want to cry.

[(JD)]

Hi there inky.. good to hear things are feeling better for you... please remember to document everything you can. Maybe carry a notebook in your pocket, and when someone tells you something, make a note (date, time, what, who) and that way you'll know it's not you, but them? Also, that you told this person "all of it" so that won't be able to come back and get you, either.

Sending good wishes your way (((hugs)))

[EJ711]

Hi Inky,

It is really tough when you get contradictory information on how things should be done on a job. I've been there--it is really stressful.

I'm pretty frustrated with my job currently too. I hope things work out for both of us. I will be praying for you.

Hugs,

EJ