[sandworm]

Hi all,
I feel so sad ; I have no where else to go. "T"s are useless. telling me
"oh, how to you feel about that" , "and that" , " and that".
My peer support tries to equip me with nothing but scraps when I am
terrified,...petrified..going into interviews. I have people telling me, "you're
just going through a tough time." when I am not, I have not had a vacation
that has not turned into a flaming disaster in 9 years. Every time I
look for love, or relaxation, it scorns me with emotional and physical injury.
for my trouble.
I have had to struggle like a bare foot hiker up a rocky mountain for
every little insight that everyone else around me takes for granted.
I am just so tired of all the fighting and battle to life and survive and
I just want to rest, to enjoy one weekend or three day without being
used, abused, neglected or abandoned.
Why do I get the sour plums of life? Why is it I have to kill lions just
to know one should leave the house the first time with all you need for
the day.? Why should I have to fight perfect storms just to learn
that patience is not the answer when dealing with irrational parents?
Why DOES EVERY B*** tell me when I am having a tough (er) time to
go get help from the very parent who made this whole mess for me by
screwing my head up.

I just feel so worthless all the time. I feel like no matter how hard I try I
just can get one compliment from outside to feel a little bit good for a second. I can't hear 'good job' from someone I respect for something
I FEEL GOOD ABOUT.
I get the crumbs of 'good boy, good boy" as if I am some three year old
learning to walk for the first time; from people used to praising the slow and
awkward.
Darn gum it, I am smart, why do I have to have such damaged childhood I
have to work through to get to what my head and heart should already know
39 years ago. I try so, so, so, so , so hard and I am so tired of having to
carry this burden to be my own parent, mentor and teacher, always.

How can I find something, anything to change who I am inside so I know
what I need to win. How can I change so I stop feeling so hungry to
hear just one word of praise when I finally make it to some plateau of achievement?
When is living, trying and putting up with one more day of aching misery
going to be worth getting out of bed and throwing off the sheets?
What do I have to do to get a witness that yes, it is going to go
my way at least once in a season for all these blooming days of
pain I have to slug through?
I wish I had a parent more than just a Harry Harlow, wire monkey mom
who had the warmth of a North pole rock and the vicious outbursts of
a Joan Crawford.

shooot, you guys have any idea, what am I doing wrong other than
my former committing loyalty to a parent who is a crock?

Sandee (hoping to shine some light on myself)

Im sorry your feeling this way sweetie - i know what its like running around in circles with friends and therapists and just about everyone else. Please keep posting on here though, we're all here if u wanna talk. Seding hugs (if ok)

[sandworm]

Originally Posted by bb2023

Im sorry your feeling this way sweetie - i know what its like running around in circles with friends and therapists and just about everyone else. Please keep posting on here though, we're all here if u wanna talk. Seding hugs (if ok)

Hugs are fine, thanks bb.

)S(

[Callmebj]

Hi sandworm, hey you are a great guy/gal. I've seen a lot of your encouraging posts to others. Yes, you are intelligent, as I have seen wisdom in much of your advice to others.
You have survived, and that says a lot about your moxie my friend!!
hugs, bj

[sandworm]

Thanks Ms BJ

[gma45]

sandworm, sorry you are feeling so lousy, it sucks I know. I read a post on here a while back about self validation I think madisgram posted it, you might see if you can find it.I know it really helped me to understand that I really didn't need someone to tell me I was ok and that things would work out if I believed it myself. I hope you will have a better day tomorrow.